To my Dearest, You will never know how much I loved you; how much I've missed just being with you. It is 5:40 am. I have been up for about an hour watching the second hand on the clock, drinking my coffee. I have my window of opportunity. My family is leaving in a few days for a short vacation. I will be by myself. My main concern is finding a place where I won't leave a mess. It is odd the things that can run through your mind. Mary I loved you. When we were together I never worried, never thought about suicide. I don't blame you for not loving me. Can't make someone love you. Some folks are lucky; others aren't. I hope that you found love in your life and that its been a good one. You deserved happiness. You made me happy. Things have come to an end for me. Can't live a lie anymore; can't live with myself. I will go out with my integrity and my basic principles. I've heard it said that one day sober is better than all the days drunk. I'm not convinced of it anymore. If you are sober you have to deal constantly with pain. At least when I was drunk I had my illusions.