my daughter hates me

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by cutiepie132, Jun 28, 2012.

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  1. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I keep telling myself that I am stronger than this, I can deal with this, but I need someone to talk to.. The two people I used to always be able to talk to on here don't want to talk to me anymore. Would be nice to have someone that does..

    My daughter (she's 17), is always telling me she hates me. I asked her why, and she would not say. I told her if you don't tell me why, I can't do anything to change it, and she said it doesn't matter what you do, I will always hate you. At that point, I had to quit talking to her cause I started crying.

    I know she's upset from something I did quite sometime ago over this boy she was talking to, she got really upset with him, was crying for hours, so I asked him to talk to her about it, and he ended up telling her I told him. She didn't like it cause we moved back in with her dad. She had horrible feelings over me being sick.

    She turns to me for someone to talk to.. I do whatever I need to take care of her. I am not controlling. I let her go out whenever she wants, no curfue. I don't screem at her, and never talk to her in a bad way. I know that I am a good mother..

    But I have reached that point that I am tired of people treating me like shit and it doesn't matter who it is, I don't want to put up with it.

    I am moving toward the end of the year and getting a house, and I will have a good job. I'm taking medication which helps with the illness that I have, so I am not bedridden with pain and fatigue anymore. Think I am doing pretty good. I want something positive to happen with my life. but this stupid depression.. how is one to not get upset over such a comment.

    How do I go about handling this? Do I demand that she shows me respect if she chooses to live with me (and I already know she wants to). Should I ask her if she would go to councelling with me? I'm sure she'll say no. I don't really know what to do. :(
  2. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    well, if she turns to you for someone to talk to is a sure sign she still loves you.
    its not bad to demand from her that she shows you respect, i guess. it would be great if she agrees to go counselling with you.
  3. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    I think it is just an escape valve for her, a way to pass her stress on to you. She knows she can rail and yell at you and you will still care for her.
    Can you tell her how you feel, if you think its a good idea to do so?
  4. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Ask your daughter an empowering question (or two...) Mary, gently, next time she says "I hate you", say: "Honey, if someone you loved kept telling you that they hated you, how would you feel?........ would you not at least want to know why? What is going to become of our relationship if you keep saying this to me?" etc.....

    and/or "what have I done to offend you, honey, that makes you feel that you hate me?"

    It must be very distressing for you Mary - I would try and get some answers from her and then in the course of conversation, suggest that your relationship needs some outside support for a while to get it back on track, such as the counselling. :)
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I think if you DID set a curfew and a few ground rules that she would respect you more. Setting a curfew shows you care about her. I'm sorry she's treating you this way, you don't deserve it :hug:
  6. red ribbons

    red ribbons Well-Known Member

    My son has hated me since he was at least 11-snowed and bought off by my ex husband. He's 44 now. Suicide and depression is not always a chemical imbalance in the brain but all the cr*p life throws at you!
  7. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Do what it takes to establish a dialogue, but remember, at her age, they have an old mouth and a young head...counseling and support are ways to establish that dialogue...also, as you have set goals for yourself, maybe establishing a plan for her would be of benefit...we want to be rewarded, but more importantly, we want to feel valued...these times are tough for a teenager, no matter what the living conditions...and usually, the ones we protest the most to are the ones we also love and feel most secure with
  8. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    She sounds like a typical, normal, healthy seventeen-year-old to me! I can't tell you how many of my friends who were girls told me tales of how terrible--no downright treacherous--toward their mothers when they were teenagers. And then they grew up, hit their mid-twenties (or suddenly sooner) & fell in deep, deep respect, admiration, and love with them. Almost idol status! Especially once they started to have children of their own. That must seem light years away from now, or that you do not believe it to be so for you, in the future, but I'd be willing to bet that many of these girls' moms that I spoke of, felt that very same way back then, too!
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 28, 2012
  9. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I'm not restrictive with her curfew because I know I can trust her. You can just tell by the type of person she is. She isn't sexually active (hopefully won't be for awhile!), doesn't drink, doesn't smoke pot, doesn't do drugs. My son was a different story at that age and it wasn't hard to tell.. He was agressive growing up, I had a lot of problems with our relationship but things are good now. I guess they mature some in their 20's. (And I said some!) lol..

    I know how teenagers can be. I've already raised one. But it's just the fact that I am tired of people treating me that way. I've been in abusive relationships. During my divorce, when my kids were much younger, they were using brivary with them as well. They taught my kids to be disrespectful toward me. And the ex mother-in-law, she is a nasty one with the mouth also. I don't even talk to her now. And all the shit I had to listen to that I was faking being sick, really pisses me off.. To suffer that bad, and have people mock you over it, they need to freeking grow up. Or grow a heart..

    urPrecious, that is wonderful advice, I may try to make her understand on my end how that feels. If she'll even care. I might actually have to write a letter to her, cause I know all these discussions with her just makes me end up crying. Is that a bad idea?

    I told her today she is either going to be respectful or she can stay with her dad. She said she would just stay with her dad then.. I can't imagine she is really going to do that for she doesn't like it here anymore than I do. I really want her to stay with me, but... my life needs to change, I need to quit being around people that just want to treat me like shit all the time. Especially since I don't deserve it. If I did something, that would be different, but I haven't.. And she doesn't say these things when she's mad, she just says them. So it's hard not to take it to heart.

    red ribbons, you said a mouth full. it's always been due to all the crap in my life. all that and having to deal with an illness that I wasn't getting treatment for. sometimes we get more than we are capable of handling, doesn't mean you have a chemical imbalance. I am doing pretty okay these days,, and I don't think I will ever make another attempt on my life again,, or should hope not!

    thanks for trying to help everyone. i really appreciate that. :)
  10. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    oh and she refused to go to family councelling, she doesn't seem to be willing to make any effort with me at all.
  11. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    she is a teenager hun my girl used to say she hated me all the time I think boundaries need to be set up If she talks to you it is with respect if she is angry it is okay to be angry to be sad but to treat you with respect is a must Yes she does love you hun very much like said she knows she can vent at you because she knows you love her. I hope you get to the root of her anger. Perhaps getting a school councillor to talk to her would help
  12. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I know why she feels that way, cause she grew up with mom having a chronic disease.. when i went through the divorce with her dad, they wanted to take my kids, and him and his parents made them disrespectful toward me. I have put up with this for along time.. Then i butted in with her problems with her boyfriend, and that made things ten thousand times worse, but I know things will turn out okay, as long as I am good to her, and am there for her when she needs me, she will realize some day that she doesn't really feel that way, well hopefully..

    No school councelor because I pulled her out when she started jr high and started homeschooling her (school phobia) and after I got her back in finally, the school messed it up so she couldn't get into highschool.. her studies where pretty lousy, so I dropped her out of homeschool and bought her a GED book. I encourage her to study but she's not doing it much. It just stinks... If I get anything done in life, I just want to see her get her diploma.
  13. sadguy33

    sadguy33 Banned Member

    I hold some resentment towards my mom because she tried so hard but by trying so hard she really fucked up my life. She got me away from my friends at 18 because I got in trouble with the police and I had to live by myself on the ocean which seemed cool at the time until she couldn't afford it very long and I had to live with my dad in the middle of nowhere where I have been depressed sitting in my room for the past 3 years, because I couldn't bare the humalition to my friends. She also didn't like me working at a golf course because its were I first started smoking weed(my manager smoked me out). So she made me quit that job and I haven't had a job since. My mom tried but all she did was make things worse for me. However I know why she did what she did because she loved me and I will always love her too. Which I'm sure your daughter does too don't take what she says sometimes to heart she definately loves you.
  14. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I've been down a similar road. I tell my kids that what they are really saying when they use the word hate is that they are angry. It's okay to be angry but it's not okay to harm others with that anger. My daughters didn't want to talk to me much until they were in their mid 20's. Every bit of it hurt. I had to go to therapy for me. To sort out my own anger, and to separate fact from fiction.

    I had to let my 17 year old daughter go live in a transition house for teens because I was at the end of my rope for the umpteenth time. I hated it, but we got through it.

    I hope you feel better soon. :hug:
  15. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    I didn't read all the other posts so I apologize if my comments are at all repetitive.
    I think if she comes to you to talk about stuff she does respect you and want to talk to you and definitely loves you.
    She's expressing her anger or probably just frustration by saying the word "hate" when I think she means something else but can't define it properly.
    I know you are a good mom and I am here for you.

    You said I didn't respond to a message but I have none from you so I hope you will respond here.

    take good care
  16. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Sadguy33,, can't blame your mom for wanting to keep you out of trouble. Getting in trouble with the law and smoking weed, well where is that going to get you? Reminds me of a moment back in time with my son, he smoked it and I thought he was high on drugs so I had him forced in the hospital. He still tells that story how mom made him go to the ER because he was smoking weed. I never gave him too much lip about the alcohol, other than ask that if he did it, to promise me he wouldn't drink and drive. I got the promise but he didn't live up to it. Drugs, he was into that for a little while. It was a lot on my part to make sure he stopped. Where is he now? Getting ready to retire from the military and going to school to be a doctor. Your life is what you make of it. If it's kicking you one in the ass, kick it back. You do have the capability to make it better.

    My life has been no bed of roses. The past 15 yrs I have been extremely sick. Too tired to function,, and always in pain. When you don't have the energy to get up to do anything, and you feel that awful all the time, it's not something someone wants to wake up to do all over again. Battle in trying to find out what was wrong. Battle in trying to get it treated. On medication now, and it helps me stay out of bed, but they are yet to give me the one that would make the major difference. Relationships have always been bad. Abused more than once. Been on SSI forever, have not done anything meaningful with my life, other than taking care of my kids. They were always disrespectful toward me after I went through my divorce and that was extremely hard on me. To have your child tell you to kill yourself is the last thing a mother would ever want to here.

    You know why I am still here? Because I love my kids and I want to be here for them. I think a lot of the reason I used to stay so depressed was because I felt like my life was worthless, felt incapable of doing anything. Since I started taking college courses in health care, it's really changed those thoughts for me.

    Good friends aren't going to make you feel bad over what you went through. You may have some that miss you dearly, you should call them.. Don't sit around in your room depressed, that isn't going to help anything.

    (thanks Meme,, appreciate that)..
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