I hurt myself today To see if I still feel I focus on the pain The only thing that's real And you could have it all My empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurt I was thinking about something this morning. I don't usually think about cutters but for some reason it occurred to me. I wanted to maybe introduce you guys and gals to hiking. I realize that I don't go hiking because of health reasons, not in the physical sense of trying to. I go hiking because it's a form of, hmmm, maybe not self-mutilation, but self-abuse. It's damn hard. There's moments while hiking that I think I might pass out from heat exhaustion or die of a heart attack. My heart is thumping away, nose is dripping, I'm cussing, panting for breath, and soaked in sweat. It's pain and it's pain is to be loved. Climbing up an empire made of nothing but dirt. It's like those lyrics which I posted from the song Hurt by Trent Reznor (NIN). No one around to see me out there batshit nuts talking to myself, "You're STUPID!" I'll tell myself as I'm halfway up and feeling tortured, then I hike even harder and push myself that much more. "DUMB MOTHERFUCKER!" and I inch my way up some more. It's like I feel that I deserve the pain and it helps me to deal with my emotional pain in some way, I'm not sure how that mechanism works, but it does. And I've seen other people being mean to themselves in a similar way out on the trails, where they didn't realize that someone else was around to see (lol).....I mean, with the way that I feel, I'd have killed myself a month ago already, so this is pretty major that it can keep me around during these days. I wrote a place around here that takes troubled youth on hikes and I might be a hiking guide for them a couple days a month, if they'll let me. I hope that they call, but of course, they probably wont. But I just wanted to share with you what works for me, and I don't mean what works as in how it's healthy, I mean that it's more effective in the sense of self-mutilation than cutting is. And I'm at a point now where I catch myself rocking back and forth talking to people who are no longer with us, talking to myself about them and to angels that aren't there either, talking also to people who abused me during my past in one shape or another, I catch myself now often in those and pull myself out of those episodes. I'm not saying this for attention or because I think it's cool, far from it I never share it with anybody it's more degrading and humiliating than most might assume (because it's clear that when this starts happening, it's out of your control and your life is now truly over), but I am sharing that the pain in my life is at this point where it is so prevalent as to be overflowing, yet hiking works for me as a form of self-mutilation or self-abuse maybe. It's very fulfilling in that sense. And then when I'm done and at the top, I can look around at my Empire of Dirt. I purposely stay on the trails that don't have people so that I can have some peace for these moments. And, once you're able to hike up thousands of feet of elevation-gain, needless to say the views are very touching. It only took me a month of hiking before I was able to get about 2 or 3x as good. It's amazing how quickly the body adapts to inclines; It's only the first couple of times that are ridiculously hard. So, my two cents, maybe someone out there will find it as fulfilling as I have for those moments where I feel that I must self-abuse myself. Food for thought maybe. In fact I think I'll go on one right now. 4,500 ft of elevation-gain over the course of twenty miles. And as I limp my way down to the busy parking lot after I'm done, and I look at all the freaks in spandex wearing smiles on their faces, all these freaks that only come here to do a mile or two and try to enforce this into a social event, I will limp by them battered and inwardly-happy, without a motherfuck's care in the world, and sleep like a baby tonight.