My depression, my life...

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by YouWillBeHappy, Jun 30, 2007.

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  1. I'm going to tell you right away that I'm not poor, I have a family that supports me, I have friends who want to hang out all the time, people usually enjoy talking to me and girls always tell me how beautiful I am.
    I've had no major crisis, in fact... if I think about all the people around the world, past and present... almost everyone has had their life a lot harder than me.

    I'm 18 years old, going in to a 2nd year of university for an economics degree (I don't even need to support myself financially).
    I've always been a mathematical/logical thinker. I actually enjoy learning... philosophy, economics, psychology, sociology, anthropology... I look forward to going to class.
    I grew up around people of all races and cultures (I'm from the Greater Toronto Area). Up until I was about 15 I had a large social network and always seemed to have fun.
    I guess it was around this age that I began diverging from what I consider the 'cultural' way of thinking.

    I've never had a girlfriend... but I've had plenty of opportunity. The truth is there's something seriously wrong with me. I never show weakness. I don't trust anyone, I have no faith in anyone. I want to love people, I want to be intimate with others but I can't. Fear of intimacy. When someone tries to get close to me, even in the slightest way... I turn insecure, I can't trust anyone and feel vulnerable. Even when I was younger, there were small things I'd do. For instance, I'd almost never invite people anywhere. I'd always just wait till I got invited and go out somewhere else. If I called someone once or twice I'd have to wait until they called me otherwise I'd come across as a desperate loser. So I never got very close to anyone, really.

    I know my fear of intimacy stems from my mother having borderline personality disorder... but that doesn't really matter so I won't get into it.

    Now I'm starting to realize my fear of intimacy and trying to overcome it. But when I talk to people, when I try to bond with them... I can't because I don't like them. Everyone is so concerned about themselves, completely self-absorbed and it's like they can't step outside of their own head. It's like they're brainwashed by our culture and will never be able to look outside of it. When someone likes me it's always for the wrong reasons. For example if they like me just because I'm coming across as cool.

    I have no friends that I like. I have no family that I like. And of course, I'm lonely. It's like there's no one out there compatible with me.

    And so my mind slips into dark thoughts. My own suicide... how I'll do it, where I'll do it and what the notes I leave behind will say. These are all every day thoughts of mine.
    I survived first university by going to class and listening to music. I'm still alive now because I've set long-term goals for myself (eg. working out, improving my health, learning guitar). These goals give me hope for the future and a reason to live on. But I'm still so lonely. I'm awaiting the day that special someone will come along and end all my problems... my one problem... my loneliness.

    If the loneliness doesn't end soon... suicide is only logical.

    If you relate to anything I said or find yourself in a similar situation, please talk to me. Any comment is appreciated. I wish everyone could just be happy.

    thanks
     
  2. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member


    hon,

    welcome to the forum.

    you would not believe how much i can relate to you on several things. i am white dove and i would like to be your friend. feel free to pm me anytime and see just how much we can relate to each other.

    i will not bite i promise though my wings may get in the way a time or two but i am sure it will not hurt you might just tickle you
     
  3. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    (I cut out some parts.) :smile:

    Hey, first off, welcome to SF. :hug:

    Heh..That part there sounds exactly like me, to be honest..Anyways, if you ever need to talk or whatever, feel free to PM me. :smile:
     
  4. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the forum, if you ever need to talk about anything or need a friend you are always welcome to contact me anytime. Take care. :hug:
     
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF. I can relate to some of the things you mentioned. I am one that has trouble initiating contact as well. People often take this as I don't want to talk with them, but that is not it at all. I hope you are able to make a few friends here and maybe get over some of the issues you mentioned. We are a very friendly supportive group of people. Take care. I hope to see you around the forum. :hug:
     
  6. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    welcome to SF hun :hug:
     
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