So, I live in fear. There resides deep inside me a force of malevolence. Beyond any simple anger. It feels like i loose control of my thoughts. More troublesome, i loose basic control over my movements. It feels like i have no sympathy. No concern for anyone. Just pent up hostility. I just blow up, and say things that can't be forgiven. I feel a deep sense of wanting to have power over others. To use them as pawns in my life. For the most part, i block my memories. And can't keep track of my surroundings. (Hallucinations/memory repression) Interesting side note: these are the same symptoms i get during paranoia episodes. (Hallucinations/repression/lack of physical control/trouble interacting to my environment) Of course these episodes leave lasting affects. Destroyed every romantic relationship i had. Tore a hole in my family. Created identity issues. Lead to self injury. Suicidal thoughts/actions. As a person, i'm very compassionate. Very loving, caring, patient. So to have what feels like a "demon" take over.. I just can't keep track of my self. Always blacking out large chunks of time. Hurting my loved ones, destroying relationships. I want to end this.. I can't go through life harboring it. I brought it up countless times, but no one pays attention. Or they see it, and run away. What is there to do? How do you kill something that only exist as long as you do?