In the same day I am OK, actually even a little optimistic, and then absolutely hopeless and in despair. I feel guilty that I am no longer going to be living with my kids, that I didn't try harder to change so that I could keep my marriage together so they could grow up seeing what a marriage and a family should be like. I sometimes think they would have been better off if someone else had been their father, and I regret even being born. I hate myself so much for all that I have failed to give them. Then I worry about how I am going to pay the bills. How much money will I have each month? Some of it comes from my private contracting work, but that income is irregular, will it be enough to live off of? And I forget so many stupid things - what if I forget the bills? Or some of my professional credentials? I just found out today that I got my prescribing license renewal in the mail too late, and it expired before the renewal paperwork went through - this time my employer is able to work around the problem, but it just shows how easily I can screw things up. And then there is the fact that I went to confession on Saturday. I have been seeing this guy for years, and so he knows my marital situation. Well, I had to confess to some <ahem> private things, but I told him the situation, and how I was so distraught it might have contributed to my actions being a little more out of control. His response to my leaving the house was, "How hard did you really try to change to save the marriage?" Usually priests in the confessional have been very compassionate, but that just about killed me. I guess I'm done exploding for now - I am being called away for some work related tasks. Thanks for listening, everyone.