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My daily struggle

Holding my breath

Well-Known Member
#1
I always feel like there are two sides, two halves of me, each one having a different voice. There’s one who is the mum, the teacher, the wife who does all the things that mums, teachers and wives do. This half is logical and hard working. Then there is the other half. This half is screaming most of the time. Plotting ways to escape and believes I am worthless and unimportant. This side of me can take over making rational thought impossible causing me to do stupid things and plan how to end my life. It imagines running away and never coming back. The other side is quieter but will eventually come through and that little voice which says what about the kids? What would happen to them if you ran away? What would happen to them if you left? The thing is at this very moment I really really really want to die, want to run, want to escape and if I let go, stopped fighting, this voice is so strong and in so much pain it would be so easy. I could let this feeling take over completely. But somehow I still hang on and that logical thinking part of me eventually stops me every time. But it doesn’t stop the hurting and it doesn’t stop the daily, hourly battle.

I’m emotionless because I have to suppress the screaming and the pain all the time. I have to surround this feeling in armoured steal to stop it from escaping. But it stops all other emotion as well. I didn’t feel cross, I don’t feel love or happiness or sadness. It stops all emotions because I have to suppress everything, keep it in, keep it tight. If I let go then it would be an explosion that I wouldn’t be able to control.

I hate living like this. And that’s the voice which is dangerous. That’s the voice which is ready to give up. Ready to give in and allow things just to happen. Last night when I couldn’t sleep it would have been so easy to take that final leap. Am I strong enough to keep fighting this? Will this destructive voice get stronger and louder? Will the logical voice get so tired that eventually it can’t be heard? I want to cry, scream, lash out but instead I will curl into a ball, listen to a sleep app and try to escape in sleep before doing it all again tomorrow.
 
#2
Sorry that you're going through this, it sounds awful.

Do you think there's a way you could let out negative emotions in a way that's not self-destructive?

I hope things can get better soon
 

Holding my breath

Well-Known Member
#3
Sorry that you're going through this, it sounds awful.

Do you think there's a way you could let out negative emotions in a way that's not self-destructive?

I hope things can get better soon
Self destructive is what I do and have done for so long, I don’t know any other way. I don’t know if I’m lashing out at the pain or simply hate that side of me that I need to somehow hurt it. But thank you for replying. It does mean a lot that someone took the time to read it.
 

LOSTINSIGHT

Well-Known Member
#4
Hi @Holding my breath have you ever looked into carl youngs work on the "shadow" ,i recommend it .it seems theres a part of you that is wanting to be heard .Usually to do with suppressed childhood emotions and feelings .needing to be heard isnt the same as acting on it .
Just be very careful how far you dig and be cautious .i dug very deep myself ,i warranted it because of my severe self destructive nature most of my life .
Peace .
 

Wispiwill

Well-Known Member
#5
I was saying something similar to someone else - that there's a logical me and an emotional me and that it's the emotional me that doesn't think we should live. I think there's more than that, though. There's also the masks I wear when I deal with people such as when I'm working or being wife and mother. They have their own voices, in their own way - and when I wear them I don't hear the emotional me so loudly. But I can't wear them all the time and sometimes I can hear it even when I am. Sometimes it's so loud it drowns everything else out and I'm buried under it all.

Does that sound like you?
 

Holding my breath

Well-Known Member
#6
I was saying something similar to someone else - that there's a logical me and an emotional me and that it's the emotional me that doesn't think we should live. I think there's more than that, though. There's also the masks I wear when I deal with people such as when I'm working or being wife and mother. They have their own voices, in their own way - and when I wear them I don't hear the emotional me so loudly. But I can't wear them all the time and sometimes I can hear it even when I am. Sometimes it's so loud it drowns everything else out and I'm buried under it all.

Does that sound like you?
Definitely. There are times when your role as mum or your work takes over and you get a brief respite from the emotional pain. But the moment you stop and it goes quiet it becomes all consuming and often worse having been suppressed for a little while. That’s why night time is so difficult. I use an app called stop suicide which calls it your emotional brain and your thinking brain and how the emotional brain can take over at times but we need to engage our thinking brain when it gets too much.

I tried to get an appointment with my gp today as things are really bad at the moment but no luck. I’ll have to try again tomorrow. Not that he can actually do anything but it feels like my only hope. At the moment I’m sitting at the dinner table with my family and they have no idea how much pain I’m in or how much I want to jump to escape. I hope you are having a better day today. Perhaps one day things will get easier. *hug
 

Wispiwill

Well-Known Member
#8
I put my problems down to childhood trauma. Do you think that's true for you too?

I'm not sure I'd dare to have an app - in case it was seen by my family. Besides, when I'm really bad - I don't want to stop.

I hope your gp can help and that you get an appointment soon. Please, keep us updated.

Good luck
 

Holding my breath

Well-Known Member
#9
Really...an app called stop suicide? Does it help.
Actually it’s called ‘Better Stop Suicide’ which is free and there is also one called ‘Better app’ which has a one months free trial. I find I use the stop suicide one the most. His voice is very calming and he just simply tells you to stop and do nothing. Just to give yourself time to breath and come back down. There are a few little tasks you can do as well and a sleep audio. It was recommended to me by ‘shout’ which is a text service for when you are in crisis. Hope it helps. *hug
 
#10
But thank you for replying. It does mean a lot that someone took the time to read it
You're welcome!

Self destructive is what I do and have done for so long, I don’t know any other way
In principle, it might be possible to learn a different way to respond, though it might be difficult because you've SH'd for so long.

This thread has some info about SH alternatives
https://www.suicideforum.com/community/threads/techniques-to-avoid-self-harm-in-a-crisis.1213/

I bet if you could go someplace where you could scream and shout, that might help
 
#11
I put my problems down to childhood trauma. Do you think that's true for you too?

I'm not sure I'd dare to have an app - in case it was seen by my family. Besides, when I'm really bad - I don't want to stop.

I hope your gp can help and that you get an appointment soon. Please, keep us updated.

Good luck
I'm not sure I'd dare to have an app - in case it was seen by my family. Besides, when I'm really bad - I don't want to stop.

I hope your gp can help and that you get an appointment soon. Please, keep us updated.

Good luck[/QUOTE]
I certainly didn’t have a great childhood and it was something that I did talk to a therapist about for a short while before she dumped me. I do think it is the reason for my lack of self confidence as I was always deemed the ‘disappointing’ one. I always felt as if I was in the way, an annoyance, certainly for my mum not so much my dad. He did his best to protect me. But I never feel good enough doesn’t matter what I’m doing.

I’m very careful with my phone and have apps hidden in folders so no one stumbles across it if they have my phone.

I’m at work tomorrow and completely snowed under with end of term and planning for next year but I’m hoping to get an appointment with my gp. Not sure what I’d say though other than things aren’t good. He said if he was going to change my meds it would be quite a difficult transition as I’m already on my second lot. I’m not sure that meds are the answer anyway. 😓

Take care, stay safe x
 
#12
I put my problems down to childhood trauma. Do you think that's true for you too?

I'm not sure I'd dare to have an app - in case it was seen by my family. Besides, when I'm really bad - I don't want to stop.

I hope your gp can help and that you get an appointment soon. Please, keep us updated.

Good luck
But thank you for replying. It does mean a lot that someone took the time to read it
You're welcome!

Self destructive is what I do and have done for so long, I don’t know any other way
In principle, it might be possible to learn a different way to respond, though it might be difficult because you've SH'd for so long.

This thread has some info about SH alternatives
https://www.suicideforum.com/community/threads/techniques-to-avoid-self-harm-in-a-crisis.1213/

I bet if you could go someplace where you could scream and shout, that might help
Thank you. I will take a look at the thread. My self harm is very underhanded. Nothing obvious to the naked eye. Finding somewhere to scream and shout is definitely required. My old therapist asked me if I ever let rip and shouted and screamed. I’ve never done it. Everything contained inside which I guess is part of the problem. Hope your having an ok day. X
 

Wispiwill

Well-Known Member
#13
I certainly didn’t have a great childhood and it was something that I did talk to a therapist about for a short while before she dumped me. I do think it is the reason for my lack of self confidence as I was always deemed the ‘disappointing’ one. I always felt as if I was in the way, an annoyance, certainly for my mum not so much my dad. He did his best to protect me. But I never feel good enough doesn’t matter what I’m doing.

I’m very careful with my phone and have apps hidden in folders so no one stumbles across it if they have my phone.

I’m at work tomorrow and completely snowed under with end of term and planning for next year but I’m hoping to get an appointment with my gp. Not sure what I’d say though other than things aren’t good. He said if he was going to change my meds it would be quite a difficult transition as I’m already on my second lot. I’m not sure that meds are the answer anyway. 😓

Take care, stay safe x
I can relate. My sibling was the clever one - the favourite - despite my parents claiming not to have one. What can you do, as a kid, when your mother describes you and your sibling as opposites and then goes on to list all the siblings virtues and tell you how great they are. She didn't mean it unkindly. She just didn't hear how she sounded.

I'd still be too scared to use it. Nice idea though.

I think, when it comes to meds, they need to know if they're working properly or not. Since this lot doesn't seem to be doing the job - they should know. It's possible they can switch you in stages? It depends upon the meds you're on (obviously). Meds are useful where chemical imbalances are the problem (or at least part of it). It all depends upon the diagnosis.

Thank you. I will take a look at the thread. My self harm is very underhanded. Nothing obvious to the naked eye. Finding somewhere to scream and shout is definitely required. My old therapist asked me if I ever let rip and shouted and screamed. I’ve never done it. Everything contained inside which I guess is part of the problem. Hope your having an ok day. X
I know this was in reply to someone else but, again, I'm struck by the similarity. Anything I do to hurt myself is also very carefully done so that it can't be seen. Nothing noticeable. Nothing permanent. Same thing with crying and that. I do all that out of sight and when I can't be heard. I make sure that no-one in my real life knows anything of how I feel. It sounds like you do the same.

Take care.
 
#14
I certainly didn’t have a great childhood and it was something that I did talk to a therapist about for a short while before she dumped me. I do think it is the reason for my lack of self confidence as I was always deemed the ‘disappointing’ one. I always felt as if I was in the way, an annoyance, certainly for my mum not so much my dad. He did his best to protect me. But I never feel good enough doesn’t matter what I’m doing.

I’m very careful with my phone and have apps hidden in folders so no one stumbles across it if they have my phone.

I’m at work tomorrow and completely snowed under with end of term and planning for next year but I’m hoping to get an appointment with my gp. Not sure what I’d say though other than things aren’t good. He said if he was going to change my meds it would be quite a difficult transition as I’m already on my second lot. I’m not sure that meds are the answer anyway. 😓

Take care, stay safe x
I can relate. My sibling was the clever one - the favourite - despite my parents claiming not to have one. What can you do, as a kid, when your mother describes you and your sibling as opposites and then goes on to list all the siblings virtues and tell you how great they are. She didn't mean it unkindly. She just didn't hear how she sounded.

I'd still be too scared to use it. Nice idea though.

I think, when it comes to meds, they need to know if they're working properly or not. Since this lot doesn't seem to be doing the job - they should know. It's possible they can switch you in stages? It depends upon the meds you're on (obviously). Meds are useful where chemical imbalances are the problem (or at least part of it). It all depends upon the diagnosis.

Thank you. I will take a look at the thread. My self harm is very underhanded. Nothing obvious to the naked eye. Finding somewhere to scream and shout is definitely required. My old therapist asked me if I ever let rip and shouted and screamed. I’ve never done it. Everything contained inside which I guess is part of the problem. Hope your having an ok day. X
I know this was in reply to someone else but, again, I'm struck by the similarity. Anything I do to hurt myself is also very carefully done so that it can't be seen. Nothing noticeable. Nothing permanent. Same thing with crying and that. I do all that out of sight and when I can't be heard. I make sure that no-one in my real life knows anything of how I feel. It sounds like you do the same.

Take care.
Perhaps there is some comfort in knowing I’m not the only one. I’ve been on the top dose of mirtazapine for a few months now but I don’t really think they’ve done anything. I’m not sure what else he had in mind.
Being seen as the less able one is very damaging and it looks like your mum didn’t realise what she was doing just like mine. She was always surprised if I got in somewhere and I was always compared to the others. I try very hard to make sure I don’t do the same thing to my kids. Each one has their strengths and we celebrate them all equally. I’ve tried really hard to support them in whatever direction they wish to go. All I want is for them to be happy.
Self harm can come under deliberate neglect. I’m considering cancelling my cbt appointment. Im due an operation which has been delayed because of Covid but I’m considering cancelling that. I don’t take meds which I’m supposed to but take others that I don’t really need. In my head I’m thinking someone else is far more in need than I am. Suppressing everything from everyone around you is exhausting and I feel your pain. Perhaps one day things will start to feel easier but at the moment I can’t begin to see a better future ahead.
Take care and sleep well and stay safe x
 

Wispiwill

Well-Known Member
#15
I've looked up Mirtazapine and it says you'd need to be taken off it slowly. I would suggest that the doctor would probably split your dose into two (it says you can do that) and then lower one and then the other (morning first) until you're off them. Unless there's a chemically suitable replacement of course but I would assume the website I looked at would mention it. It should be noted that one of the rarer side effects of that med is suicidal thoughts. Is it possible that that's what's happening here? Or is it just that it's not working. Either way, the doctor needs to know that it's not working. The longer you stay on them, the longer it will take to come off.

Have you ever gone through withdrawal before? I haven't, personally, but I've seen someone who has. It's not fun for you or the people around you. If you can, you should warn your family so they understand that you'll be more sensitive etc and not to take it personally - its the meds. Don't let that stop you from coming off them though. Like I said, it's harder the longer that you're on them and, sooner or later, they'll take you off once they work out they're not working.

I think part of the problem with my mum was that she was telling the truth. My sibling IS more capable than me. He's one of those people for whom the adage they can do anything they want if they put their mind to it is actually true. It just wasn't nice to be reminded of it. He was the bright shining star - I was the one that 'tried their best'. I only have the one kid so it's easier to be equal.

I do the neglect but I also do things to deliberately hurt me - as long as they don't leave a mark. I don't think you should cancel medical appointments though, if only because that'll be noticed by the family (and health people) and they might start asking questions. Better cover to go, I think.

I'm constantly tired and I suspect that you are too. I don't think all the emotional baggage that we carry helps. As to things getting better in the future - I can't say. I don't know if people can get over childhood trauma but at least if you understand why, I think it can help. Maybe? Or maybe it just trivialises it. I'm not sure. I'm still working on it, myself.
 
#16
I've looked up Mirtazapine and it says you'd need to be taken off it slowly. I would suggest that the doctor would probably split your dose into two (it says you can do that) and then lower one and then the other (morning first) until you're off them. Unless there's a chemically suitable replacement of course but I would assume the website I looked at would mention it. It should be noted that one of the rarer side effects of that med is suicidal thoughts. Is it possible that that's what's happening here? Or is it just that it's not working. Either way, the doctor needs to know that it's not working. The longer you stay on them, the longer it will take to come off.

Have you ever gone through withdrawal before? I haven't, personally, but I've seen someone who has. It's not fun for you or the people around you. If you can, you should warn your family so they understand that you'll be more sensitive etc and not to take it personally - its the meds. Don't let that stop you from coming off them though. Like I said, it's harder the longer that you're on them and, sooner or later, they'll take you off once they work out they're not working.

I think part of the problem with my mum was that she was telling the truth. My sibling IS more capable than me. He's one of those people for whom the adage they can do anything they want if they put their mind to it is actually true. It just wasn't nice to be reminded of it. He was the bright shining star - I was the one that 'tried their best'. I only have the one kid so it's easier to be equal.

I do the neglect but I also do things to deliberately hurt me - as long as they don't leave a mark. I don't think you should cancel medical appointments though, if only because that'll be noticed by the family (and health people) and they might start asking questions. Better cover to go, I think.

I'm constantly tired and I suspect that you are too. I don't think all the emotional baggage that we carry helps. As to things getting better in the future - I can't say. I don't know if people can get over childhood trauma but at least if you understand why, I think it can help. Maybe? Or maybe it just trivialises it. I'm not sure. I'm still working on it, myself.
I think my mum was telling the truth as well. I’m the one in the middle but both my brother and sister where far brighter than me. I am definitely the mediocre on, they both passed the 11+ and went to grammar etc. and I always seemed to scrape through to the next stage by the skin of my teeth. There was one occasion when I broke my foot playing in the garden and as I hopped in to the kitchen my mum said ‘don’t come running to me if you’ve broken your foot’. Apart from the obvious pun here, it was Sunday lunch and she was plating up and I was an inconvenience. Strange how things like that stay in your head.

My SH is mostly neglect but also meds misuse. It’s my go to when things get too much. Gp is aware but still prescribes them! Asks for my assurance that I’ll not misuse them, I lie and then he gives them to me. I’ve also had a couple of nights when an ambulance has been called out because I’ve taken to many but I’ve never yet made it in to the hospital (I’ve always declined) and so far managed to get away with anyone in the house noticing. They slept through the whole thing. If your wondering who called the ambulance, I used to use a forum which also took your tel and address and if I said anything remotely about having OD they would call the police. Quickly learnt fake number and address was called for!

I think coming off the mirtazapine is going to be difficult if that’s what my gp suggests. He may decide to discuss a plan first before going that route. Ive missed one dose before, I did it because I’d overdosed the day before! But when I took the next dose the side effects were horrendous, like someone sending an electric shock through your whole body, like a defibrillator. When started taking them I had something similar like a speed camera going off in my head, but the missed dose side effects were far worse. I’ll just have to see what he says. The suicidal thoughts were there before I started taking these (I was on sertaline before) so it’s not the meds causing that. He did say switching off these will be far harder.

I agree with the constant exhaustion which is relentless. Doesn’t matter what I’m doing. As you say the emotional baggage is too heavy but the exhaustion makes it so much harder to fight. I’m relying on Samaritans at the moment to get through most days.

It’s good to talk and share and perhaps one day we will look back and realise how far we’ve come. We can only hope.
Take care x
 
#17
Just had the phonecall from the gp. Total waste of time. I mentioned not being able to sleep and that I’m taking extra meds to get me to sleep. He just prescribed more and told me to take care! Onward to a meds binge tonight!!
 

Wispiwill

Well-Known Member
#18
It's harder when you can see that they're right, isn't it. If your siblings would just screw up, then you could feel better about yourself. Of course the problem with that is then you feel guilty for wanting them to fail. And so the cycle continues of you feeling crap and then you feeling crap because you feel crap.

Meds misuse is really dangerous, but the I suspect you know that. Do you think it's a sneaky way of trying to kill yourself without being obviously overt about it?

Your GP sounds like he's covering his back. He's done the legal thing of getting you to agree to take them properly so that he's off the hook if you don't. Otherwise he doesn't seem to care at all. Have you thought about changing GP's or is his lack of commitment actually a bonus for you?

I hope you don't do a meds binge. Take care.
 
#19
Meds misuse is really dangerous, but the I suspect you know that. Do you think it's a sneaky way of trying to kill yourself without being obviously overt about it?


Your GP sounds like he's covering his back. He's done the legal thing of getting you to agree to take them properly so that he's off the hook if you don't. Otherwise he doesn't seem to care at all. Have you thought about changing GP's or is his lack of commitment actually a bonus for you?

I hope you don't do a meds binge. Take care.
I do know how dangerous meds misuse is both the long term and potential short term dangers. It started out as a test. A test to see if I was brave enough to take more than a standard dose. And only at night when I could sleep them off. But these things always start small and then it’s so easy to start pushing out the boundaries. I guess that’s the danger. It just gets easier to do it again and next time to take a couple more or increase the risk to try during the day or when at work. All the time knowing I’m putting myself at risk. But that’s the point.

I fully agree that gps are most concerned about covering their backs. I don’t blame them, they have a tough job particularly at the moment. My care plan says he’s supposed to be monitoring me and checking to see how I’m getting on with the dose but of course he doesn’t. I don’t think he even knows. The last letter he received was after an assessment where they’d asked me on a scale of 1-10 how likely I was to OD again and I said 10. He has that in writing and he still prescribes strong pain meds. I am testing him to see if he notices and he quite obviously doesn’t. I’m not going to change gp.

Thank you for caring and hoping I don’t binge tonight. It really does mean a lot. Take care and stay safe. *hug
 

Wispiwill

Well-Known Member
#20
I can understand that. That's the problem when you take the first step. It makes the second one that much easier to take.

It's hard when the self-destructive part of you keeps taking those few inches that you give it. It's hard to try and take them back and, to be fair, it's harder still to WANT to.

I'm here, though, if you want to talk. Take care.
 

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