My Devastating News

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Butterfly, May 15, 2011.

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  1. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I wasn't really sure where to post this but seeing as I am not feeling too great with the news I have received, I think I will post it here. I don't really know where to start with this or what I will gain from posting this, maybe some understanding, maybe there's somebody out there who might know what I am going through right now.

    My fiance has not been feeling well for a little while. He has been getting these horrendous stomach cramps. He was getting them every now and again but would only last a day or so and would respond to tablets. But for the past two weeks he had been getting cramps so bad he couldn't move out of bed. He's also got a case of oral thrush which will not go away or respond to treatment, although it has gotten slightly better recently. He went to the minor injuries unit with his tummy pains and they asked him all sorts of questions and did some blood tests, including an HIV test. From what my fiance had been explaining to me I expected one set of his bloods to be abnormal, the amylase. They sent him home with some tablets to protect his tummy and some strong painkillers. To no avail these painkillers hardly touched his pain.

    A week later he got all his blood results back except the HIV test as it takes longer to come through and they were all fine. I was so relieved and I tried explaining to my fiance that it could be stress, as he's been stressing over me for the past few months and has an important exam coming up. So there I was thinking everything was ok and hunky dory in his department. Then on Wednesday night my fiance was texting me some strange things like "I don't want to lose you" and "Please don't leave me", so I replied to him basically telling him to stop being a silly sod and that of course I wouldn't leave him and that I love him so much. He said that he was going to go to A&E because his tummy was still giving him grief and that this time he was going to go with his mum. So I thought finally something might be done to help his pain. But nothing could prepare me for what I was about to find out.

    I knew as soon as I woke up on Thursday that it was going to be an awful day. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I just thought I was going to have a crashing down depressing mood. At placement it was stupidly busy and I was run off my feet, and nothing was going right at work but my mentor let me go early so I was pleased and I went to univeristy to attempt to start my assignments as this was the first time in a long while I felt I could function enough to start some assignments. My mum picked me up from university and I got home around 6.20pm. I just thought it was one of those Thursday feelings where you just want Friday to come and enjoy the weekend. As I got out of the car I turned round and I saw my fiances sister. I then saw my fiances mum, fiances mums partner and my fiance getting out of the car. I thought this was strange but I was hoping they were surprising me. Unfortunately not.

    I invited everyone into the house and made everyone a cup of tea. Everyone was admiring and fussing my cats. I hugged my fiance. He looked awful. He looked a very pale colour, with sunken eyes and like he's lost weight. He looked so sad. I knew something serious was up. I just wanted to know what. I sat next to him on the sofa and held his hand and my fiances mum was fussing one of my cats. Then my fiances sister said, "We've turned up on your door because we need to talk to you about something that has happened to Ben". My heart sunk and was beating at the rate of knotts. Then his mum started speaking. "Ben has been unwell for a while, and he's been having tests at the hospital. Unfortunately, Ben has HIV". I heard those words and everything else was a blur. I don't remember much else she said, except things I already knew about treatments etc and that I'd need to be tested. I just held Ben in my arms. He was distraught and sobbing his eyes out. I can't tell you how I felt. I was in a sort of catatonic state, but functioning, if that makes any sense. I had all sorts of thoughts running through my mind. How, why, what about me, what about the future prospect of children, how bad, how long, oh my god, oh my god I could have it, oh my god I can't believe this is happening, this is so surreal. All of these thoughts running through my mind continuously. It didn't sink in at all. Bens family left and he stayed. I rang up work and said I wouldn't be in the next day as I needed to get myself tested. I kind of acted like everything was normal. It didn't sink in at all. I didn't question him much on how he got it. He denies sleeping with anyone else and taking drugs, and I know if he had, now would be the time to admit it but he is strongly standing firm saying that is not the reason he has got HIV. He said he can only think of two ways he could have got it, but he didn't really think about it at the time. Two years ago I was meeting him and London and while he was walking through the London underground, a group of youths approached him and it seemed like they tried to take his iphone out of his pocket and he felt his wrist was sore. He had a scratch along his wrist and two small red dots, which we now think could have been needle marks. At the time we couldn't work out what had caused the scratches and I said it could have been a watch and we put it down to that. I wish I hadn't been so naive. I wish I had told him to get himself checked out and get the anti virals which can prevent HIV from forming. I am a student nurse, I should have known this. The only other thing Ben can think of is when he worked at Thorpe Park, a girl in the queue line had a massive nose bleed but he said he had no splashes in his eye or mouth. I am pretty sure it was the "mugging" on the underground that's done it.

    Friday I went to the GUM clinic to get myself tested. I brought Ben with me. I saw a girl that used to go to my university there and all I could think was "oh shit this is typical". I filled in the forms and waited to be seen. Eventually the doctor called me in. He was not very sympathetic or understanding, almost like he didn't believe us. He asked me if I wanted the full STD check and I denied, I'd not long had one as I get recurring thrush (sorry if TMI) and it was all clear. I knew Ben hadn't got HIV from being sleazy and this doctor couldn't understand why I didn't want it and started having a go at me. I said just give me the blood test I don't want anything else. I already felt bad and scared enough. Anyway one of the HIV counsellors came and talked to me before I went for the blood tests and booked an appointment to see her again in two weeks time for my results. She also did the finger prick blood test, which is just as accurate as a venous blood test and fortunately it came back negative for me. She was quite confident that my bloods should come back negative but said there was still the risk it could come back positive. She said that in 3 months time I would need to go back for the repeat tests.

    I was in such shock and disbelief. I had mentally prepared myself that I would test positive. Me and Ben haven't used condoms, ever. I was on the pill but came off it about 6 months ago and since then we used the withdrawal method. Mainly cause I am quite sensitive to latex and Ben hates condoms. I was so surprised I came back as negative. But the counsellor did say that it is actually quite hard to contract HIV from bodily fluids, more so than people think. She said it is possible and one of the main reasons why it spreads, but harder than people actually think.

    Saturday was the day it hit me most. Everytime I looked at Ben, all I could think was oh my god he has got HIV. I felt helpless. I felt useless. I should have protected him. I should have got him tested sooner. I wasn't even there for him when he found out. He was all alone. His housemates found out before me. I was the last to know. I should have been there. I hate not being closer to him. I hate being apart from him. I didn't know what to do, I still don't. I have all these thoughts going round my head all the time. I just can't believe this is happening to us. We are both only 20. Things like this don't happen to people like us. Just why?

    Ben told me today that his mum is surprised I have stuck with him. He said that she thought I would dump him because he's positive and I'm negative. That hurt me so much. Do people think I'm that shallow? My Ben is my life, I couldn't leave him now. Whether he had cheated, took drugs or was attacked I would stick by him no matter what. Everything in the past is so insignificant now.

    He needs me. I need him. I need to be strong. I need to be able to cope. I need to be able to get through this. I feel as thought I can't. I'm not coping. I'm still in so much shock and disbelief. It doesn't seem real, not any of it. I'm already quite weak mentally and now I have this to contend with. I need to find a way to cope. I don't know what I can do to help myself cope with this. I need to be strong for him. I want to die but it would be selfish of me to leave him on his own. He says I am the one thing he needs to get through this. I need to do this. I need to be strong.

    I know these days the medicines for HIV are excellent and he can live to an old man without any problems and HIV doesn't necessarily mean it will progress to AIDS. I know that there will be treatments so that one day me and Ben can have children. I know it isn't the end of the world. I guess I am just so shocked this is happening to us. I never thought in a million years Ben would get HIV. It's just at the minute he's in so much pain and it's killing me to see him in pain. But he can't get any antivirals until his CD4 counts have come back to see how bad it is and much it has progressed. I am just so upset and gutted for him. And I don't want him to go through this. I want to fix it like I normally do but I can't. I want this to go away but it won't. I'm worried about how he will cope when he's away from me. I should be there, but I can't be. He's there and I'm here.

    Oh gosh. How am I going to get through this?
     
  2. Kaos General

    Kaos General Well-Known Member

    You need time to process it and accept it. Its exactly the same when i got told i had Hep C. It took me a long time to accept the fact that im gonna be ill for a very long time. The sooner you accept it the sooner you can get back to some degree of normalacy. Its also gonna test your relationship to the limit though, you need to be prepared for that as well.
     
  3. SashaJade

    SashaJade Well-Known Member

    Lexi, baby. I can't even begin to imagine the emotional turmoil you must be going through about this right now. I guess it's gonna be a case of stay strong and get through this together. Remember, sweetness, we're always here for you whenever you need us, we may not be able to physically help, but well, talking about it, getting all your pent up emotion out is a good help.

    You're in my prayers sweetheart.

    Take care.

    Lots of love.
     
  4. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Thank you for your reply Wayne. I think it will take me a little bit of time to just process what's going on. I know this is going to be testing but I have every faith we can get through this.



    Sam, thank you for your kind words hunni. I can't quite work out how I feel at the moment. I am just in so much shock. Shock doesn't even come close enough to describe how I feel. But thank you for your words, it means an awful lot to me. Big hugs xxxxxx
     
  5. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    Lexi,

    Sweetie I am so sorry that Ben has this virus. I am so sorry you also have to deal with the potential negative side affects of it. I am so sorry Ben's family didn't realize how strong your love for Ben is, and that they thought you might leave him. I will keep all of you, especially you and Ben in my prayers.

    People has often called me brave, but you are the one who is brave. I can't imagine how I would feel at age 35, and much less 15 years ago when I was 20 if I had the same news. Your courage inspires me, and I am sure it will others.

    Big :hug: for the both of you.
     
  6. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Thank you for your kind words Julia. I don't know if I am brave, but it's just going to be something I have to cope and live with. Big hugs to you :hug:
     
  7. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    My heart goes out to you. I can only relate because I was diagnosed with herpes when I was eighteen. My whole world crashed down around me, and I struggled with many different emotions for a long, long time. But you are right about one thing and that it isn't the end of the world. There is always hope, and understanding leads to the path of healing. I would look for spiritual enlightenment through a journey that only you can decide to make for yourself. You and Ben can both find hope, peace and healing this way. I know at first you may not want to seeing this situation feels unfair and uncalled for, but I assure you that there is hope and HEALING within that hope. I pray that you both seek it with all your might one day. Blessings..
     
  8. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I also want to applaud you for not ditching this man in his darkest hour. He did a wonderful job in picking you to be his partner for life. I admire your willingness to be the rock he needs in this sinking situation, but you are only human and I want you to know that it will be hard. Just remember that there is a rock you can both stand on. That one and only rock will help pull you both through when you both need it the most. I will pray for you both in this trying time. :hug:
     
  9. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Thank you Daphna. Those words mean an awful lot to me. I just have to take things a day at a time ay? Once again, thank you
     
  10. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Just want to thank you all again for your kind words. Helping me get through this :)
     
  11. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    so sorry butterfly, and you are both lucky to have each other, and you will both be tested to the limits. you need time to adjust to not only his diagnosis but your own. no way should you feel guilty for not being there, how could you know, maybe he protected you, it doesnt matter now, you have each other and as you say, HIV is not AIDS but will need certain adjustments and treatment is so successful these days. just take each day as it comes and just go on supporting each other. :hug: to you both
     
  12. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    It is devastating news - your life has been turned upside down with just a few words spoken.

    But you are a strong person and have come to the fore in this situation.

    To stand by your man at this time is a beautiful thing. It's selfless and whatever else happens your boyfriend has something which will give him strength with your support and love.

    As for having a child if one of he parents has aids - I'm sure there are ways and means. Perhaps if you went through a process like having eggs fertilised outside your body, by your husbands sperm. I know similar procedures are done on infertile couples plus those with a high likelihood of passing on some genetic trait we don't need.

    There are all manner of wonderful things in the way of help for you to have a child - and in the West, aids in not a disease or viral infection which has a high death toll. It does in Africa mainly because people live and play near open sewers, sanitation is non existent and they are living in extreme poverty which lowers the immune system due to a myriad of factors, including diet, access to clean water and so on.

    Your boyfriend, and yourself for that matter - should now be looking to eat a very healthy diet. This can literally make the difference with aids or any illness. You do not need to spend a fortune but your boyfriend will get help with the UK social security system, in particular, medical care and payments which should see him able to keep a roof over his head and enough cash to look after himself. The financial worry alone can be a burden, so I mention this and maybe its best to actually take steps to get this sorted out with the local DWP or job centre.

    You got a ton of things to look at - healthy living is not just eating your pasta and a light salad and drinking some filtered tap water. Your boyfriend will have to deal with his life being changed in his own head - come to terms with it. You can either think its the end of life - or see it as a chance to start anew. Hopefully with a good family behind him and a women who stuck by him he will be positive about this - realise that worse things can happen. He could have been diagnosed with some real fast cancer that takes you down in a few months and kills you for sure. With aids, who knows what medical advances will be made in the years to come? He has decades by today's prognosis on the illness.

    I wish him all the best - and I salute you and admire your bravery and your dedication to this man. Loyalty means everything to men - the fact you are loyal will be a Godsend indeed. Almost like God sent an angel to him - because in many ways it changes your life as much as it does his. Sometimes purpose comes to us in ways we would never wish - looking after loved ones, I'd embrace that responsibility despite everything. Sometimes, even if you are depressed, things like this tend to clear a lot of it away as a genuine concern kind of brushes aside former trivial worries we might have entertained.

    PS - snorting coke does pass on blood from one user to another if they use the same 'snorter' or the rolled up banknote to snort the coke.

    I also remember being told that Dublin had over 2000 incidents of people with needles using them for street robberies and so on. That was in the late 90s so it must have come to London or maybe went there from London. Anywhere there are addicts there are incidents with needle-stick injuries. Some sadly lead to aids.

    I got stuck with one myself - had the aids test and other tests but was OK as the needle was discarded, likely been there for days.

    IF you had reported this incident, there could a claim for criminal injury compensation also. Not much I know - but maybe a few thousand would fund a holiday for the two of you when things settle down into your new life.

    Its worth reporting now just to see if the police had anyone at the time who using that modus operandi in 'taxing' people of their belongings and money.

    My sincerest best wishes for you both - and its good to his family supporting him, but usually in the UK you'd expect that regardless. Nice to see though.

    God bless.
     
  13. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Hang in there girl; one day at a time is a great way to cope with this fresh issue. I know how hard it is but be grateful that you have one another. I couldn't imagine going through something like this all alone. My heart and prayers go to you and your man. :hug:
     
  14. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I'm not sure how we go about having children. I know it is possible, I think they do it with IVF these days. If one parents is positive and the other is negative. I know that a lot of his life is about to change. He has to go and see a dietician soon because he has just lost so much weight bless him. He will be starting his med regime on Tuesday when he has his appointment at the HIV clinic I think, as he gets all his blood results back so tey can see what meds are appropriate.
     
  15. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I believe they do a sperm wash when its the man who is HIV
     
  16. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Weight loss you say - I know it might sound rash but maybe some cannabis might help there. I know a few who have had illnesses, even cancer, and cannabis did actually help as it does cause some people to gain an appetite.

    If he is a smoker, he would likely suggest that. No other recreational drugs are much use - although it depends on person to person.

    Also, a good idea might be to get a juicer. I know these are costly, £80 or so - but if you are looking for a way to eat all the healthy stuff you won't eat otherwise - these kitchen utensils are a wonder and you'd be surpised how much juice you get out an apple, a few grapes and so on. Cheap fruit and veg is hard to eat. Nobody is going to eat 3 carrots, 4 apples and some grapes, a pear and a orange or two in a day. But I swear, when I eat that amount of raw fruit and veg juice, with lots of fibre, vitamins and goodies - I feel life itself coursing though my body. Its like a drug in itself.

    I guess you work around what he likes to eat also - can't al be celery and lettuce after all.

    Little things like a very clean living environment - change the sheets regular - I'd even freeze them, plus beat them also. Dust allergies and so on.

    You need support also - as brave as you are - I know that meeting with other women in your situation would be a real good thing. What I have learnt here is that someone has always been down the paths we are heading on. No matter what calamity has befallen you in life - just talking to someone who has been there too means a lot.

    You will find a lot of love out there.

    And we're all here for you any-time.
     
  17. abe6

    abe6 Member

    butterfly,

    you are an amazing and wonderful person for sticking by him. HIV is not the end of the world, I know someone who has lived with it nearly 20 years and lives a normal life. the treatments out there are very, very good
     
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