I always feel like there are two sides, two halves of me, each one having a different voice. There’s one who is the mum, the teacher, the wife who does all the things that mums, teachers and wives do. This half is logical and hard working. Then there is the other half. This half is screaming most of the time. Plotting ways to escape and believes I am worthless and unimportant. This side of me can take over making rational thought impossible causing me to do stupid things and plan how to end my life. It imagines running away and never coming back. The other side is quieter but will eventually come through and that little voice which says what about the kids? What would happen to them if you ran away? What would happen to them if you left? The thing is at this very moment I really really really want to die, want to run, want to escape and if I let go, stopped fighting, this voice is so strong and in so much pain it would be so easy. I could let this feeling take over completely. But somehow I still hang on and that logical thinking part of me eventually stops me every time. But it doesn’t stop the hurting and it doesn’t stop the daily, hourly battle.
I’m emotionless because I have to suppress the screaming and the pain all the time. I have to surround this feeling in armoured steal to stop it from escaping. But it stops all other emotion as well. I didn’t feel cross, I don’t feel love or happiness or sadness. It stops all emotions because I have to suppress everything, keep it in, keep it tight. If I let go then it would be an explosion that I wouldn’t be able to control.
I hate living like this. And that’s the voice which is dangerous. That’s the voice which is ready to give up. Ready to give in and allow things just to happen. Last night when I couldn’t sleep it would have been so easy to take that final leap. Am I strong enough to keep fighting this? Will this destructive voice get stronger and louder? Will the logical voice get so tired that eventually it can’t be heard? I want to cry, scream, lash out but instead I will curl into a ball, listen to a sleep app and try to escape in sleep before doing it all again tomorrow.
I’m emotionless because I have to suppress the screaming and the pain all the time. I have to surround this feeling in armoured steal to stop it from escaping. But it stops all other emotion as well. I didn’t feel cross, I don’t feel love or happiness or sadness. It stops all emotions because I have to suppress everything, keep it in, keep it tight. If I let go then it would be an explosion that I wouldn’t be able to control.
I hate living like this. And that’s the voice which is dangerous. That’s the voice which is ready to give up. Ready to give in and allow things just to happen. Last night when I couldn’t sleep it would have been so easy to take that final leap. Am I strong enough to keep fighting this? Will this destructive voice get stronger and louder? Will the logical voice get so tired that eventually it can’t be heard? I want to cry, scream, lash out but instead I will curl into a ball, listen to a sleep app and try to escape in sleep before doing it all again tomorrow.