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My despair...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kurai, Dec 19, 2011.

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  1. Kurai

    Kurai Active Member

    I don't really know how to start this post... I don't want to die, well not exactly. Death isn't something that appeals to me. I don't want to be snuffed out like a candle or whatever happens... But things have reached a point where I'm just tired... A lot of junk has happened to me in my life that colour my present and my future, most of it my fault. I want a reset, a chance to start all over from the start. Yet it's also more than that... There's no one reason why my thoughts keep moving to suicide. :(

    When I was younger I was extroverted, made new friends within minutes of being in a new place and if I didn't then I'd seek out people to make friends with. I was always the leader with the huge imagination, I'd create new worlds filled with high fantasy in the drab London suburbs and would lead my friends on adventures into these worlds. I was happy, I could see the underlying magic of the world. Then in 2001, for no reason I can think of, I just suddenly caved inwards. I can't explain it. At first my ability to communicate just began to dwindle, its like something inside of me began building walls. All the thoughts would be there but the moment I tried to articulate anything I'd just forget everything I was thinking and have to struggle to grab at even basic topics to talk about. This however did not affect my ability to write out my thoughts and I sort solace in writing. I managed to gain a few new friends before my parents suddenly announced that we were leaving the country. It didn't really faze me conciously, I was even excited about it. But after the move I began to get severe nightmares and anxiety attacks plagued me during the day. I found it even harder to communicate than ever before and I seemed to be on a downward spiral. :(

    I began to fail at school and had to transfer a number of times. I'd be struck by a terrible lethargy which was too much to resist. I felt horrible when people told me to just snap out of it and if I told them I couldn't they'd just call me lazy. Not even my parents understood. I fought it, but I just ended up hurting myself in the process and left with feelings of guilt and failure.

    In my last school year my mom made some business plans which ended up backfiring and leaving us bankrupt. We lost our home to the bank but were allowed to stay until the end of the year. To top this all I discovered that my dad was in fact not my blood father and was forced into a struggle to extort money from my blood father and going through a blood test, I'm terrified of needles, and having him yell that I am not his son, which it was proven by the blood test that I was. I ended up breaking down and dropping out of school, which was fine with my parents as it meant less to pay.

    I met my ex at this point, I thought she truly understood me... But she cheated on me, told me how bad I looked, refused me any form of physical affection (Even holding hands) and wanted me kept a secret from her family and friends for the first two years of our 5 year long relationship. After her parents found out about us I became more assertive in the relationship and things went reasonably well. We went on holiday together to the beach and things seemed good but I was mostly blind due to the fact that I was, and still am, deeply in love with her. In our fifth year I began to notice everything that she was doing that hurt me and I was forced to break up with her out of the sheer amount of emotional abuse being lobbed my way. After about a month of not talking to her she calls me up one day to tell me how shes got a new boyfriend and that she'd be giving away the $400 saphire necklace I got her for her prom. This tore me a wound that I can't even begin to understand. It shouldn't hurt as bad as it does but it does.

    It was then that I lost my entire family, one way or another. My dad moved back to the UK, my mom with lung cancer, my dogs to new homes and myself left homeless and drifting without qualifications...

    I don't know if I should be so hopeless... Maybe my situation isn't as bad as some. But I am regardless.

    I crave some form of supernatural however I can't follow a religion. I hate a world without some form of the supernatural and one of the reasons I often consider suicide is just to see what happens.

    I have insomnia which can sometimes leave me sleepless for over a week, longest was 3 weeks with no sleep (not including falling into open eyed automata). Sleeping pills have no affect on me.

    I have been on anti depressants but they have so far augmented my suicidal thinking without helping the depression at all.

    I tend to slip into fantasy a lot and end up feeling horrible when I return to find the world not what it was in my mind.

    I believe that I am handsome, though I'm not narcissistic about it. Though my shyness tends to make it hard to date.

    Being around any large amount of people makes my back begin to hurt and my body temperature to rise as well as feelings of anxiety.

    I'm really lost. :'( At the moment it isn't so much as a case of "I want to kill myself!", rather it is a case of "I don't want to live!". I need any help, any at all from someone who can understand what I am feeling. :'(

    Edit: Also I don't drink alcohol AT ALL nor do I do any drugs. My mother was an alcoholic and her alcoholic tantrums had her throwing knives at me. That put me off alcohol for the rest of my life, no ways I'd end up like her. She also smoked like a chimney and I hated the smell. It was horrible! I was born six weeks premature due to her smoking. My hearing isn't that great and I'm allergic to a myriad of things :(
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 19, 2011
  2. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    hello Kurai.. had lots on your plate for too long now.. thanks for letting us inside the doings of your life in this thread.. it is ok for you to just be you here on this website.. we will not judge , or jump to conclusions or try hard to force us down your throat.. do you have any mental health professionals in your life now??? say this cause it might benefit to have this for yourself some now..

    keep talking on here... welcome sir..tc, Jim
  3. Kurai

    Kurai Active Member

    I did have but the first one betrayed me in order to help my mother extort money from my biological father and the second one put me on medication that caused me to have a suicidal breakdown which cost me my job as an intern at a lawyers firm. :(
  4. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Kurai so sorry your experiences with mental health persons have gone so bad for you so far.. all can think to say is that most of them do not do that..
  5. Kurai

    Kurai Active Member

    The worst isn't that my life is so bad, it actually hurts to think that I don't really have much of a reason for feeling this way... Sure, I'm homeless and working in a dead end job with no family left but all that can be fixed with a bit of energy. What scares me most is that I just don't want to live anymore, not in this life at least. I'm tired of being me, tired of the world around me. I've just lost the will to live and I can't explain it without feeling guilty and thus becoming more depressed. :'(

    What's wrong with me?
  6. Belladonna

    Belladonna Well-Known Member

    I think you are being too hard on yourself. I feel suicidal and my life isn't as hard as yours.
  7. Kurai

    Kurai Active Member

    People keep telling me how my life isn't so bad and I end up feeling guilty because of it. It's a harsh cycle. :(

    Insomnia has kicked in again, looks like I won't be sleeping for a week or so. It actually ends up hurting. :'(
  8. Kurai

    Kurai Active Member

    Going on 3 days of no sleep now, my emotional defenses are starting to weaken. I've lost all sense of physical pain, it doesn't even attempt to compete to the agony within. It's funny really... I've tried killing myself before, maybe even God has tried offing me on more than one occasion. The failure to die was no real fault of my own... I didn't attempt it for attention or anything, I seriously tried to kill myself and my body just said "screw you!" to me. My first attempt was by swallowing a pack of 32 of the strongest sleeping pills I could find, they put me to sleep for half an hour before I woke up in my own puke with nothing but a mild headache. My second attempt was at hurling myself off a cliff, The cliff was at least 20m high. I hit the ground and suffered nothing but a dislocated shoulder which I had to then force back into its' socket so I could climb back up again. I've been struck by lightning twice and have had most of my blood vessels ruptured by purpura. I just won't die and I want to die and I don't want to die all at once. I just want out of this life! I want this shit to end! I want a new life right from the start. Everything is wrong and everything is going wrong! :'(
  9. Kurai

    Kurai Active Member

    Even if no one believes me, takes me seriously or cares. I just need to let it out. I'm feeling horrible. If it wasn't for the fact that I'm busy freeloading at the moment and don't want to cause even more hassle for the people I'm staying with, I'd have killed myself yesterday. No one is willing to listen or care, everyone blames me for how I feel. I keep crying out for help but no one ever listens. There's a secluded valley a few kilometres away from where I'm staying. Think that when I gain a bit more courage I'm going to end it there. I won't be found easily, if I'm found at all, so it won't be so much of a bother to the people I'm staying with. I can't see any hope. I've given up. I'm so tired, I want to sleep.
  10. Severijn

    Severijn Well-Known Member

    Not getting sleep is terrible. I too suffered of severe insomnia for some weeks... it destroyed me.

    Not getting sleep is making things much worse for you... I hope your insomnia goes away soon.

    What helped me when I felt really low was reading Self-Help books and doing exercise... they got my through tough times. Have you ever tried this?
  11. Kurai

    Kurai Active Member

    I have. Currently reading Anam Cara, just a spiritual help book and am searching the internet for ways to deal with how I feel. Researching into the Myers Briggs personality guide as well and trying to find answers based on that as well, I'm an INFP personality type. I get plenty of excercise and am quite fit. My only problem with excercise is that repitition tends to make me more depressed and I find it hard constantly coming up with new routines.
  12. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    After reading your entire post, all i can say Kurai is:

    1. Sorry for how your father treated you.
    2. sorry for how your girlfriend treated you. you should not even have dated this girl at the first sign of her not wanting you to meet her family and friends, but you loved her. i understand.
    3. Forgive your mum for throwing knives at you for she knew not what she did. I am saying this as a former alcoholic, (though i never got to that stage)
    4. I think you can still go out and get a certificate in a trade that you like. its not too late.
    5. you can pm me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 26, 2011
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