I've always been a big dreamer when I sleep; I guess it could be because I've always had a very active imagination, but my dreams have always been very vivid, and very strange. Ever since I was very small, there has always been something somewhat traumatic occurring in them. Anyway, when I was around seventeen, they started getting even worse. They passed from being just strange dreams to flat-out nightmares. The worst one that I can remember is this one I had in which I was being held under water, I think it was a fountain of sorts, by this group of demonic-looking people. Their faces were all twisted and frightening, and I was being eviscerated, and I could feel everything that they were doing to me. Anyway, after that I've been having nightmares somewhat regularly, whenever it is I find that I can actually get my brain to shut up long enough for me to sleep. The nightmares I've had most frequently over the years, however, are ones in which people I love are always threatening to kill themselves, and even though they turn to me to change their minds and help them, I always fail, and they declare their hatred and disappointment in me right before the worst happens. Sometimes I don't have to see it happen, but other times... let's just say that my vivid imagination is a very good form of torture for me, and it usually can think up creative ways for people to die in my dreams. I thought I would bring this up because I awoke only about fifteen minutes ago from that sort of dream exactly, and because of what happened two months ago, I'm afraid I just can't take it lightly. I had a bad feeling the night Kenny did it, and I didn't listen to it because I was hoping it was just my imagination again. Anyway, I ended up sending a message to the friend about whom I dreamt, but it still doesn't make me feel any better. If I thought it would help, I would turn to dream analysis for some answers... but since I'm suicidal myself, I think it would just turn out that I'm projecting my wish to kill myself into my dreams. It has been what I've been thinking about more than anything else these last few weeks. Still, I only had three hours to sleep, and I'm exhausted, but I always feel scared after I have dreams like this, and I'm usually up for a really long time afterward. I don't remember the last time I've had a "good dream", by that I mean one where I don't wake up feeling afraid and alone. I guess I'm not safe from suicide in my sleep, either.