My Depression Story

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Five18, Sep 21, 2012.

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  1. Five18

    Five18 New Member

    Hello, I would like to share my story with you.

    I feel depressed the last 2-3 years...I don't like my self and sometimes I also want to die. There was a Girl I love for around 3 years now. Before 3 years I didn't even know her,but I fell in love, and now, before 1 year we came closer, we started to talk, even that made me happy and helped me to get away from that depression, things got better and better, we came very close, sometimes we called each other "Heart" , I was so happy but I was too shy and scared to ask her to be my girlfriend, I was not afraid to ask her, but afraid what will be the answer, At first I don't wanted to tell her so soon, because "acting" like she is my GF was really good...I was happy again :). But all my friends were telling me I should try and that its 100% that shes gonna say Yes, and I believed them. Well I asked her, and the answer was No. I fall in depression...Again, and it was the worst this time, its not only that she rejected me, it was more because she didn't gave me a chance to show her how much I love her, but anyway I've got more reasons for my depression, just like, my family doesn't have money,I'm too tall and people always tell me that, I feel dumb and actually I really think I'm really dumb :( , these reasons are not worth crying, but every time something bad happens to me, I think about everything else that went wrong and instantly my crush comes to my mind, which makes me sad and crying, shes not the only reason for that, but I feel like shes the only cure. At first I had some hope that sometimes,maybe, it can become true, but as time goes my hope fades.My best friend was telling me to hold on and it will work, he was there for me, he cared, but now, no one believes in me, and he also doesn't care what will happen to me, I feel alone. Sometimes I catch myself smiling, and I ask my self "What reason do I have to Smile?", I don't want to be happy for no reason.Everyone is telling me that brighter days will come...still waiting for them. I just cant take it like this, we were so close and now I can't see her without breaking out in tears.Once she made me feel like I really mean something to someone.I never thought It would hurt so much to lose someone I never really had. You know...shes different, never knew a girl like her, so beautiful, so smart, so interesting, and so good, I can't name anyone else that is so "good-hearted" like her, for me, shes perfect. I hope We will get together somehow... even if I can't see a logic scenario how, but I still believe/hope it will happen somehow.My heart is not broken,my heart is just damaged a lot, If my heart is broken that I would be death, but as long as there is hope, my heart won't break. If you read this please don't tell me to stop believing, to stop trying, and to give up on her, I won't listen and I would just make me cry even more...once I told myself that I'll make her to love me, and If I die regretting the time I've lost, than I do so, shes worth it. Its nice to talk with someone about this, I can't even talk to my friends or family for this, because they will see me as a worthless creature. I'm not a person who gives up on life, I try to give the best of me, and do whatever it takes to get what I need to be happy...but the more I believe and try, the more It hurts when I fail. I remember the times how we went together with friends to the Tavern, and how she was sitting next to me, every time I looked at her she smiled at me, I was happy because when she smiled, even for a moment I knew that I crossed her mind, we were always drinking beer and sometimes tea, because It was close to winter and cold. Today I was out with my friends In a pub, haven't drunk beer for a while, but this time I did, and it remind me of her...every time I think about her and the time I had with her, a deep wound opens again, but the worst of all is that I don't even want to close it... I want her to close the wound. I don't know what I'm gonna do to myself if I see her with another one, and I'm sure that day will come,and I'm afraid of it... but I know that there is no one out there that loves her more than I do, I'm sure about this! I never cut my wrist, I don't even know how , maybe because I'm too dumb to....but sometimes I hit myself, like every time I feel angry or sad I hit my head with all I've got, just to get rid of this anger and pain. When I was young crying was a choice, but now it seems like its the only opinion.All I've been talking happened around 8 months ago, 23 November 2011 to be exactly, that was the day when she rejected me and everything went down... you may think that I'm too young for depression, that she isn't worth that and that there are a lot of girls out there, but I can't explain the feeling, before some days I was reading the stuff we were talking about, before 23 November on Facebook, and every time I'm reading that I feel so happy until I think about how it ended, i'ts a change of emotions, once I'm happy for the past and than I cry for the presence. I feel sorry for me, I don't want to feel worthless, ugly and stupid, and I want to stop being depressed all the time, thinking of suicide or weep myself in sleep.Everyone was telling me that I'ts 100% sure she also likes me, and I believed them, its so hard to be sure about something and than it goes out that i'ts not true. I'ts not because I don't have her now, it's because she didn't even gave me a chance... I don't care how long the relation would be, it could last even 2 weeks, its enough, I feel like I must have her to be free.It makes me so sad that everything is start I can't finish it, When I think about the past, I can barely see a period (except September-November 2011) where I'm happy.
    People expect for me to be happy and they tell me to be happy, they don't even see how wounded I'm in the inside, but whenever I put up my happy facade it just end up by getting hurt again.
    I don't know what I'm gonna make when I see her with another one, everyone seems to move forward... and In the end I'm still so lonely.

    Sorry for the long post and I also want to apologize for my grammar and the bad English.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 21, 2012
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Don't be sorry hun it is hard losing someone to someone else. I hope you can get you out more join some groups activities to meet a new person ok. Only you can make you happy hun No one else can do that. IPerhaps talk with your doctor or a councillor and see what supports there are out there for you to help you move forward too hugs
     
  3. Five18

    Five18 New Member

    thanks for the helpful words, I'm happy that someone took the time to read my story and try to help me.
     
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