My dad.....

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Bluebutterfly, Oct 5, 2011.

  1. Bluebutterfly

    Bluebutterfly Member

    To everyone who is open to listening....

    My dad, passed away on the 23rd July this year. He took his own life, and we have no idea why..... I loved him dearly, he was my world.

    He leaves behind my mum, my sister, me and my 2 beautiful children. I just dont understand how someone gets themselves into such a hole that no-one can help them. If only he had asked for some help, he would still be here today.

    I miss him dearly, and he had everything, everything, anyone could ask for. He had money, he had his hobbies, he had family. Hell, he even had his dream car, but none of it seemed enough for him.

    So very very sad......

    Dad RIP, and we will meet again (where i will give you a right old talking to!!)

    Bluebutterfly...xxx
     
  2. BeautifullyChaotic

    BeautifullyChaotic Well-Known Member

    I'm terribly sorry for your loss. I know it's made even harder by the fact that there is no explanation, but I hope you find some peace here.
     
  3. takencontrol

    takencontrol Well-Known Member

    R.I.P. bluebutterflies dad :hug:
     
  4. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    Hi honey,

    I'm really sorry to hear about your dad. :hug: May he rest in peace.

    And it doesn't always matter what we have and what we don't have. Sometimes we are just horribly depressed and don't see a way out.

    But you're right, maybe if they had asked for help then they would still be here with us. :( It stinks. And You know I'm always here if you need someone to vent to right?

    :hug: :heart:
     
  5. Bluebutterfly

    Bluebutterfly Member

    Thank you sam, as soon as i wrote about him having everything i knew deepdown that it probably had nothing to do with that. Like i say, i dont understand any of it, depression, the lonelyness, so i think its going to be a long road of learning for me......

    I hope everyone can have patience with me as i'm struggling.
     
  6. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    First, and most importantly, I am deeply saddened to hear of your loss.


    Suicide is ultimately a selfish act, but in my mind it is not done for selfish reasons. Suicide and depression, in my view, happen when pain outweighs the apparent coping resources.

    Your dad may have had all those things you list, but sometimes material prosperity cannot overcome mental illness.

    Depression is an illness - like cancer or diabetes or meningitis - it doesn't choose its' victims - it does not discriminate.

    Everyone's reasons for attempting will be personal to them - do not expect to fully understand why your father did what he did -I attempted nearly 5 years ago - and there are bits I still don't get. Depression causes irrational responses. As such - attempting suicide is an irrational act and therefore should not be shoehorned to fit an exact reason.

    I hope at least some of that made sense - anything else - just ask....

    Much love,
    Chris
     
  7. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    We are here for you no matter what. And many of us that have lost people to suicide are still learning. I don't think we will ever stop so we have to be here for each other. :heart:

    Hang in there!
     
  8. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am deeply sorry for your loss but I feel comforted that you do not understand the state one would be in...know, there is nothing you could have done differently, nothing lacking in you which caused his situation...and also know, that people can be that deeply hopeless and still know they are loved...please continue to post and let us know how you are...you are our focus right now, and hopefully, someone we can support and care about...again, I am so sorry you and your family have to experience this...big hugs (and wishing they could be delivered in RL)...J
     
  9. Lana

    Lana Well-Known Member

    I am very sorry for your loss.
     
  10. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm very sorry for the loss of your precious Dad...
    many of us here know the sort of pain your Dad was experiencing with his illness
    I have lost a loved one to suicide and understand both sides of the argument
    take great care of yourself..this grief is exhausting and soul destroying
    *hugs*
     
  11. Mandy1

    Mandy1 Antiquities Friend & Senior Member

    I am so sorry for your loss,right now It must be so hard for you,keep talking it might help.
     
  12. Moon_Penguin

    Moon_Penguin Penguin astronaut extraordinaire

    i lost my dad too not in feb. I know how much it hurts. and it will get worse before it gets better. but it will get better, i promise you. i didnt think it would but it has. Make him proud x and sorry doesnt even cover it. I hate those words since my dad left me. just empty. keep us uptodate huni xxx :hug:
     
  13. jackrussell

    jackrussell Member

    Reading your post is surreal , my Dad committed suicide Tuesday 4th October 2011. While we knew he had trouble sleeping, with stress/anxiety becoming symptoms from the lack of sleep, nothing to suggest servere depression. He was financially secure . . . . he didnt need to do it . . why didnt he reach out for professional help? No note , no reason

    I have first child on way in a months time, my older brother has a 6 month old son, he had so much to live for?

    I am now forever going to wonder . . . . . . WHY ?!?!?!

    I need councelling . . . !!!!
     
  14. Bluebutterfly

    Bluebutterfly Member

    Firstly a quick thank you to all the new post and to those who had read this.

    Jackrussell..... Its so so fresh for you still. All your emotions, everything is hightened at the moment. The first few weeks after my dad did what he did, everything was numb. i was walking with my head in a cloud and although i knew people were talking to me, i didnt really know what they were saying.

    I still question why...... But i believe my dad came to me one night when i was asleep, and i asked him that question 'why dad' and he said 'you know why....' Deep down, i think he felt like he had failed us all and felt incredibly guilty over an affair he had. He just couldnt cope anymore....

    Maybe your dad had some underlying secret or maybe he was just so so depressed.

    I have good days, i have bad days. Today i feel so angry. but i know tomorrow might be better..... Talk on here. its helping me. and you can also message me if you want to, anytime.x
     
  15. Tea_at_Four

    Tea_at_Four Staff Alumni

    To Bluebutterfly and Jackrussell...


    WHAT I NEED (when I am in grief)

    TIME
    Time alone; and time with others whom I can trust and who will listen when I need to talk. Months and years of time to feel and understand the feelings which go along with loss.
    REST
    I may need extra amounts of things I needed before. Relaxation, exercise, nourishment, diversion, hot baths, afternoon naps, a trip, a cause to work for to help others, any of these may give me a lift. Grief is an emotionally exhausting process. I need to replenish myself—to follow what feels healing and what connects me to the people and things I love.
    SECURITY
    I need to reduce, or find help for financial or other stresses in my life. I need to allow myself to be close to the ones I can trust. It helps when I allow myself to get back into a routine, and to do things at my own pace.
    HOPE
    I find hope and comfort from those who have experienced a similar loss, knowing some things that helped them, and realizing that time does help, gives me hope that sometime in the future my grief will be less raw and less painful.
    CARING
    I try to allow myself to accept the expressions of caring from others, even though they may be uneasy and awkward. Helping a friend or relative also suffering from the same loss often brings me a feeling of closeness with that person.
    GOALS
    It often feels that much of life is without meaning. At times like these, small goals are helpful. Something to look forward to, like playing tennis with a friend next week, a movie tomorrow night, a trip next month, helps me get through the time in the immediate future. Living one day at a time is a good rule of thumb. At first, my enjoyment of these things just isn’t the same. I know this is normal. As time passes, I will need to work on some long-range goals to give some structure and direction to my life. It is OK to get some guidance or counseling to help with this.
    SMALL PLEASURE
    I no longer underestimate the healing effect of small pleasures. Sunsets, a walk in the woods, a favorite food—all are small steps toward regaining my pleasure in life itself.
    BACK-SLIDING
    Sometimes after a period of feeling good, I find myself back in the old feelings of extreme sadness, despair or anger. Intellectually, I know this is often the nature of grief, up and down, and it may happen over and over for a time. I’m told this is because as humans we cannot take in all of the pain and the meaning of death all at once. So, I give myself permission to let it in a little at a time.
    DRUGS?
    Drugs are not always helpful. Sometimes, even medication intended to help me get through periods of shock may prolong and delay the necessary process of grieving. I cannot prevent or cure grief. The only way OUT is THROUGH.


    From Judy Tatelbaum’s book, THE COURAGE TO GRIEVE
     
  16. jackrussell

    jackrussell Member

    The pain is so raw, at times I feel I have ran out of tears. We saw our Dad at the chapel today, I went as my brother and Mum wanted to go, thankfully he looked like my Dad, he was peacefully . . . . . . I had never seen a dead body until today . . . . . . .

    My mum needed to do it . . . . but this was hard, at least we were all there hugging supporting Mum and each other . . . .

    All of us just dont understand, we knew he had trouble sleeping, he has alwasy worked shift work so this wasnt a major problem or so I thought . . .he had no financial problems, no personal issue's ( no affairs I'm aware of, and hope no secrets come to light)

    He was 63 approaching retirement , a new life beckoned, 6 month old grandchild and mine on the way . . . . He was an ex-fireman, someone everyone could rely on, a pillar of society in that he helped everyone. A DIY genius that all neighbours would ask for advice, an older brother to 4 siblings. A loving family surrounding him with a wife of 42 years.

    He s decision makes no sense other than the demons got to him, mental illness, a disease?!?!?!?! I dont understand how quick he deterioated in mind to see no way out or even to consider himself a burden?

    We offically lay him to rest on Thursday where i hope to be able to talk about my Dad as he was my hero, and I want to share the love and respect for the man . . .

    After that is gonna be weeks of councelling !!!! Life is brutal . . .
     
  17. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Bluebutterfly, and JackRussell, I'm so sorry for your losses.

    I can only speak for myself, but one of the first things depression took from me was the ability to see I had it. When things were wrong, I acted as if nothing was, especially if in situations where I was depended on. And once I started acting, I had to stay in character, not let anyone close enough to see that the outside didn't match the inside. From that point, it became hard to accept that I had weaknesses and vulnerability, and that made it impossible to ask for help.

    I wish peace for you both, and the strength, courage and endurance to struggle with the grief.
    I said the last part for me, too.

    This is a good place, I've learned and shared more than during 2 psych ward episodes.