My dream.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Sardaukar, Nov 26, 2014.

  1. Sardaukar

    Sardaukar Well-Known Member

    I have a recurring dream, or rather it is the structure of the dream that recurs. In this dream I have the thing I have always wanted, I have desired nothing else but this particular object, thinking about it burns me, consumes me with unbridled desire. And within the structure of this dream, I obtain it. And it fills me with joy, I finally feel as if I am living and not simply existing.

    And then I wake up, and for a brief moment, I am unaware that it was simply a dream, and it is my reality.

    Of course, the realisation that it was just a dream hits me and the object of my desire is taken away. It's not a nightmare, waking up is the nightmare.

    The thing that I desire more than anything else, is companionship. Friendship. I have been alone since I was a child, and I am unable to rectify this.

    I will always be nothing more than a lonely child, sitting in the corner of the playground, watching the other children fit in and belong. I don't understand why I am incapable of forming relationships with people. I watch with envy as others effortlessly find friends and lovers, spouses and companions. But it is beyond me. I may as well wish to walk upon the surface of the sun.

    Nothing has changed, I am still as desperately alone as I was when I was a child, and then a teenager.

    And now, adrift, alone. I don't really mean much to anyone, least of all myself.

    The sheer, unadulterated horror of it all. It's difficult to explain the feeling that isolation fills you with, to people who are capable of belonging. They can't comprehend a lack of this.. ability.

    I am an atheist and I do not believe in any form of afterlife, once my vital functions cease my consciousness shall simply dissipate. But sometimes it feels as if I died long ago, and now, my spirit is trapped in some kind of hell.

    The hell of being alone.

    Of isolation.

    Having to watch everyone else succeed, and constantly have my attempts dashed to pieces, sandcastles at the mercy of the relentless waves.

    Proud towers reduced to slush.

    Nothing but slush.

    I wish I had the strength to put an end to my dreams forever.
  2. Marga

    Marga Active Member

    Hello Saudaukar, I understand. I know exactly how you feel. Being unable to connect with people is terrible. Everything is so empty and cold. I have the same issue. I have been trying and trying all my life and it never worked. I caught a glimpse of this ability once thanks to a person with whom I was capable of real feeling of belonging. But then he left me and it's the same now. So you are not alone in this issue. I know this is not of much help, but at least knowing that there is more people who suffer in the same way may make the pain less sharp. At least here in the forum you can "belong", although it's not the same of course. I know how difficult it is to keep on fighting, but it is still probably worth trying, maybe just for tha sake of trying. BTW the text on fear you attached to your post is really good, i like it a lot. Fingers crossed so that you can keep facing it like that.