My dream last night

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Shogun, Jun 2, 2008.

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  1. Shogun

    Shogun Well-Known Member

    This is gonna be a long thread, just an early warning. But I have to get this out even if no one reads it.

    My dream last night....

    I often have nightmares, but usually they're disaster nightmares such as mega storms ripping the world apart or huge terrorist attacks or Earth wide floods. Huge tornado's are my most frequent style of nightmare.

    Last night I dreamt I killed a baby. It was a very vague dream, but I think I remember it being my mothers new son or daughter, she left it with me and told me to look after it while she went out. I remember being pissed off by this so I stuck the baby in a shoe box with a bar of chocolate so it would have food to survive on and covered a small piece of cloth over the whole of it, closed the lid of the shoe box and stuck it away somewhere, in a cupboard I think.

    My mother came back a few days later and asked what I have done with her baby and I told her it's over there in the shoe box and she flipped out a bit and checked on it. I remember thinking to myself in the dream that she was overreacting and the baby would be alright because I left it the big bar of chocolate. Anyway, she screamed out that the baby was dead and I froze. I asked her if the baby was decomposing yet, that we could give it CPR and revive it and she showed me the baby and it was already starting to decompose and was bleeding too for some reason, that's when I woke up.

    Back to reality....

    I woke up from this dream about 11 hours ago, but I have been severely depressed ever since (even morso than usual.) It might not score high up on the nightmare scale, probably wouldn't even be considered a nightmare to some, but there was a meaning to it that I can't quite explain, it was sentimental.

    Last year I was seeing a woman and she became pregnant, I've never wanted kids because I consider myself extremely ugly and wouldn't wanna pass on the ugly gene. Even though the woman I was seeing was really beautiful, I panicked when she announced to me that she was pregnant. She didn't know what to do, on one hand she was 33 and she seemed obsessed with the likelihood of the baby being born with Downs Syndrome (apparantly women giving birth at 35 and over are more likely to birth babies with Downs Syndrome) and also we lived over 400 miles apart, but on the other hand she wanted another little brother or sister to her other kid and this would more than likely be her last chance. I knew for a fact that I didn't want her to keep the baby, but hid my feelings, I told her I would support her in any decision that she made and secretly I just hoped to God that she would decide against keeping it. But I would've kept to my word of standing by her. She decided to have an abortion and that was the end, but now after this dream I can't stop thinking about this. I always had the feeling that if I really wanted to, I could've convinced her to keep him/her. Our baby would've been about 6 months old if she'd decided to keep him/her. Obviously this isn't the first time I have thought about it, but it's really cutting me up now.

    I hate the feeling of knowing that I've killed something, I'm a good person and wouldn't hurt a fly without good reason. I certainly wouldn't kill something as defenseless as a baby and I know this was just a dream, but I feel so so guilty!

    Also, I have made a decision to commit suicide and I'm getting extremely close to the date of doing it and the method I'm choosing is almost 100% guarateed to work. It's a decision that I won't change, but I can't help thinking that this dream is trying to tell me something relating to my impending death. This is why I'm posting this in the suicide section of the site, because I truly believe this dream is a sign. In the dream I killed my mothers new baby.... In the dream my mother went out, neglecting the baby (my mother has neglected me all my life) and then was all pissed off and upset that I had killed it which shocked me in the dream.... I would be shocked if she'd be upset if/when I commit suicide.

    I feel sick to my stomach today!

    Anyway, if you've read through all that, congratulations, I don't think I would've. I need to get this out cause I have no one I can talk to about this stuff, I am so lonely. But just typing all this out has made me feel a bit better....
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 2, 2008
  2. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Shogun. I read every word of your post!! I know all about the vivid bad dreams. I was in the hospital a few months ago, in restraints, with six men and women holding me down. (I was told this a week later, when I came back to earth as we know it.) I still remember bits of the nightmares. They're no fun.

    Giving up a baby, either by abortion or for adoption, is a very difficult process. There are many emotions at play, even without your dream. And your dream is probably not surprising after your experience.

    It's my feeling that you were as supportive of your gf as you could be. You shouldn't take on undeserved guilt. I've done it all my life and have paid a big price in depression and suicide attempts. You were supportive and loving, and yes, you might have been able to get her to change her mind, but you didn't and possibly couldn't have.

    Working through undeserved guilt is hard work that takes time. I hope you find it easier than I have. Letting go of it is possible.

    You aren't guilty of murder, much as you feel the opposite. You sound like an intelligent, sensitive man who can work through that kind of thing, if you give yourself time.

    I hate having people try to stop me from suicide just as much as you do, but I've been able to promise myself to wait another day, sometimes a week, sometimes Christmas, Mom's birthday...whatever. You can find your own way of dealing with your feelings. Hang on.

    Jim
     
  3. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    It was just a dream. Maybe it wants to show you some sign, maybe not. You didnt kill anything, you were dreaming. I know dreams can be sentimental, especially if you are sentimental person. You are scared and unconfortable now, maybe you will be till the end of the day. It will pass, I hope soonest as possible. Try to think something else. Dreams can be weird and meaningless, think that your dream was like that, weird and meaningless, it might help you get over faster.
     
  4. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    I read your post.

    I beleive that dreams reflect what in on your mind at that time, often in unusual ways, but they tell the stories we already have in your mind.

    I think you are right in one sense, if you commit suicide you will be killing your mums baby. You will be taking away from her one of the most precious things in her life. Obviously i dont know the intricases of your relationship, but you are still her baby, she still carried you. Maybe she abandoned you and took you forn granted but deep down you obviously still know she loves you and that your death would hurt her. maybe that could keep you going?

    With regard to the abortion, you did not kill that baby. You did the most kind thing and you stuck by your partner and let her choose. You cant hate yourself for making the right choice for you at the time. Bringing a baby into the world which you cant cope with would of been the wrong choice.

    Maybe you could have a baby in the future? please reconsider your decision, and dont stop reaching out. People do care and they will read your posts :hug:
     
  5. Shogun

    Shogun Well-Known Member

    Thanx for your replies guys, I feel a lot better after having a nightmare-less nights sleep. Your kind words mean a lot to me, thank you all. :smile:
     
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am glad to hear you are feeling better after a restful night. Please do not lock yourself into suiciding. You are a wonderful person and I really do not want to see that you harmed yourself in that way. Leave yourself an out so you still have an option should you change your mind. :hug:
     
  7. silver76

    silver76 Active Member

    I know how you feel. Many may say it, I meen it. I tried to get my wife to abort the child she got pregant with after an affair. I was adament about it. We even split up after she had it. This happened off and on for a few years. I couldn't get over the affair. I resented the baby, unfairly. I loved it with everything i had. Seeing him every day was like a twisting knife.

    I even know how you feel about the dream. I had them many times even before the baby was born. We have many kids. At one point i was daydreaming about killing myself on an hourly basis. Into those daydreams crept thoughts of killing the kids too. This disturbed me very much. But while in the midst of these daydreams, I couldn't stop myself from thinking these things, and even liking the thought at times. More for the fact that the kids wouldn't have to grow up in a world as bad as ours is turning out to be. They wouldn't have to go through the daily pain of life. I sought help through my wife, meds, and many doctors. Vwala, now i only think about killing myself constantly. :biggrin: I love my kids, and my wife. I would never really hurt them, but the thoughts disturbed me very much.

    Others do feel your pain. Your not alone.
     
  8. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Sure glad you had a restful night. It does a lot to clear the mind.

    Just remember that whatever guilt you feel is undeserved. You're worth whatever work it takes to get rid of the negative feelings that are surfacing.

    Jim
     
  9. Shogun

    Shogun Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, sometimes I feel that my problems pale in comparison to others. It must be awful to have gone through what you have.

    Yeah, I think I know that deep down, it's just that dreams have always had a pretty big impact on me. Probably because I have nothing else to experience in life. I'll be ok. You hit the nail on the head earlier when you sensed that I'm sensitive, that's my main problem really, far too over sensitive.

    Anyhoo, thanx again all. :hug:
     
  10. silver76

    silver76 Active Member

    hey, didn't post to make you feel bad. Just wanted to let you know that others out here have been there, are there. k.:biggrin:
     
  11. Shogun

    Shogun Well-Known Member

    Oh I know. No problem buddy. :smile: I just really sympathize.
     
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