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my dad...

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spiritxfade

Well-Known Member
#1
Thinking about myself more recently...and I've noticed that, even though I've thought I was afraid of failure since, well, forever, it really spiked starting around fifth grade.

I was taking an online math course, pre-algebra, in conjunction with the math class i was taking in school. Because school was boring and I needed at least one area where I could say I was learning something. As a consequence, I was even more bored when I was in school.

My teacher gave us like sixty problems a night on the same concept, and sometimes she'd assign the same lesson multiple nights in a row to make sure we got it. I got so bored in her class that I stopped caring completely. And so my grades started slipping.

Every time I got a grade below a 95, my dad would yell at me. Meaning he'd yell at me at least once a week thanks to worksheets, homework assignments, tests, and quizzes. They weren't that bad. I had an 80-something average, and I did well enough to scrape it up to a 90 or so by the end of each quarter.

But he'd yell at me anyway. Saying that I should be getting 100s on all this material, how I'd already learned it, etc. And whenever I didn't understand a concept on my online math course, or struggled a little (especially before the pre-algebra course. they didn't really teach the concepts very well before then. or maybe it was just the program i used to do 6th grade math. it was a different program than pre-algebra and algebra). He'd yell at me.

I think he was just frustrated. My mom and my brother always promised me that he was, too. Even he did. But I felt then, and I still do, a little, that he was yelling at me because I was a failure.

Fifth grade was a rough period in my life. I was so used to being a failure in everyone else's eyes that I just assumed my dad thought I was a failure, too.

And now I'm afraid of failure and I'm a perfectionist. I want to let it go but I can't. I could take the easy way out and blame my dad, but I can't. That would be wrong. I brought this on myself. He just sped it along. It's not his fault.

But why do I sometimes feel like it is?
 

Sadeyes

Staff Alumni
#2
I do not agree with you. A parent placing that type of pressure and lack of acceptance on a child can influence the behaviors you report...he was quite neglectful of your feelings of self worth and unconditional regard...J
 

Julia-C

Well-Known Member
#3
Thinking about myself more recently...and I've noticed that, even though I've thought I was afraid of failure since, well, forever, it really spiked starting around fifth grade.

I was taking an online math course, pre-algebra, in conjunction with the math class i was taking in school. Because school was boring and I needed at least one area where I could say I was learning something. As a consequence, I was even more bored when I was in school.

My teacher gave us like sixty problems a night on the same concept, and sometimes she'd assign the same lesson multiple nights in a row to make sure we got it. I got so bored in her class that I stopped caring completely. And so my grades started slipping.

Every time I got a grade below a 95, my dad would yell at me. Meaning he'd yell at me at least once a week thanks to worksheets, homework assignments, tests, and quizzes. They weren't that bad. I had an 80-something average, and I did well enough to scrape it up to a 90 or so by the end of each quarter.

But he'd yell at me anyway. Saying that I should be getting 100s on all this material, how I'd already learned it, etc. And whenever I didn't understand a concept on my online math course, or struggled a little (especially before the pre-algebra course. they didn't really teach the concepts very well before then. or maybe it was just the program i used to do 6th grade math. it was a different program than pre-algebra and algebra). He'd yell at me.

I think he was just frustrated. My mom and my brother always promised me that he was, too. Even he did. But I felt then, and I still do, a little, that he was yelling at me because I was a failure.

Fifth grade was a rough period in my life. I was so used to being a failure in everyone else's eyes that I just assumed my dad thought I was a failure, too.

And now I'm afraid of failure and I'm a perfectionist. I want to let it go but I can't. I could take the easy way out and blame my dad, but I can't. That would be wrong. I brought this on myself. He just sped it along. It's not his fault.

But why do I sometimes feel like it is?
I'm sorry you didn't get the emotional support you needed back then.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with becoming a perfectionist, as long as you also except the fact that true perfection doesn't exist. As soon as you except that simple fact, fear of failure subsides because you realize everyone fails. The only thing we are in control of is our intent. Instead of fearing failure, embrace failure, and use it as a tool in a journey striving to get a step closer to an impossible state of perfection.
 

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
#4
No one is perfect hun you will strive forever to be that and never reach it.
All you can do is try to do your best and if it is not good enough for your father well im sorry then that is his problem okay. He needs to back off and go get a life of his own and leave you alone so you can breath. I hope you can talk to the councillors at your school maybe they can talk to your dad about backing down some take care of YOu okay
 

doityourself

Well-Known Member
#5
This is your life noone elses, in the long run only you can make your own success.

I wish my son would atleast make Cs, Im sorry they are so hard on you, parents (most) wants whats best for you and sometimes doesnt know how to help you get it, and yes we can add on more stress, but its a learning process for us to, maybe thats what he knows, maybe thats how he was parented. Not making excuses, just wanted to say that he probably just doesnt understand what it makes you feel like when he yells.

Hugs.
 

spiritxfade

Well-Known Member
#6
Thanks for the support guys.

I know I'll never reach perfection, but I don't know how to stop striving as hard as I can to reach it.

He's better about the whole being perfect thing now- hasn't yelled at me over my grades for years. But I can see him sometimes getting upset with my little brother....not to the extent he did with me (he knows he scared me when he yelled), but he still lectures.

I mean...I know I'm a bit of a perfectionist on my own- I couldn't stop caring if I tried. But it's the fear of failure that I don't like more than anything else. :/
 
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