my Discusting worthless life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by shane33401, Mar 22, 2015.

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  1. shane33401

    shane33401 Member

    hey guys i'm 20 years old and ever since i moved to cape town south africa when i was 9 until now im 20 my life has been a misery i first lived at my uncle with my mother and my granny i was abused and bullied at school all the time i was molested at school my uncle used to hit me with a belt and he even stabbed me through my hand and i had to be rushed to hospital i was only 9 when i was about 12 i couldn't take it any more i began to turn suicidal so i went to go stay with my father in joburg i remember i was young and i didn't wana go but i knew i had to so i just went i remember the jurney and i slept i woke up in the middle of the night and we were at a gararge and i started crying but silently so no body heard i lived in joburg for 6 months then moved to stanton a small town in joburg cause we had no where to stay and my mom phoned a pastor to take us in my dad started fighting with the pastor and stuff i went to school in stanton and again i was up rooted i felt that i wasn't wanted i tried to run away i called my mom she phoned the cops and i was told that they would get me a plain ticket back i did not tell my father at this point in 3 months time i was told that i have a flight back to cape town so i went back my father started to cry and tell me he didn't wana go but i didn't wana live in the condition i was living in so i didn't say anything i just got on the plain and left when i got back i was 13 years old i started getting abused again by my uncle got in a school was abused then i couldn't even work properly at school cause of all the problems that went on at home so we moved out but lots of people even my own family used to tell me that i am worthless and i'm a nobody they told me that so many times i started believing it so even though i was home schooled i only did till grade 9 and i went to collage studies IT but the problems were still there my mom could not afford to pay for collage anymore so i didn't do my exams now im stuck with out matrik and no qualifications and i blame them all for it i just feel that no body cares the other day i came home with my uncle they locked me out of my house it was at night then i went to my uncles house to sleep there cause i had no where else to go he said that i should get out and he doesn't know where i'm gonna go but i'm not sleeping there so i went out side in the cold with NO JACKET and i just slept on the street and they were quite happy to let me live on the street now my mother has a boyfriend and he doesn't like me he would say bad stuff to me force me to get off the couch try and take control of my stuff and my life and he didn't even work so my mom told him she doesnt feel right living with him cause they not married yet and she also wants him to find a job so friday morning he tells my mother his gonna go stay by his mom and one person that will be happy i'm gone is Shane meaning me so the night my mother came home she started blaming me for him leaving and stuff yet it was her that did it so i asked he does she want me to leave she didn't answer me so she left and went somewhere for 2 days i don't know where she came back sunday afternoon and told me she is leaving me she packed her things and moved out and said that i'm on my own and she is not coming back and im already hurt from all those years and everyday im not happy with my life she starts blaming me for chasing him away when i didn's :( so i was thinking of killing my self today [mod edit - method] or something because i have no idea how i am gonna get out of this one i'm totaly screwed and i am only 20 and my 21st birthday is on the 9th of april and i must go through it with this now i really don't wana live no more im so tired of the pain nearly all my life ive had pain and im reaching near the end ive been doing alot of research just too see maby i can find something that i worth living for but i cant i am a mess and i dont know if i can get out of this one i cant even find a job so now it looks like i am gonna be on the street :( my mother does not care and none of my family do either so the only option is suicide ive been really deppresed lately and i dont know what to do im praying but i fell that god does not exist as there is no answer today ive been crying for 4 houres ive used alot of toilet paper on my tears. so this is my story and i just want people that are going through this same problem or any other problem that they are not alone.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 22, 2015
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No life is worthless i am sorry you feel so alone but you are not you are here ok with people who understand your pain
    Hold on here for awhile stay here ok no one will judge you here.
     
  3. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    Your story is heartbreaking and your ending, in which you write that you hope it helps someone else, shows a very kind heart. I am so sorry to read what you have been through - you did not deserve such a childhood. No one does.

    Your life is neither worthless, nor disgusting. Victims of abuse often feel that way, but it simply isn't true. On top of that, you've got issues with parents abandoning you. Your feelings of self disgust and worthlessness are a reflection of the negative messages you received as a child from toxic people who had no business being in charge of you. They are at fault here, not you. Please remember that. Every child deserves to be treasured and nurtured and when they aren't, it has a terrible impact on their self image and self worth. Unfortunately, it is the messages we receive in childhood that are rooted most deeply and are the hardest to get rid of. It might help you to check out some internet sites on adult survivors of childhood abuse. Here's one I pulled up on google: http://www.havoca.org/ I know nothing about this group but offer it as a stepping stone from which you can start your own research. Talking to other abuse victims will be wonderfully helpful to you - they will understand and give you hope, as well.

    The internet can only help so much of course. You need concrete help closer to home. What are you doing for food and shelter? Is there someone who can help you find out about community resources where you can go for help? I wish I knew something about South Africa but I'm in the US and don't know what kinds of services are available at all.

    I was very sad to read about the way your mother just packed up and moved out. It sounds like you recognize that it wasn't your fault, but it still has to hurt deeply. I hope you can reconnect with her soon and work things out. It sounds like she has been on your side in the past so it might be this is just a temporary set back. Right now it strikes me that you could really use a hug.

    I think people facing homelessness and sudden upheaval in their lives often feel suicidal and hopeless. I know I have. i hope you will keep posting and reading here. You will find a lot of people who care and who can relate to what you feel.
     
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry that you feel that life is worthless. You are young and what happened to you was not your fault. You are a at very low ebb and YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS. Yes, life has been cruel to you but life is important and that includes you.

    When we find ourselves at our lowest point, we must find the inner strength to continue with living on a day by day basis. You have to be kinder to yourself.
    We all here understand you feelings and know what you are going through.

    You enjoy your birthday and be strong. I know it's hard but also seek group therapy which will help.

    Be safe and keep posting here.
     
  5. shane33401

    shane33401 Member

    thank you guys so much this what i have craving to talk to people that have had a bad life i was searching the internet for suicidal forums so that i could get help i am seeing a psychologist and i'm staying in the clinic for 3 weeks and im gonna be part of support groups and meet people that are having a bad life i wana help them aslo cause i know how it feels to be hurt i just wana help those people because i feel sorry for them because i know how it feels to be in enough pain to wana die i have tried suicide many times im still hurt and suicidal but i wana get better and there is a small part of me that still wants to live so i'm gonna try and get better hopefully i can and hopefully i help me people along the way also. i am a kind person i like to help people and see people smile so i have no idea why i have been wronged in my life i thank you guys for your support you really make me feel happy cause i never ever got that kind of support in my life before im really happy i don't know how else to explain it just by reading your guys words i am touched and made me cry cause i feel that there are people like me out there. thanks guys alot and i will try and help as many people as i can. again thank you you guys support means alot to me and you guys are the reason why i went to a psychologist thanks.
     
  6. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    shane33401, I was so happy to read your post. It sounds like you're in a really good place right now. Three weeks is long enough to actually do some good and the support groups will give you lots of feedback and insight from people who understand what it's like to feel suicidal. I think you're wonderful to want to help others in the same boat as yourself - it sounds like you have a big heart. I'm very glad your suicide attempts were unsuccessful - the world needs more caring people like you. I bet you are providing support to some of your fellow patients right now!

    You helped me - I was feeling kind of blue and then read this and was cheered up to see our words had made a difference.
     
  7. shane33401

    shane33401 Member

    Chestnutmay Thanks alot for your encouraging words your first post really felt like you knew what you were talking about cause everything you said was spot on and its like you knew me that's why i was crying when i read your post and the other peoples posts but you read me like a book and exactly what you said is what happened in my life.

    Thanks for your guys support you really made me feel a bit better but i still have alot of hurt inside and i think if i try and help people with the same problem my pain would go away slowly.

    i hope so its just too much this feeling of pain wasn't brought in one day its something that was developed over time and it just got worse and worse i'm trying my best to hold on to my life cause there is a small part of me that still wants to live and i have a slight doubt of death i just want to help people in this kinda problem or any other feelings that they might have as we are human and not machines we need to be cared for and i am only 20 but i feel like i'm 50 years old cause ive been carrying this bag of pain for like forever so i would like to help and talk to people that are going through trouble and i would like to tell them thats its no there fault and i would like to explain why its not there fault it would make me feel better if i could just make someone else feel better.
     
  8. Jinx_

    Jinx_ Member

    First of all, don’t ever let someone tell you you’re useless, because you’re not even close to that – you’re a great person, because many people wouldn’t be able to handle the things you’ve been through, but you keep holding on. You don’t deserve that. I’m so angry at your uncle for doing those horrible things to you, but you know – what goes around, comes around. The fact that you are trying to help other people with their problems shows that you are a very kind person and it’s not fair that bad stuff happen to the good people, it hurts me a lot. Wish you luck with the support group, I’m sure you’ll meet many people and you’ll help each other. Please, don’t give up, the world needs you.
     
  9. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    Hey shane33401, thanks for letting me know my words helped! I worry a bit about saying the wrong thing.

    You're absolutely right this pain won't go away quickly. The kinds of things you've been through do make us old before our time - it is no wonder you feel 30 years older than you are. Fortunately you actually are much younger and it will be easier for you to reprogram some of those negative messages you have about yourself than it would be if you really were 50. I'm actually older than that, and believe me, it is very hard work to get rid of self-destructive thought patterns after so long.

    I think you are a very strong caring person and admire you greatly for wanting to help others. Helping others helps ourselves. It also gives us an external focus which is good because otherwise it is all too easy to get caught up in our own internal pain.

    Looks like you've got a lot of supporters here! Keep writing and I hope things are going well at the clinic!
     
  10. shane33401

    shane33401 Member

    Thanks guys you really make me feel better i hope you guys get better also i wish i could help you guys the way you have helped me
     
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