My depression is poisoning my family

Please don't read this If you're depressed at the moment.

It's about 10 years since I first tried to kill myself. There have been some days, occasionally even weeks, when wanting to die has been far enough away in there back of my mind that I'd say I wasn't at all suicidal. But most days want to die. I just don't want my life to go on. It's not worth it for me. But mostly I don't do anything because I really love my wife and kids and I know how hard it would be for them.

But living like this is a disaster for them. If I hide how I feel they imagine the worst. If I tell them how I feel they worry I'll be dead any day. My wife talked to me today about how she cries all the time and imagines coming home to find me dead. And how she doesn't know what she'd so without me. And how she has no friends. Her life is hell and it's my depression doing it. My son and daughter tell similar stories (but less intense).

All that 'saved' me that first time was, in the peace I found when I was sure I was going to die in a few minutes, I wanted to call my wife and say sorry. I can not help thinking, if I'd died then, when she was 40, by now she'd have a new life. I know there's never complete healing for the family after a suicide, but it can come close. I know that for sure because my father killed himself when I was17. I can't help thinking, if I hadn't made that call, my family would have been spared 10 really bad years. Instead of an old injury slowly healing me breeding alive is a festering wound.

I know that there is still some hope for my recovery. But it's a slim hope. I must have been on at least 20 medications, I've had years of therapy. They've helped somewhat, sometimes. But not enough. I don't want to live through the time it'll take to get well even if the tide turns here and I start to really get better. But after all this time and effort the chances are I won't ever fully recover if at all. For me, it's not worth the cost. But there's my family to think about. But there's the rub. Even though I'm trying to go on for them, I think I'm doing them more harm than good. Statistically, there's a pretty good chance suicide will get me in the end. And if it doesn't, the nightmare just goes on for them.

I'm convinced, it'd be better for them for me to die now than for this to go on another ten years. It'd give them a chance to heal instead of continuing drag them down into my cesspool.

But I'm depressed, sometimes I miss things when I'm like this. Have I missed something?

T

 

Hi Mytime,
I am so sorry this is happening, my family have told me to kill myself or I should be put down. So I really do understand, medication did not help me. I have very bad days/periods and want to die. However I think of my cats and how they wouldn't cope, they alone often save me. I have my hobbies, and that brings me joy. I don't care about my family as they don't love me, I was an unwanted baby at birth.
You are not making your families lives hell, they need to support you and encourage you kindly to do things you enjoy. Can you have a family holiday together and have a nice time? You are poorly like any illness. Have you tried combination therapy? For some ECT is offered and it does help. You need to be honest with your mental health team, so they can help you. It's hard with family as it does upset them, however you need support. Try posting about your feelings on here so we can offer support and help you in those rough times.
You are in despair right now and things look hopeless, they aren't. You are so right you do have hope, please hang onto that. Please don't worry about me, I just wanted you to know I do understand.
Take care
Kate

 

Hi mytime.

I may say some things that you don't necessarily agree with or want to hear. That said, I'll try and help.

Do you remember what exactly you felt when you were 17 with your father doing what he did? If so, would you want your children to feel that?

It also sounds to me, like your wife and kids are trying to guilt trip you instead of being supportive. If they have no friends, i'm not sure that's your depression doing that, it's more likely that they are focusing more on the prospect of losing you instead of setting aside a bit of time for themselves to get lost (in the nicer sense) in their hobbies and interests, meeting like-minded people along the way. Their own choices can lead to these things, and yet they seem to want to have 'something to lay the blame on' - (for want of a better phrase I'm not sure I can find one) - so they target your depression.

With therapy and medication, some people can find the right support/right medication within the first few times of trying. With you that seems to have not happened, or not happened at a rate you would find beneficial. Below is a supportive thread that I noted from another member on here - with an insight into what took them a fair number of years to get through regarding their own therapy and medication issues. It may be helpful.

http://www.suicideforum.com/showthr...d-depression&p=1382682&highlight=#post1382682

Also - as Mayflower7 has pointed out, honesty with mental health team can also be effective. Going into everything rather than selected parts, gives the therapist (over time), a better insight into you as a person, and the support offered often reflects that. There have been examples where people don't open up properly and claim therapists don't help - yet they've helped from what they've been given to work with.

It may be more worthwhile posting a bit more on here, and getting feedback from others, as I suspect your fathers death has had more of an impact than you would readily acknowledge to relative strangers.

If you get the chance and are in a better frame of mind, do browse the "Loved and Lost" subforum under "Emotional Support" - The impacts of losing loved ones can be a lot more than what depression would have an individual believe.

Hope this helps in some way. If not - I apologise.