My Depression

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kennroe, Jul 3, 2007.

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  1. kennroe

    kennroe Staff Alumni

    Dont really know where to start and its taken me a lot of guts to make this thread as i know ive always given the impression that im ok when im far from it, some people will be suprised by this, you know who you are, you have my number, ring me anytime.

    Ive been depressed now for around 24-30 months and ive never sought any professional help or treatment for it until recently, ive always put on a brave face and made everyone think im perfectly fine when in fact im far from it.

    Ill start back around April time when i felt my depression getting worse again and i started having suicidal feelings again, the depression never actually went away or got any better i just tried to turn a blind eye to it like i do with problems that come my way, i always think theyll go away on there own.

    Anyway, went to the doctors and basically blubbed my eyes out (bear in mind im a 28 yr old male) and discussed my issues with her, she was really nice but unfortunately was going on maternity leave soon so i had to see another doctor who is equally as nice.

    I was started (april) on 20mg Fluoxetine a day for 2 weeks then it was upped to 40mg per day, at first i thought it was helping but looking back now it seems it was just some placebo effect.

    So all was good until the last few days when i really have sunk the lowest ive ever been, my thoughts have changed from considering suicide to actually wanting to do it just to get rid of the constant heartache, stress and anxiety i feel every waking hour, it was only last night i was pulled away from a bridge i had climbed over the railing to by my ex partner, twice to be honest, this bridge is about 100 foot up and is nothing but concrete at the bottom (motorway)

    I didnt even feel relieved or thankful she stopped me, all i could think about was that i was such a coward to not go through with it and how i wish i had just caught my foot or something on the railing so it would have been taken out of my hands.

    Went back to the doctors this morning and had my meds changed to 20mg citalopram a day and was also put in touch with a mental health team? who from whats been said ill have to go and see every day :huh:

    When i first started taking the meds i tried to be honest to my mum and dad (i live alone) but all i got was "any excuse to not get a job and be idle" so i left it as that until today when i tried talking to my dad again and got:

    "its because your idle and dont want to work"
    "a job would solve all your problems"
    "your mum would be in tears if she could see you now"
    "im getting depressed from just looking at you"

    Very supportive eh?

    I really am at the end of the road here and from what my doctor said this morning ive "hit rock bottom", im so sick of having to deal with this all alone and not have anyone to talk to, i know people on here listen and thats appreciated but not what i mean, why cant someone just hold me why i cry my fking eyes out about everything, rub my back etc... and tell me theyll stand by me, work through it and that everything will be ok? is that really too much to ask for?

    I always have to deal with this crap on my own and thats my fault, ive never done anything but put a brave face on and say "im ok" and now because of that i feel so isolated and uncared for, im even struggling to hang on to 10 am tomorrow morning when i have my first visit to the mental health clinic.

    Sorry for the long rant

    Fk knows what to do, wish id jumped. :awww:
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 3, 2007
  2. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    :hug: You don't have to put on the brave face with me hun. I probably won't be of much help these next few weeks as I'm in a similar bad way myself, but I'll do what I can to help you.
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Kenroe, I am glad you finally decided to open up to us here. I know how difficult that must have been. It is hard to admit we are struggling. It took a great deal of courage. Thank you. I hope you continue to post here. I am also glad you finally decided to seek help. I hope they can get you on the path toward feeling better about things. I wish your parents would be more supportive of you. You do need a support system from somewhere. SF is a good place to start. You have many friends that would stand behind you and help out as you need it. If you have hit rock bottom then there is only one way to go and that is up. I am sorry i cannot be there in person to give you the comfort you need. I will do whatever I can to help you through though. Feel free to PM me anytime. No need for faces or masks. Be who you are and let your feelings out. Talking about them does help in some ways. You have made the first step, continue on from there. I am glad your ex-partner was there. What a terrible waste or a fantastic person had she not pulled you back. Please take care and stay safe. You, my friend, are an important person. :hug:
  4. Beret

    Beret Staff Alumni

    Im so sorry hun youve the feeling to have hit rock bottom. Really hope the visit to the mental health clinic will keep you somewhat stable. Unfortunately it usually takes four to six weeks till the anti depressants really kick in, but i hope you continue taking them and take all the help offered. Im sure it took you a lot of strength to post this, but we are here to listen. Hopefully you will feel better soon and feel free to drop m a pm. Hope you wont end up, where ive been when i hit rock bottom with all my countless suicide attempts. Please stay strong and know you can count with me anytime. :hug:
    Your friend,
  5. kennroe

    kennroe Staff Alumni

    I was taking Fluoxetine for around 8 weeks, 2 weeks on 20mg and 6 weeks on 40mg and did start to think they were making some difference placebo effect or not.

    But as usual as soon as i start sorting stuff out a whole new load kicks me back down again, its like whatever i try i cant get out of this hole ive dug for myself.

    But as ive just said to robin (and thanks for calling me) its my own fault for always telling people im ok when theyve asked and he knows what im like with that only too well, god knows hes tried plenty of times.

    Im quite willing to give this mental health thingy-ma-bob (yes thats a proper word) a try but i still see it as a last effort, what i really need and want is some way whether its a switch or pill that will instantly make all this hurt and everything else i feel inside dissapear.

    But of course, we know thats not going to happen.

    The scariest part of all this is that when ive felt and tried suicide before (twice) it was consciously and i put thought into it whereas now i start acting on it without thinking and its scary as hell to realise your like that.
  6. Robin

    Robin Guest

    I too am glad you've come forward, not just to us and your drs but your family too, something I have never been able to do. I know how desperate you must feel to tell everyone how you are really feeling, I know only too well how you keep things bottled up inside, trying to cope with them as best you can but as you've come to realise, as many of us do, that sometimes we cannot be one man police squads of our own minds, sometimes we need a little backup even if it's just someone to watch our 6 when we go into a dark place. Just wanted you to know that I will try and watch your 6 anytime I know you're in a dark place. I know it's a big joke about how much I sleep and I know it's hard to wake me even, but if you need a friend, give my mobile a call a few times and I will call you back, none of your friends here want you to go through this alone, least of all me :hug:
  7. hun :hug: my gorgeous hun :hug:

    I'm glad you posted. You always sound so ok - and tho I know sometimes u aren't - u still have said u are :hug: I'm so darned proud of u - for reaching out. Its difficult. I know it is. I am here if u want me at all. I can't say more - but I mean it :hug:


  8. kennroe

    kennroe Staff Alumni

    I know people are genuinely concerned and interested but as other people have said, im not one to share my issues, im really not and i wish i found it easier to be honest when people ask :sad:

    All i ever think when people ask me "how are you" is a simple "shit, but youve got your own issues, mine pale in comparison" and end up just replying with a "fine thanks, you?"

    I guess ive sort of convinced myself that no ones interested and yes, that is my fault for always saying the above, i hold my hand up to that.
  9. :hug:

    I don't really write much on SF - so - I can promise that I am interested and DO care about u a lot :hug:

    I think that a problem is a problem. What may be small to one person is big to another. What is big to one person may be small to another. There is never any way to rank or order problems - they are exactly as the word suggests - problems.

    You make a big difference to people when u talk to them. You are very special. You have a talent in that when u speak to someone they feel like they are suddenly really important, and whts more u have wisdom. I've always guessed that wisdom isn't learned - its from experiences. So even when u say u're ok - its therefore clear sometimes ur not.... (ok - I'm getting confusing...) But at the end of the day - perhaps its ur turn to receive. Although things are so bad - I promise u there's a way through. I'm sorry - not great at putting into words - but support and friends can be important - and isolating from that can be hard :hug: Am here for u.
  10. texasangel

    texasangel New Member

    I can completely understand the "brave face" and how everyone thinks everything is ok. At work I'm known as the "perky" one and always "happy". I'm constantly thinking that people have absolutely no clue what is going on in my head, they have no clue who I am and how much I'm hurting and that I pray every night to just not wake up the next morning. I actually for the first time yesterday tried to reach out to my mother to let her know how bad it was and she said she had to go because her best friend was calling.

    The good thing about this forum, is that we are all here suffering some sort of depression that is very real to all of us. If ya ever just need an ear, don't hesitate to contact me as I'm a very good listener and it also helps me in a big way to know that there's someone out there that knows what I'm going through, the least I could do to return the favor is listen.

    Good luck with the new docs/meds and please keep us all informed on how you're doing.
  11. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    I felt moved by your thread which you were so brave in writing.I have rarely come across a post on SF that has touched me to a similar level but it seems you are now beginning to reach out to us and for that i am very glad.Take it at your own pace hun ok?But please know your friends are here and i hope things start to improve for you soon and that you find the mental health team helpful too.Well done again.Here for you - anytime.Take care.kath
  12. kennroe

    kennroe Staff Alumni

    Well that was pointless, all she did was ask a few questions, take a few notes and send me back to my GP with them, no offer of support or anything like that.

    Figured on my way back id pass by my ex-girfriends place (only an ex around 10 days) to say sorry about the other night and to let her know how i had gone on.

    She wouldnt let me in and was very reluctant to come out and talk due to her having male company who she tried to insist was only a friend.

    So nice to feel so easily replaceable. :sad:

    Yet another great day, excellent.
  13. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    I know how it feels to be "replaced" so quickly (my ex had pretty much "replaced" me before he split up with me), so :hug: to you for that.

    Hopefully the GP will be able to make something of the notes, and will know what sort of treatment and support might benefit you from that.

    Other than that, I'm not sure what to say. I wish I could actually help :hug:
  14. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I understand how that is too. My ex (supposedly working out of town) was living with someone else before we split. He remarried 2 days after our divorce was final. Talk about being replaced. :dry: I am going to tell you that you can never be replaced kennroe. There is only one you, and that you is a pretty fantastic person. I am sorry the mental health person didn't offer more help than she did. I do not know how your system works in the UK, it sounds quite a bit different than the US. I hope your GP can offer you more support. Remember you have many friends here willing to support you as well. You do not have to go through this alone. Take care hun. You will remain in my thoughts. :hug:
  15. ey oop

    Just sending you big public huggles :hug: :hug: :tongue:
  16. kennroe

    kennroe Staff Alumni

    Well still no further really.

    Doctor doubled my meds from 20mg a day to 40mg but im still feeling all that crap every waking hour :sad:

  17. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :hug: I know it's hard to be patient, but remember the meds take time to work. Even the change in dosages. Hang in there. We can give you all the hugs you need. Sorry they can't be in person :(.
    :grouphug: :arms: :hug: :hug:
  18. kennroe

    kennroe Staff Alumni

    Well, when i say getting no better i mean i still cant shift these feelings inside of me. there still torture.

    But what i do know is that if it wasnt for 2 certain people on this forum ringing and texting me at all hours id probably have gone out to see my ex to try and talk, i might have gone out and done something stupid with myself as its when im bored with nothing to do or when im laid in bed trying to sleep it gets the worst.

    Thankfully i have those 2 keeping my mind occupied and its a good job i get unlimited texts :tongue:

    Dont get me wrong, all the pm's ive received and replys to this thread are all appreciated but obviously when im out walking or laid in bed i dont have my pc with me and as i said, thats when my mind wanders the most.

    Guess like others have said, ill just have to wait and see what the change of meds do for me but its still torture every waking hour with the heartache, stress and anxiety, i still find it hard to see myself better and happy due to things always going wrong no matter what i try, guess its a rut i need to try and get off. :sad:
  19. Robin

    Robin Guest

    I agree with gentlelady, things can change, just maybe not as soon as we'd like them. I know the NHS can be slow to move and the healthcare isn't always first class but it can help in the long run, it's just so darn frustrating to be suffering in the mean time.

    I know you prefer someone there with you to chat to but I'm lousy at that, but I do ok on the phone, anytime you need a friend you have my number, just give me a bell :)
  20. hun :hug:

    you know where I am :hug: I know things are hard. I care about you loads :hug: you will get through this - patience right now must be very hard - but am here for you :hug:

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