my eating disorder: extreme procrastination?

[Laughmore]

I surveyed the internet for people with a similar problem as mine and the resounding response I've seen (not on this site) is that the OP is seeking attention. They reason that since it's pathological, basically the main reason for posting would be sympathy seeking, since any decision to put food in one's mouth is their own. I will concede that I think there may be a shred of truth in that in my case, but it does little to help me understand how. This is the only place I'd post this.

I've learned to tolerate hunger, and I push through that pain like how one persists through the act of [insert method] when self harming, totally melted together with procrastination mechanics, and the same breed of neglect that has led to my decision (though it doesn't feel like one) to skip out on family trips, funerals, ignoring phone calls from old friends, dropping out of school, you name it. I've been underweight my whole life but the last few years has gotten much worse, as that feeling of a lumpy wooden box turning in my stomach is very normal now.

Getting food is harder than eating it. If pizza showed up on my doorstep, I'd weep for joy and devour it. Just like when you're depressed and un-showered for a week, you step in that hot water and wonder why you'd procrastinate such a wonderful feeling. Then another week goes by, you're smart enough not to complain to people about your own smell because that's ridiculous, right?

I have food-assistance money, and my car is (finally) legal so there's no tangible factors (I know of) stopping me from getting groceries. My fridge is full of spoiled groceries and it disappoints me from from getting more. I can't ask anybody what's wrong with me, but I need help forming some sort of strategy. I wear long or 3/4 sleeves and pants all year to avoid comments about my weight, as people in passing are only sensitive to people who are overweight. ("Yeah I know I should eat more. Now let me suggest a diet for you, since I'm worried you're getting too fat.")

I would trade my twigness for a dad-bod any day.

 

[Silverpuddle]

Is there something about not eating that feels gratifying to you? You used the self-harm analogy, so I'm wondering if you get some kind of emotional release from hunger, the way some people do from cutting or burning. If the answer is yes, then I'd say you have a true eating disorder. If it's more about not wanting to leave the house to go grocery shopping, or not wanting to go through the hassle of preparing food, then that sounds more like straight-up depression. I only ask because I'm trying to get a better handle on what's going on with you.

Also, I don't think there's anything ridiculous about what you're describing. I avoid grocery shopping and cooking too, because I hate the hassle, and would sometimes rather be hungry than bother. In my case I tend to order a lot of pizza, which has left me definitely-not-underweight.

 

[Paula Rose]

I have an eating disorder. No, nobody ( unless they have experienced similar or are living with something seemingly beyond their own control) will ever understand. It's illogical, it's often a strange irony I suppose, that it becomes a repetitive kind of cycle. It makes just existing in your own body a big frustration. A counselor once told me it's about needing to be in control of emotions, so, it's a bit hard to explain but, it's not that there is any gratification from the feeling that results from unusual eating habits, it's more of a wanting to be in control of "fixing" it . You are not alone with the feelings you wrote about.

 

[DrownedFishOnFire]

Its weird. For me I don't eat to get that high/buzz feeling as a form of SH and I don't think its an attention seeking thing IMO but priority is messed up when depressed. Food isn't the first thing for some people and first thing for others.