My "Demon"

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Lorax, Aug 17, 2013.

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  1. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    I live in fear. There resides deep inside me a force of malevolence. Beyond any simple anger.

    It feels like i loose control of my thoughts. More troublesome, i loose basic control over my movements.

    It feels like i have no sympathy. No concern for anyone. Just pent up hostility. I just blow up, and say things that can't be forgiven.

    I feel a deep sense of wanting to have power over others. To use them as pawns in my life. For the most part, i block my memories. And can't keep track of my surroundings. (Hallucinations/memory repression)

    Interesting side note: these are the same symptoms i get during paranoia episodes. (Hallucinations/repression/lack of physical control/trouble interacting to my environment)

    Of course these episodes leave lasting affects. Destroyed every romantic relationship i had. Tore a hole in my family. Created identity issues. Lead to self injury. Suicidal thoughts/actions.

    As a person, i'm very compassionate. Very loving, caring, patient. So to have what feels like a "demon" take over..
    I just can't keep track of my self.

    Always blacking out large chunks of time. Hurting my loved ones, destroying relationships. I want to end this.. I can't go through life harboring it.

    I brought it up countless times, but no one pays attention. Or they see it, and run away. What is there to do?
    How do you kill something that only exist as long as you do?
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You talk to your psychiatrist you tell him what you have told us here print of your post even and get meds you need to get stable and to get rid of the psychosis episodes
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Are you taking meds for psychosis? It must be so hard to be a "compassionate. Very loving, caring, patient" person. And then to act in ways that is so unlike you. I dont think the goal may be to kill whatever this is. But I do not know how to make it all go away. I wish I did.

    If it feels right to you, you could try to imagine lots of light around your heart. And also light around all of you. Almost like being in a gold sun. but especially around and in the heart. I believe you when you say you are compassionate loving caring and patient. But I dont think this has to last your whole life. These kinds of energies feed from fear. They cant stand light. And the best light connection is from the heart.

    I know I am way over simplifying this. I know its so hard for you, putting it mildly. There is one more thing I was taught. I do not have psychosis. But I have high levels of transmediumship. So I have had to contend with things. AND I love people who do have psychosis. So I have learned some things. If you want to pm me I can tell you the other thing I was taught.
  4. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    They put me on Zyprexa a few years back. But can't use it now. It sort of quieted the psych dissociation.

    But i had really bad side effects. Do all anti pysch meds cause over sedation/ food related issues?
  5. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    Currently, i don't take anything. I have aderall for ADD/moods. But i don't take it.

    It is very hard. All these contradicting emotions. Very interesting idea actually. I try something, that i -think- is close to surrounding by light.

    I delve into my spiritual beliefs. It is all i can think of to try to stay positive. I'm gifted with meditation actually. That can temporarily null out my bad feelings.

    Not sure what "transmediumship" means. I try to be supportive about psychosis people. It's a tricky issue. I'm not sure how to PM, can you tell me?
  6. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    high levels of transmediumship mean that I can take on what other people are feeling. some people call it empathing. But it can makelife very difficult. Because I am always channeling through my body and thoughts what other people are feeling. It is not usually conscious though. I have done it all my life. Its not beneficial at all.

    you can pm ( private message) by clicking someones name (to the left above their information) When you click you will see many options. view profile, private message, add as contact.... You can choose private message, if you want. And that will bring up a private message, sort of email form. Then they will find the private message from you in their sf inbox. They will read it and can write back to you by clicking reply. Its like an "in house" email system.
  7. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    Thought of something recently.
    My therapist thought i had strong signs of BPD. Though officially it's diagnosed bi polar1.

    I'm not sure about what's up there, but it may be something. I should see a psychologist..
  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    BPD is borderline psychosis, as far as I know. Seeing a psychologist would be a great idea. you could get a diagnosis.... and find out whats really going on. And then get some help. They say that BPD is treatable these days with theapy etc. :hug: if thats okay
  9. prakash

    prakash Well-Known Member

    I am glad you have described your problems so well. I did not know that a mentall ill person can describe his/her problems so eloquently.
    I agree with the advice given above to talk to your psychiatrist.
    My advice is not to give up hope.
    Hell is a place where people have no hope.
    Let us keep hope alive.
    I am sorry I cannot help more.
  10. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    I'm not very familiar with it, other than some info from my last therapist. My father suffered similar things either BP or BPD.

    I think he cleared up with Zyprexa, and support. My family has experience seeing this, maybe it's time to get some tips on coping.
  11. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    I think it depends on the person, sometimes it can be hard, from issues like "dissociation" where you black-out large portions of an episode.

    I'm giving it more thought now, about seeing a psychologist for more specific help. I took the really big test the DSM or something too, a while back.

    I'm trying to keep hope, it just gets trying sometimes. But we all loose it sometimes. Just live for today i guess
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