I wasn't really sure where to post this but seeing as I am not feeling too great with the news I have received, I think I will post it here. I don't really know where to start with this or what I will gain from posting this, maybe some understanding, maybe there's somebody out there who might know what I am going through right now. My fiance has not been feeling well for a little while. He has been getting these horrendous stomach cramps. He was getting them every now and again but would only last a day or so and would respond to tablets. But for the past two weeks he had been getting cramps so bad he couldn't move out of bed. He's also got a case of oral thrush which will not go away or respond to treatment, although it has gotten slightly better recently. He went to the minor injuries unit with his tummy pains and they asked him all sorts of questions and did some blood tests, including an HIV test. From what my fiance had been explaining to me I expected one set of his bloods to be abnormal, the amylase. They sent him home with some tablets to protect his tummy and some strong painkillers. To no avail these painkillers hardly touched his pain. A week later he got all his blood results back except the HIV test as it takes longer to come through and they were all fine. I was so relieved and I tried explaining to my fiance that it could be stress, as he's been stressing over me for the past few months and has an important exam coming up. So there I was thinking everything was ok and hunky dory in his department. Then on Wednesday night my fiance was texting me some strange things like "I don't want to lose you" and "Please don't leave me", so I replied to him basically telling him to stop being a silly sod and that of course I wouldn't leave him and that I love him so much. He said that he was going to go to A&E because his tummy was still giving him grief and that this time he was going to go with his mum. So I thought finally something might be done to help his pain. But nothing could prepare me for what I was about to find out. I knew as soon as I woke up on Thursday that it was going to be an awful day. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I just thought I was going to have a crashing down depressing mood. At placement it was stupidly busy and I was run off my feet, and nothing was going right at work but my mentor let me go early so I was pleased and I went to univeristy to attempt to start my assignments as this was the first time in a long while I felt I could function enough to start some assignments. My mum picked me up from university and I got home around 6.20pm. I just thought it was one of those Thursday feelings where you just want Friday to come and enjoy the weekend. As I got out of the car I turned round and I saw my fiances sister. I then saw my fiances mum, fiances mums partner and my fiance getting out of the car. I thought this was strange but I was hoping they were surprising me. Unfortunately not. I invited everyone into the house and made everyone a cup of tea. Everyone was admiring and fussing my cats. I hugged my fiance. He looked awful. He looked a very pale colour, with sunken eyes and like he's lost weight. He looked so sad. I knew something serious was up. I just wanted to know what. I sat next to him on the sofa and held his hand and my fiances mum was fussing one of my cats. Then my fiances sister said, "We've turned up on your door because we need to talk to you about something that has happened to Ben". My heart sunk and was beating at the rate of knotts. Then his mum started speaking. "Ben has been unwell for a while, and he's been having tests at the hospital. Unfortunately, Ben has HIV". I heard those words and everything else was a blur. I don't remember much else she said, except things I already knew about treatments etc and that I'd need to be tested. I just held Ben in my arms. He was distraught and sobbing his eyes out. I can't tell you how I felt. I was in a sort of catatonic state, but functioning, if that makes any sense. I had all sorts of thoughts running through my mind. How, why, what about me, what about the future prospect of children, how bad, how long, oh my god, oh my god I could have it, oh my god I can't believe this is happening, this is so surreal. All of these thoughts running through my mind continuously. It didn't sink in at all. Bens family left and he stayed. I rang up work and said I wouldn't be in the next day as I needed to get myself tested. I kind of acted like everything was normal. It didn't sink in at all. I didn't question him much on how he got it. He denies sleeping with anyone else and taking drugs, and I know if he had, now would be the time to admit it but he is strongly standing firm saying that is not the reason he has got HIV. He said he can only think of two ways he could have got it, but he didn't really think about it at the time. Two years ago I was meeting him and London and while he was walking through the London underground, a group of youths approached him and it seemed like they tried to take his iphone out of his pocket and he felt his wrist was sore. He had a scratch along his wrist and two small red dots, which we now think could have been needle marks. At the time we couldn't work out what had caused the scratches and I said it could have been a watch and we put it down to that. I wish I hadn't been so naive. I wish I had told him to get himself checked out and get the anti virals which can prevent HIV from forming. I am a student nurse, I should have known this. The only other thing Ben can think of is when he worked at Thorpe Park, a girl in the queue line had a massive nose bleed but he said he had no splashes in his eye or mouth. I am pretty sure it was the "mugging" on the underground that's done it. Friday I went to the GUM clinic to get myself tested. I brought Ben with me. I saw a girl that used to go to my university there and all I could think was "oh shit this is typical". I filled in the forms and waited to be seen. Eventually the doctor called me in. He was not very sympathetic or understanding, almost like he didn't believe us. He asked me if I wanted the full STD check and I denied, I'd not long had one as I get recurring thrush (sorry if TMI) and it was all clear. I knew Ben hadn't got HIV from being sleazy and this doctor couldn't understand why I didn't want it and started having a go at me. I said just give me the blood test I don't want anything else. I already felt bad and scared enough. Anyway one of the HIV counsellors came and talked to me before I went for the blood tests and booked an appointment to see her again in two weeks time for my results. She also did the finger prick blood test, which is just as accurate as a venous blood test and fortunately it came back negative for me. She was quite confident that my bloods should come back negative but said there was still the risk it could come back positive. She said that in 3 months time I would need to go back for the repeat tests. I was in such shock and disbelief. I had mentally prepared myself that I would test positive. Me and Ben haven't used condoms, ever. I was on the pill but came off it about 6 months ago and since then we used the withdrawal method. Mainly cause I am quite sensitive to latex and Ben hates condoms. I was so surprised I came back as negative. But the counsellor did say that it is actually quite hard to contract HIV from bodily fluids, more so than people think. She said it is possible and one of the main reasons why it spreads, but harder than people actually think. Saturday was the day it hit me most. Everytime I looked at Ben, all I could think was oh my god he has got HIV. I felt helpless. I felt useless. I should have protected him. I should have got him tested sooner. I wasn't even there for him when he found out. He was all alone. His housemates found out before me. I was the last to know. I should have been there. I hate not being closer to him. I hate being apart from him. I didn't know what to do, I still don't. I have all these thoughts going round my head all the time. I just can't believe this is happening to us. We are both only 20. Things like this don't happen to people like us. Just why? Ben told me today that his mum is surprised I have stuck with him. He said that she thought I would dump him because he's positive and I'm negative. That hurt me so much. Do people think I'm that shallow? My Ben is my life, I couldn't leave him now. Whether he had cheated, took drugs or was attacked I would stick by him no matter what. Everything in the past is so insignificant now. He needs me. I need him. I need to be strong. I need to be able to cope. I need to be able to get through this. I feel as thought I can't. I'm not coping. I'm still in so much shock and disbelief. It doesn't seem real, not any of it. I'm already quite weak mentally and now I have this to contend with. I need to find a way to cope. I don't know what I can do to help myself cope with this. I need to be strong for him. I want to die but it would be selfish of me to leave him on his own. He says I am the one thing he needs to get through this. I need to do this. I need to be strong. I know these days the medicines for HIV are excellent and he can live to an old man without any problems and HIV doesn't necessarily mean it will progress to AIDS. I know that there will be treatments so that one day me and Ben can have children. I know it isn't the end of the world. I guess I am just so shocked this is happening to us. I never thought in a million years Ben would get HIV. It's just at the minute he's in so much pain and it's killing me to see him in pain. But he can't get any antivirals until his CD4 counts have come back to see how bad it is and much it has progressed. I am just so upset and gutted for him. And I don't want him to go through this. I want to fix it like I normally do but I can't. I want this to go away but it won't. I'm worried about how he will cope when he's away from me. I should be there, but I can't be. He's there and I'm here. Oh gosh. How am I going to get through this?