My diary (I <3 replies)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by baywasp, Apr 17, 2016.

  1. baywasp

    baywasp The crappiest rugger

    [So I decided to make this diary because I wasn't sure where to talk about all the little things I feel and minor things that happen without spamming threads. I don't know how often I'll write here, but as the title says, when I do, I'd enjoy it if people would reply (if they'd like.) If something big comes up or I start feeling severely suicidal, I probably make another thread. However, my feelings have been rather low-key of late.]

    I'm feeling down and kinda want to hurt myself, but it's not anything serious. I mean, I made myself bleed a little not too long ago by messing with the scabs covering the places where I'd minorly injured myself a few days ago and thought about making some new ones, but a crisis this isn't. Honestly this might be no more than boredom, loneliness and overthinking.

    I just keep thinking too much. Tonight I came to the conclusion that I should not be alive, that I was not meant to be on this earth. I'm not sure what made me think that, but it has stuck with me. I texted my friend (one of the two I've been torturing with talk of suicidal thoughts recently) about it, and he reassured me that I should be alive. I told him I had trouble believing him. Now I feel a little guilty about the disbelief somehow.

    I'll probably lie here and watch Netflix instead of sleeping. Like that's gonna make me feel better.
  2. Jackie Rue

    Jackie Rue New Member

    I feel like you. maby we are like the same person.
    baywasp likes this.
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Netflix is actually a great distraction, in the past week I have started using it and it puts me asleep every night, there are great documentaries on it but some are quite depressing (my type of thing lol). Please don't hurt yourself as you have probably heard a million and one times, it solves nothing. I hope you have decent day today, maybe fit some exercise into your day to help with the overthinking/boredom issue, it will help you sleep too :) *hugs*
    baywasp likes this.
  4. baywasp

    baywasp The crappiest rugger

    I'm the worst person and I know it. Maybe I should stop trying to talk to friends about my feelings because all I can do is hurt them. I was really bad with how I would talk to my friends because I really needed a lot of help. IIRC I would say things like "I think I might kill myself" or that I was worthless, until my one friend (the one I mentioned earlier in this thread) told me over 2 years ago that I had to stop and that he wouldn't engage with me when I said stuff like that because he felt like I was being emotionally manipulative (which I don't think I was trying to be.) I can still say that I wanna die and stuff, and I feel like he's gotten a little lax with our agreement, but maybe he'll start being a tough about it again and get mad. (I know in my heart that's a ridiculous worry because he doesn't seem to get mad very often, at least not at me.)

    I told the other friend that I often confide in that I was worthless, and it just occurs to me how strong those words are. I usually feel really good when I'm able to talk to my friends about stuff, but now I just feel guilty. I feel like a shitty friend for the things I say and the way I feel. Btw, like with most of my friends, talking to these friends is very rarely something I am able to do face-to-face. The first one lives in Oregon and visits the Bay occasionally; I mostly text him. The second lives in Sweden and I met him for the first time when I went on a trip a few weeks ago.
  5. Jenumbra

    Jenumbra SF Supporter

    Hi baywasp, welcome to the forum, I'm also in the Bay Area. :) No need to judge yourself so harshly, you just need help. Depression can be difficult on relationships, some people can't emotionally handle it and dwelling on it can be draining which is why it's good to talk to a professional who is trained to handle it and help you. Are you seeing a professional? There is probably free counseling service at your school. I like to be open and honest with my friends about how I'm feeling but also move onto other subjects and do other stuff.
    baywasp likes this.
  6. baywasp

    baywasp The crappiest rugger

    Thanks. Yes, I have a therapist that I go see at my health clinic. He and I were just talking about how I need more support right now. He's trying to help me find a support group to replace the one I went to a while ago that I stopped being able to attend because of my evening French class. If we can't find a group that works, I'll probably start seeing him twice a week instead of just once. I'm hoping my insurance will cover that though.
    Jenumbra likes this.
  7. baywasp

    baywasp The crappiest rugger

    (Ok, realizing the way I'm talking about my friends isn't working. I'll use their first initials from now on. Friend in Oregon is M, aforementioned friend in Sweden is K, and my best friend will have to be BFF since her first name starts with K as well. I think most of my other friends have different first initials, and I'll introduce them if needed.)
    I don't know what's going on with my feelings for M. I love him as a friend, but I could kinda see myself loving him in a different way even though I'm pretty sure I don't. He has a devoted long-term girlfriend and is straight as far as I know, so I wouldn't get very far anyway. I want to be able to say "I love you" to him, similar to how I feel with most of my friends, but I don't know if he'd get it.

    I feel very close to him, but that could be a result of how much of my thoughts and feelings I've confided in him. I tell him so much, and he doesn't really reciprocate. I think that's just how he's comfortable being, but it's difficult to avoid feeling hurt sometimes. Tonight I just saw on his girlfriend's Facebook that he's leaving for a trip soon, a seemingly big trip on which I'm not sure how long he'll be gone or how accessible he'll be. I hate to admit it, but I was kind of a little angry that I didn't hear it from him first, though he's under no obligation to tell me. At the same time, I'm somehow a little jealous of his girlfriend, even though she's also a friend of mine and I like her a lot. Am I just clingy or what? These thoughts even brought up some suicidal feelings.

    And I kind of thought I might be in love with K when I first came home from meeting him. I think just because I've never really been in love and I was wishing he'd be in love with me. But here's something I wrote not long after leaving him:

    "I see you in everything now and i dont know what it means. I used to have the words to try and understand how I am feeling right now but the further I get from you the more they just seem to slip away. I want to love you deeply, yet I’m pretty sure you don’t feel the same so I can’t let myself get lost in it. It’s just an idea I like the idea. Idea idea I can’t let it be real."

    I don't know what to think.
    Rebreb likes this.
  8. baywasp

    baywasp The crappiest rugger

    I feel really awful, partly because of this and also just because that's how I've been feeling. I feel like I need attention. too, and I'm just not getting it. I feel guilty for wanting attention because people always paint that as a bad thing.

    I finally got in to see my psychiatrist. Probably should have done that a while ago. He referred me to get a lithium level and some other blood tests related to checking for medication side effects or possible physiological causes for my depression. I doubt there'll be any, unless my hypothyroidism has gotten worse. He really wants to avoid putting me on an antidepressant for fear of making me manic, but he says Wellbutrin is a possibility and less likely to have that effect. Maybe these feelings will go away before something like that is necessary.
  9. baywasp

    baywasp The crappiest rugger

    I'm almost 23 and I still don't think I fit in anywhere. And I think the blame is all on me. I hung out with a group probably approaching 10 people. A few were friends of varying degrees of closeness, but many were strangers to me. We decided to go to the park at around 9pm. About 5 of us were jamming on guitars and similar instruments. Some people were sitting there talking. I just sat alone and left suddenly without telling anyone why. I'm a pathetic coward. Feels pretty awful.

    But I potentially have good news: this, I have been told, should happen as scheduled. Plus I got an encouraging letter from my friend M, in which he also stated that he'll be in California soon and wants to see me. So that's pretty cool.

    Unfortunately, I haven't gotten those blood tests. Jury duty got in the way of doing it Tuesday, I was too tired to do it Wednesday, I forgot to start fasting on time Wednesday evening so Thursday was out of the question, and I didn't take my lithium at the proper time this evening so I can't do it tomorrow either. Oh well, next week is more chances. Not seeing my psych for a bit anyway.
  10. baywasp

    baywasp The crappiest rugger

    I know there's a section for self harm but I feel better putting this here. I really, really want to cut myself right now. I still have the *methods* I bought a while back. Just haven't gotten around to returning them. I was thinking of asking the night desk clerk to take them from me, but the first time I intended to do this, I chickened out before I even went downstairs, and the second time, she wasn't there. (This is housing for young adults with mental illness, so it wouldn't be too weird a request.)

    I don't think I'm going to give them to her, but I don't know if I'm going to use them either. I'm not sure how effective these are at cutting; I've never really used them before, at least not new ones. I don't know where I'd cut either. Despite, or perhaps because of, all this uncertainty, I'm terrified. There's no one I can talk to right now. It feels like I'm going to throw up. Dunno why I'm this scared about a simple urge to self harm except I want to cut deeper than usual and who knows what that could lead to?

    Oh well, think I'm going to go shower then distract myself by trying to work on a paper that I should have started a long time ago. If I can focus on that rather than hurting myself. I have no idea.
  11. baywasp

    baywasp The crappiest rugger

    I'm not sure how long after my last post this happened, but unfortunately I did end up cutting myself a little not too long after making it. It was pretty minor, but still happened. I'm going to give my implements to my therapist on Friday so I can't do it anymore. Should probably be fine until then.

    The good news is that I finally got blood drawn for those blood tests. I'm seeing my psychiatrist in about a week; he should have the results by then. I'm kind of hoping it'll be a thyroid problem that's causing my depression right now because that seems like an easier fix. I don't know.

    The end of the semester is tearing me apart. I feel like I'm falling apart, breaking into a thousand pieces. Somehow I can't find motivation even though I have every reason to want to do well to maintain my GPA for my scholarship at my new school I'm transferring to. Maybe it's just the depression. I hope this is temporary because I really want to enjoy myself when I head to my new school.
  12. baywasp

    baywasp The crappiest rugger

    I saw my psychiatrist last Thursday. Turns out my thyroid hormone levels were a bit low, so he adjusted my medication accordingly. I'm really hoping that's what's been affecting my mood and energy/motivation levels. He told me I could start pepping up in a few days. I also got to see my friend M and his girlfriend today, as I reported in another thread. They are staying over an hour away but got tickets to a baseball game, so they stopped over to see me and took me out for lunch.

    I kind of feel numb to the end of the semester now. I have an exam tomorrow evening and Tuesday morning, as well as a performance and various stuff due for Wednesday. Really, I should be freaking out, but since I've finished my psychology papers I feel pretty ok. Well, guess I need to work a little on memorization for my performance...

    Then Friday, less than a week away, I'm going to Amsterdam for a little less then a week. After that, a week of relaxation-- maybe a concert and perhaps a baseball game (the tickets are pretty damn expensive though). I'm having surgery the week after that, and then, after 6 weeks recovery time, I'm headed off to my new school in Pittsburgh, PA. I'm moving at the end of July sometime, and school starts a month later.

    I can't believe how much I have going on in my life right now. Guess I'm excited, but I'm really nervous too.
  13. Fading_Awayy

    Fading_Awayy SF Supporter

    hope you do well on your exams! and have fun in Amsterdam , good luck on everything it seems like alot of stuff but it sounds very exciting it's normal to be nervous but everything will go great hopefully :)
    baywasp likes this.
  14. baywasp

    baywasp The crappiest rugger

    It's really been a while since I've written here in my diary. I mostly write in it when I'm feeling bad, and I've been feeling pretty good. Almost everything I talked about went well. I screwed up on my monologue for acting but still got an A in the class. I got two B's and 3 A's, which I guess I'm mostly happy with. Amsterdam, the concert, and the game were all great, and I've been talking about my daily recovery from my successful surgery in Jim's Cafe.

    I still feel like I have a lot going on. Maybe not many things I'm doing, but big things. I have to figure out the loan I need for school (a small one, but I haven't had to do that before at all, so I don't quite know what I need to do.) Plus I need to work on finding housing for Pittsburgh. I have a list of places within my budget that are listed on Craigslist; I just have to start contacting people about it, which is something else I haven't had to do yet. I also am thinking of getting a tattoo (in a few weeks) as long as I can find a studio that will accept my surgeon's words that it is ok for me to get one 6 weeks post-op. It would have to be the day before I leave because I want to get it here rather than in Pittsburgh. The tattoo would be something like my avatar (without the red background) and also the word Capitals underneath it or Let's Go Caps surrounding it or something. This part is the least important though.
    calvinandhobbs and Fading_Awayy like this.
  15. baywasp

    baywasp The crappiest rugger

    My move to Pittsburgh is a little over a week away. I'm so freaked out. I don't have anything set up really. I'm so stressed about it I feel sick. I took a break from pursuing housing because I had one that was promising, but he hasn't been in contact with me since my Skype interview so I don't know if I got it. I have no idea where I'm going to be staying for the short or long term. I'm not positive where I'd be going for healthcare. I don't even know what I'm going to do with all my stuff. I just have no clue and I'm scared.
    calvinandhobbs likes this.
  16. calvinandhobbs

    calvinandhobbs Well-Known Member

    Justin Schultz ... Know him... His mom is my friend. :). For what it's worth ... I'm so proud of you!!! Hugs
    baywasp likes this.
  17. baywasp

    baywasp The crappiest rugger

    I might have gotten a short-term (a little less than one month) lease in Pittsburgh starting August 1. It was just posted recently and I jumped on it. I don't think anybody else messaged him, at least not yet. I feel really awkward about this whole thing though.
    I'm not positive where I'll be going for healthcare, but I know what the small list of possibilities contains.
  18. baywasp

    baywasp The crappiest rugger

    I didn't get the lease. Not feeling good about this move at all. Besides the cheap motel outside of the city I booked for 5 nights, I've got nowhere to go. And I miss my family. Even though I'm moving much closer to them (same state, even), I probably won't get to see them, at least not that much. My father doesn't want to see me, for reasons I don't feel like discussing. So that rules out me coming to visit and staying with my parents. I guess my mom could come and visit me... I would like to see my sister too. I wanna say I'd give anything to be back together peacefully with my family, but I wouldn't give up my shot at happiness, which I think is what it'd take.
    Fading_Awayy likes this.
  19. baywasp

    baywasp The crappiest rugger

    Decided to update this months after the last post. I'm now mostly situated nicely in Pittsburgh. At least as far as housing. I'm getting there with healthcare. I have an appointment on Thursday with my new primary care provider, but I just need to assign her to be my PCP on my insurance which I can't do until the day of my appointment. Guess I was lucky (?) that that very day is the day my insurance starts. No one was telling me anything about my insurance and the mail I was supposed to get never came, so I wasn't able to deal with some of that stuff. I'm still waiting to hear back about outpatient treatment for mental health. Apparently they just dumped me on some wait list when the intensive outpatient program I mentioned before didn't work out. At least that's what I've heard. So I could run out of my psych meds before I get in to see anybody. It's like they don't even care about keeping you out of the hospital. I just got myself kind of angry thinking of that.

    I'm also stressed about school. I got myself way behind in one of my classes because it's just so stupid I can't care about it. I think I still have one more day to withdraw from it, but I am not optimistic about that. Now I'm behind in my other classes too because of my hospital stay. And I'm just so lonely. Sometimes it feels like nobody cares. I have actual friends, but I don't see any of them, especially not over school breaks. Then some live all over the country and even the world. If I had a friend nearby that I knew would appreciate me making the effort to actually see them, I'd totally do it. It should be obvious by the way I talk about how I feel that I would appreciate someone else making the effort for me. Yet no one does. There's only one guy who's asked if I'd like to hang out, and that hopefully will happen, but I wasn't able to get in touch with him until break due to being in the hospital. Do I just not matter enough for my friends to want to see me? I can't figure it out. Maybe they're just waiting for me to ask, but that's something I don't feel I'll be able to do.
  20. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    What about talking to your pharmacy or primary care provider.