My day

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sad Rabbit, Jun 19, 2009.

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  1. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    Today was exactly like any other. I woke up, I went to work. I finished work. I went to the shopping mall for no reason at all apart from not wanting to go home. When I was tired, I drove down to the sea front and sat in my car and stared at the seaside. When boredom overtook me, I dragged myself home. I put the TV on and I'm waiting to go to bed. Day over.

    There was no mail for me. No one called me. No one said anything to me.
    Tomorrow will be another day and today will pass as if nothing has happened.

    This how my birthdays have been all my adult life.

    Is there any reason why I should continue my life existing like this?
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Not sure when your birthday is, but happy birthday and go into chat and see who is there...big hugs, J
  3. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    Thank you for that. It was yesterday the 19th.

    And after yesterday, I have concluded that I have no reason to continue this life and I am going to start putting my plans into place.

    Things are never going to change. It is obviously too much to ask in life for even the smallest amount of happiness. There is none to be had. I have every reason to do this and no reason not to.
  4. Jacob1973

    Jacob1973 Well-Known Member

    My birthday was may 9th. I spent most of the day crying, walking around the mall after work too. 36 years on this earth and I feel like a complete failure, so I can completely relate to you. I have been laid off for 2 weeks now, and its not really felt much better. All I can say at the moment is to just keep going and trying.. That is the only thing thats keeping me going.
  5. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    Ty for your reply. I guessed I wasn't alone feeling like this, but that does not change the fact I am alone.

    Right now, I am feeling better. I have taken another step along my journey and done a little more preparation - I have made a written request that I be cremated and my ashes be poured down the drain and finish at the local sewer. If life is continually treat me like shit, what space I am taking up in the world had just as well be mixed up in it. After all - life has treated me that way, despite my years and years of trying to fight it.

    I have asked for no memorial, no plaque, no mention of me be left on anything anywhere. I want all pictures of me destroyed. I will leave the world as nothing, because in life and to other people, I am nothing.

    Right now I feel life is very soon going to get what it wants from me. All I need now is one more reason why I shouldn't do what everyone appears to want.
  6. passer

    passer Active Member

    What do you do for a living, try talking to someone on your job, make new friends :)
  7. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    My job is probably 80% of the reason why I feel like this. Every aspect of my life home, social (lack of), work, whatever, is nothing but a pile of isolation, rejection and misery. To be honest, if I was happy at my work, I feel I could cope with everything else which is wrong in my life.

    The reality is I am stranded in a job which is an unending source of discrimination and victimisation. I suffer it because the pay is okay as well as all the other stuff. I have spent over ten years trying to get out of it - and I have given up trying.

    I used to have fight, determination and ambition in me, but now it has all gone and I have nothing left in me.

    This is my life.

    As for friends....nope. Been there, tried that. No one wants to know - or at least wants to know for very long. Life has dictated to me that I am never to have any. Ever.
  8. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    Right now, I feel lost.

    I am trying to rationalise what there is going on with me at the moment. I am trying to be logical and clinical about everything which making me feel the way I do and no matter how hard I try, I cannot see any 'light at the end of the tunnel' for me. Basically, I have absolutly nothing to look forward to. Last night I had about four hours sleep which is starting to catch up with me. My sleep patterns have been totally shot for weeks now.

    I have no focus, no objective, no purpose to anything, which equates to no future and no reason. Its 18:44 on Sunday - and all I have left in the world is another tedious, boring depressing week at work - which is like any other week and in a week or so's time, the middle of the year and there is nothing but the slow drag towards Christmas (another huge bag of worms for me!!!) - then it all starts again.

    Apologies if I seem to be rambling, but I'm just typing down some thoughts which are in my head at the moment.
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Happy belated birthday!

    I'm sorry you are so lonely :sad:

    Perhaps you could join some new clubs to make friends? Martial arts or something :D
  10. Ignored

    Ignored Staff Alumni

    I would say that the first thing that needs to be addressed is your sleeping... if that's shot to pieces then mood often goes with it. Could you go to your gp and ask them for a short course of sleeping tablets to try and get your sleep settled again, then you can try to think about alternatives to the situation you're in right now?
  11. I apologize if this posting has some hard edges or seems to make unfair assumptions (which I don't intend to do). I think there's some virtue, especially in forums, in asking thing simply — and also, I don't know much about you. So ...

    You mentioned that you did not want to see a doctor, as doctors have not listened to you. But did you follow their directions as to treatment? In such a state of mind as you are expressing (and seem to have long been burdened with) people simply cannot think rationally about their care. That applies to everyone — and even doctors don't treat themselves. Medication is not a magic bullet, but it can help a person to see and to grasp possibilities that he could not have before. As I suppose you already know, it often takes a few weeks to begin to work, and perhaps a few months; and some people have to try various kinds before they find the right one. I don't think you can say that you've exhausted your possibilities if you have not spent several months — at least — on a consistent course of treatment involving both drugs and regular talk therapy.

    Speaking of this — have you tried various counselors? Not medical doctors, I mean, but people who sole work is talk therapy. If you look methodically for people (giving them a chance!), eventually you will find someone you can work with, even if you don't right away. You might even consider looking to ministers if you have trouble finding a counselor — not because they are religious, but because some of them have excellent counseling skills, in part, probably, from having seen so much of human struggle.

    I will offer one last thing. It is possible that, in the unlikely event that none of the above yield substantial improvement, you might be helped by electro-convulsive therapy (ECT). It is not at all like what it was in the past or the caricatures some make of it today; rather, it's civilized and painless, and, for some people, it works where everything else has failed.
  12. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    Thank you for your reply. Yes, I did go to the doctors once. Such was my feelings at the time (a few years ago), I was having stress related stomach pains which was due to access acid. I was asked if i was stressed, feeling low, what my eating/sleeping was like, and I told him. He simply did not want to know, gave me a perscription for some anti-acid tablets and that was it. There was no help, medication or treatment, he simply was not interested in my problems. That was the end of that.

    Sometime later, my sleep patterns were affecting my work and I was asked to see the company nurse who referred me to a councellor. I had six sessions with a person who knew nothing about me and refused to listen to me, whilst drawing her own hopelssly wrong conclusions about me and telling me what I should or shouldn't be doing. I was even told at one session if I didn't not want to listen to her, don't come again. At one point she even laughed at me.

    I will never, ever seek a counceller again in my lifetime to give someone a chance to humiliate me again.

    I have no confidence in doctors or whatever and I don't want to go through all that again. I can only conclude that for whatever reason, I am beyond professional help - or interest.
  13. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    Thanks for your reply

    I am trying to decide what to do about my sleeping. My erratic sleeping comes and goes. I am either up all night or I come home from work and crash out. But for some reason, my problems do not come under the interest of doctors. Presumably I am not worthy of their trouble.

    As for alternatives? I have spent many years and piles of money seeking alternatives, interests, hobbies, clubs and everything else. I have still ended up isolated and alone and poorer as a result. Besides, lately I have had no interest to do anything anymore.
  14. But I don't think that's a reasonable conclusion. You haven't even been to see a psychiatrist, and you haven't tried drug therapy. A lot of doctors can't see beyond their standard toolkit — you saw a stomach doctor. He was inattentive and unconcerned, which was wrong, and he should have referred you to a psychiatrist. But you don't know that it had anything to do with you — or that it can tell you about the medical profession in general. Maybe he had a splitting headache that day, or maybe he was getting divorced. Maybe he's just a jerk.

    And, yes, your counselor behaved awfully, but (what is more to the point) she showed herself to be an incompetent professional.

    Are you going to let these two people stand between you and your best hope for life? If you had cancer rather than depression, would you give up before even talking to an oncologist? If you met with a lousy nutritionist, would you turn your back on the whole field, or would you look for someone better?

    Remember, you're the customer here: these services are tools for you to use for living.

    There is no reason for there to be only misery ahead of you. You are not without treatment possibilities, nor are you without life possibilities. For instance, even in your present state — emotionally devastated and sleep-deprived — you're a good writer. That's uncommon, to say the least. Even if you only wrote in your spare time, what could you accomplish for yourself, or what could you contribute to others, with your talent?

    You will have to take further risks, yes. But don't let a few bad apples deprive you of the barrel — not when you're starving.
  15. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    I appreciate your responses and I don’t want to always sound negative. But I don’t think there is anything anyone can do. I don’t want to live my life (such as it is) in some drug-fuelled illusion that gives artificial light to my issues. Drugs are not going to make any changes to the world and how everyone in the world reacts to me. They will only distort my perspective of everything when I know how bad reality is.

    I am sceptical of psychiatrists – I just feel my problems are way, way beyond simple chatting. I don’t feel there is any way I can bring myself in front of my doctor and tell him the way I feel again. I simply have no incentive, reason or drive to do so.

    To be honest, I really have given up. I’ve done all the social clubs, college courses and everything else just to mix with people and I have always been the one to come off worse. It happens every time without fail – and sometimes I don’t even have to say or do anything. Even happened one time in an online game. It doesn’t get worse than that.

    My feelings right now is that of coldness. I seem to have gotten past the point of emotion. I have run out of tears. I just live though the day, knowing tomorrow is going to be exactly like today and nothing is ever going to fundamentally change. I have tried to create change, but every time I get beaten back and end up where I started (usually poorer).

    Life, it seems, is for other people.

    As for being a Writer? Been there, done that, ended up where I started. Failed. (Same with everything else I’ve tried).
  16. [blank post: ignore]

    Put my reply in the wrong place again.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 24, 2009
  17. That was why I referred to writing in your spare time: very few writers can make a living from writing, even the ones who get books published. If you focus on success like that, you are likely to be disappointed. But, if you focus on the quality of your work, you can't fail. After all, there have been more than a few artists, unknown in their day, who did excellent work. Some of them, in fact, were so good that they later became actually famous. (Besides, what with the internet, everyone with some substance to share will in time find an audience to speak to.)

    The things I say (to repeat myself a little), I say as one wreck to another — that is, trusting that you'll find any bluntness justified, or at least excused, by goodwill and circumstances.

    You suggest that drugs "will only distort my perspective of everything when I know how bad reality is." But isn't it possible that your perspective now is distorted? You are talking about lifelong issues. It is only rational to consider that drug treatment might not be rose-colored glasses but corrective lenses.

    Unless you deny the existence of biological depression — whether from special genetic susceptibility or developmental problems — I don't see how you can dismiss the possibility that your impressions of the world are themselves disordered.

    In fact, I would say you have good reason to suspect this. You write that it has been utterly impossible for you to form friendships, something that "life has dictated" is to be the case. You've also said that "for some reason" no doctor has been or would ever be interested in you, and that the disappointing way in which "everyone in the world" reacts to you is a fixed phenomenon that could not be influenced by changes in your mood or functioning.

    Now — speaking strictly rationally — which is more likely? That the nature of your existence is profoundly different from that of your neighbors'; that you are the victim of a conspiracy that only a malevolent, omnipotent intelligence could orchestrate; or that mental illness has hamstrung you and warped your perception of reality?

    I ask seriously.

    You may have to force yourself to an answer.
  18. astella

    astella Well-Known Member

    you should join groups like the other one said
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 24, 2009
  19. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    Sad Rabbit,
    Did you ever mention to us what you do for a living? It might help us understand.
  20. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    I'm an engineer for a large power company in the UK.
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