I'm 19 years old and I really don't know why I'm here. I mean, I do know, but I shouldn't be here. My life really isn't that bad. I have two parents who love me. My dad bought me this beautiful house in another town where I live with most of my best friends and the other ones live just down the street. My parents got divorced when I was 13 and it never really bothered me that much until a year or two ago. I don't know why, but the older I got the more I began to think about it. When my parents were married, I lived in a massive house and had a happy life. My parents were friends with my friends' parents. We went on family vacations. We went out to eat. All of the good stuff. Then they got divorced. They sold our house and moved into separate houses fairly close to each other. My mom got a job where she made only commission. Never making any sales, it turned out she made no money. My dad, once a very wealthy and successful business man, has taken three massive paycuts in one year. And oh yeah. I have two sisters I never see. One is 28 with a husband and a son and they live a few states north of me. We get along when we do see each other, but that's only once a year maybe. My other sister is about my age and, although we lived together, never talk. I'm a good kid though. I'm considerate of others' feelings and would never intentionally screw someone over. I'm always looking for ways to make others happy while at the same time doing everything i can to make myself happy. I try to make people laugh and i don't easily get offended. According to others I'm a good-looking kid but I don't see it. I see a kid who will never be happy with the way he looks. I'm not good at anything. I never have been. I love all sports but am the worst athlete you will ever see in your life. I've played guitar since 5th grade and used to think I was good at that, but lately I've come to realize that I'm not that good. I have no self-control. I spend money and smoke pot like it's nothing. When I run out of money, I call my dad, knowing very well that he'll give me whatever I ask for, regardless of whether or not he has it. I spend maybe 400 to 500 bucks a week and i'm a college student. i live like a king. i go out every night and cook extravagant meals every day. I can't even deal with money properly. I smoke pot a lot. I mean, a lot. All day, every day. It makes me feel better and I'm never in a bad mood when I'm high. I can function. The thing is, when I don't want to smoke pot, I do it anyway. And it costs money. Money I don't have. Recently, my mom moved several hours south of me. She has no source of income and lives with a friend of hers. My mom is who I lived with most of the time after my parents got divorced. It used to be that I enjoyed going back home to visit my family on long weekends, now I haven't been home in several months. Although my dad still lives there and I have my own room at his house, I don't feel like I have a home to go to anymore. I'm a smart kid. All through grade school I was placed in gifted classes. Since middle school, however, I have gotten horrible grades. I admit that the majority of the time I didn't try. I constantly skipped class or feel asleep during it if I went. I've always had a terrible time doing homework. The problem is, when I did try in class, and even now in college when I try, I still can't understand it. I feel like the dumbest kid in all of my classes even though I know that I'm far from it. I don't care about myself anymore. I consider suicide occassionally. To me it seems like a way to just end everything. Solve all of my problems. The only thing keeping me alive is knowing the pain it would cause my parents and my friends. It's not like I have no friends. I have a ton of friends. I feel like a baby for complaining. I live a pretty good life and when I read stories of others I realize that. But I still can't help but cry anytime I think about the way my life was ten years ago or anytime I think about the person I've become. I'm not happy with myself and I'm not happy with how I think of myself.