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My deal...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dolfan, Oct 24, 2009.

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  1. dolfan

    dolfan New Member

    I'm 19 years old and I really don't know why I'm here. I mean, I do know, but I shouldn't be here. My life really isn't that bad. I have two parents who love me. My dad bought me this beautiful house in another town where I live with most of my best friends and the other ones live just down the street.

    My parents got divorced when I was 13 and it never really bothered me that much until a year or two ago. I don't know why, but the older I got the more I began to think about it. When my parents were married, I lived in a massive house and had a happy life. My parents were friends with my friends' parents. We went on family vacations. We went out to eat. All of the good stuff.

    Then they got divorced. They sold our house and moved into separate houses fairly close to each other. My mom got a job where she made only commission. Never making any sales, it turned out she made no money. My dad, once a very wealthy and successful business man, has taken three massive paycuts in one year.

    And oh yeah. I have two sisters I never see. One is 28 with a husband and a son and they live a few states north of me. We get along when we do see each other, but that's only once a year maybe. My other sister is about my age and, although we lived together, never talk.

    I'm a good kid though. I'm considerate of others' feelings and would never intentionally screw someone over. I'm always looking for ways to make others happy while at the same time doing everything i can to make myself happy. I try to make people laugh and i don't easily get offended. According to others I'm a good-looking kid but I don't see it. I see a kid who will never be happy with the way he looks.

    I'm not good at anything. I never have been. I love all sports but am the worst athlete you will ever see in your life. I've played guitar since 5th grade and used to think I was good at that, but lately I've come to realize that I'm not that good. I have no self-control. I spend money and smoke pot like it's nothing. When I run out of money, I call my dad, knowing very well that he'll give me whatever I ask for, regardless of whether or not he has it. I spend maybe 400 to 500 bucks a week and i'm a college student. i live like a king. i go out every night and cook extravagant meals every day. I can't even deal with money properly.

    I smoke pot a lot. I mean, a lot. All day, every day. It makes me feel better and I'm never in a bad mood when I'm high. I can function. The thing is, when I don't want to smoke pot, I do it anyway. And it costs money. Money I don't have.

    Recently, my mom moved several hours south of me. She has no source of income and lives with a friend of hers. My mom is who I lived with most of the time after my parents got divorced. It used to be that I enjoyed going back home to visit my family on long weekends, now I haven't been home in several months. Although my dad still lives there and I have my own room at his house, I don't feel like I have a home to go to anymore.

    I'm a smart kid. All through grade school I was placed in gifted classes. Since middle school, however, I have gotten horrible grades. I admit that the majority of the time I didn't try. I constantly skipped class or feel asleep during it if I went. I've always had a terrible time doing homework. The problem is, when I did try in class, and even now in college when I try, I still can't understand it. I feel like the dumbest kid in all of my classes even though I know that I'm far from it.

    I don't care about myself anymore. I consider suicide occassionally. To me it seems like a way to just end everything. Solve all of my problems. The only thing keeping me alive is knowing the pain it would cause my parents and my friends. It's not like I have no friends. I have a ton of friends.

    I feel like a baby for complaining. I live a pretty good life and when I read stories of others I realize that. But I still can't help but cry anytime I think about the way my life was ten years ago or anytime I think about the person I've become. I'm not happy with myself and I'm not happy with how I think of myself.
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm sorry because what I'm going to say you probably wont like. But I dont understand your need to self destruct. You smoke pot, way too much that daddy buys for you when you cant afford to. You are an attractive, smart young man with interests and friends and a very nice roof over your head. You have the opportunity to attend college and are capable of great grades. So why are you trying to sabotage yourself? First stop the pot. You may feel good but it is a fake good. You unfortunately have everything you need and it doesnt seem like you had to work to get any of it so you dont appreciate it. Maybe cut the money ties with dad. Get yourself a part time job and start contributing to some of the good things in your life. I honestly think part of your problem is that your life is too easy. You arent faced with any real challenges. Go out and find those challenges and give up the pot. I think you will see good changes within yourself if you have to try to work for some of the things you have in your life. You gain a much better appreciation for life and those in it if you have to get those things by earing them on your own merit. Sorry not trying to make you feel bad about what you have. Just trying to make you appreciate them a little more. Hope you find some personal growth in trying to earn some things that are important to you in life.

    You say you are a good kid. But you're 19. In may states and countries you are now legally an adult. Maybe time to start trying to take on a few adult responsibilities.
    Might be the answer your looking for? I really hope you see this as the help it is intended to be and not an insult to you in anyway. I'm glad you posted and are trying to find ways to get back to being the person you want to be. Good luck.
  3. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    You've come to the right place. Having money and other things you want is not a source for happiness. You may have a hidden issue inside of yourself, or when you stopped trying at school it may have been out of boredom because you're gifted.

    Gifted people have problems relating to others. Mensa is an organization of gifted (high IQ) people. They have a website and you may want to take a look at it.

    In the meantime, come back here and post. I suggest a diary in the let it out forum. I also suggest reading others diaries and I have found my story in the stories of others. I don't feel so alone.

    Pot is all about seeking to change the way you feel. To stop pot, you have to accept having bad feelings along with the good feelings. The bad feelings do pass. I've found it helpful to write them out so I can get them out of me.
    In time, your feelings will have a better balance.

    You need a challenge. Set up a budget, no ifs ands or buts about it. Just do it. If you find yourself suffering, that is a good sign you are having a challenge. Many people live on very little money. Find out how they do it and imitate them. You will experience a personal growth beyond your wildest dreams.

  4. dolfan

    dolfan New Member

    Listen, I know just as well as you that my life is fine, but it doesn't stop me from feeling like my life is shit. It may seem easy for some people, but I try and I try and I try to appreciate things and I can't. I don't have it bad. I know. I still can't kick these feelings though.

    I'm never happy. I try and I try to be happy. I laugh at almost everything in the world and rarely do I take people seriously. In public, I laugh at all of my flaws. When I'm by myself, I can't stop crying about my flaws.

    I don't hate myself. I don't want to hurt myself. Suicide just seems like an easy way to make it end. Like I said, it most likely will never happen because of the effects it would have on my friends and family. I just want to know what I have to do to be happy.

    I constantly feel that others are judging me. I have almost no self-esteem.

    I appreciate you taking the time to respond to me though. Thank you.
  5. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Hi Dolfan,

    It sounds like you've thought about these things a lot, and the list of all the good things in your life, well it sounds like you're trying to tell yourself that you OUGHT to be happy, because of all that. Only you're not.

    Maybe you could write some more about what you think might be going on? Why do you feel others are judging you? Only you can know what that is about, but maybe if you tried to explain it, it would make things a bit clearer, to you, and to us!

    How about it?
  6. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm sorry if it came across as I was judging you. Furthest thing from it. I know all too well the feelings you are having about yourself. And it's great that you found SF. A place to voice the things that you hide from the rest of the world. To talk about the things that you really cant understand about yourself. And it does help so please keep posting.

    Like I said earlier I think you might find some self worth and some guenuine happiness if you set some obtainable goals for yourself. Challenge yourself. Challenge yourself to do something each day that proves to you all the good things others say about you. When we suffer from depression it has a way of blinding us to all the good that we really are. Others can see it but we just cant. Volunteering at a local charity that you believe in can give you such a morality boost and help others at the same time. Maybe even consider offering one evening a week at a "Big Brother" org. Then you're helping yourself as well as helping another young person to find the same thing, some inner worth. Keep posting and keep reaching out.
  7. chooselife

    chooselife Well-Known Member

    Hi Dolfan.

    It seems you lead a fairly good life, but your underlying issues give rise for concern. The pot smoking helps to camouflage what's going on inside of you when you should really be addressing the problems. One is obviously low self esteem. The fact that you love sports yet suck at them doesn't mean you have to feel bad about it. I love tennis, but I suck at it, the main thing is I enjoy getting out there and participating. Same thing with Golf, I love to play it but I am not all that good at it.

    My parents divorced when I was young too. I was 16, they sold the house and went their separate ways, neither one of them wanted me; they were dealing with their own crap so I had live with a friend and her family. They didn't want me either but at least they had the heart to take me in. After the divorce I never had a home to go to, my mother was a chronic depressive and couldn't work so she landed up in a bedsit. My dad went to live with his girlfriend who I of course totally resented. It was horrible! I was so distraught when they divorced, I felt bitter and angry about it for years. Looking back I am glad they did get their divorce as neither one of them was happy in the relationship. They were miserable.

    Maybe you should attend a money management class? ween yourself off the pot, confront the issues you have. What about attending group therapy for your low self esteem? My sessions are what gave me back my confidence and rid me of my social anxiety disorder.

    You say - quote: "I still can't help but cry anytime I think about the way my life was ten years ago or anytime I think about the person I've become. I'm not happy with myself and I'm not happy with how I think of myself."

    First of all crying is a good thing, it helps unleash some of the tension. The person you have become is a result of incidences in your life and how you have managed them. It seems as though you have simply allowed them to remain stagnant in your psyche instead of handling them. If you keep suppressing what's really going on it'll get to the point where you will implode.

    My suggestion is to eliminate the pot, stop concealing everything, and work on yourself. It is not too late to make yourself happy again.
  8. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hiya, Dolfan, and welcome to SF! :hug:

    There are lots of possible causes for feeling so low - physical as well as situational or emotional. Have you been to your doctor for a physical lately? Also, the doctor might suggest antidepressants and maybe counseling to help you if “depression” is the cause. I think a complete physical might be good first step to moving forward

    With so many good things in your life, it would be a shame if you continue to be self-destructive (using pot, feeling suicidal…). Getting to the real root of things will help you get through those difficult feelings and rough spots. Keep in mind that pot is a temporary, artificial high that masks your feelings. If you can, stop using it. It really is better to deal with your actual feelings and not just hide from them.

    It sounds like you’ve got a lot of losses and loneliness from family issues in the past on your mind. Those feelings can resurface long after the “events” or “situations” that caused them, no matter how well other parts of our life are going. They are just things our subconscious is reminding us we need to work through on an emotional level. I’m glad you found SF - the members here are very supportive.

    I hope you feel better soon. :hug:

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