My entire world is starting and I now I'm gay?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Gray, Dec 31, 2008.

  1. Gray

    Gray Member

    Hello everyone. I don't even have a clue where to begin... I don't post on here often, it's hard for me too. I never know how people are going to reply and it's normally not enough feed back anyway... But thats just an excuse, it's hard to drag this stuff out of me and most of the time I don't know how to deal with it, but "this time"... ugh. So much is going on right now, I knew all of this was going to happen sooner or later and I even sensed it all coming. I tried to prepare myself but things never go the way we think they will, for better or worse.

    So some of this makes since and you don't have to go back to my old posts; I'm 18, 19 on January 19, I'm a lonely and damaged guy with a lot of ambition, and here is the kicker thats got me... uh... confused? worried?... maybe a little freaked to be honest... hell I don't know what I am, it's even hard to type it. I'm gay... well bi.. I think... I don't know anymore.

    So you see I've been oppressed by my self absorbed, stupid, greedy, hypocrite family for my entire life, if you want to get in that pile of **** then read my old post... and anyway I'm finally moving out like I have planed for years, the catch is I'm kinda falling.. in.. love.. -sigh- :unsure: I figured it that something like this might be the catalyst that got me out of here but I never thought it would be like this. First off, he is a wonderful guy, and if things weren't complicated enough, I met him on the Internet. Yeah yeah I know what everyone is thinking there... but we have talked and spoken to each other for I think over two months now. Web cam, phone, pictures, myspace, and everything. We already know everything we need to know to see we are meant to be with each other. I'm moving in with him at HAWAII in a week or two. I figure if everything somehow backfires at least I'm in Hawaii heh?
    Worst case scenario is that we aren't meant to be in love and are just friends and we both realize this as a possibility and I'm pretty set and sure about this entire situation, there is just a few things really getting to me other then the big rush and change going on in my life.

    First off.. I'm a virgin :rolleyes:, but I don't care to much, and sure I feel lonely not having any real relationships other then a few small flings, but that doesn't have as much as to do with our relationship as you would think. It's making me a little panicked I guess (I don't know the right word). it's just that... well I'm the oldest person I know still a virgin first off and even though sex is something I see as what I would word as casual and it's still really weird that it's going to happen, and knowing that I'm going to do it with a guy? Can you blame me for being pretty stressed out? I mean I know I'm gay, or at least bi, it's been a part of me for a long time, it's just that I figured that if I ignored it long enough I would get used to not expressing or feeling it. Nobody I know would be able to except me for who I really am even if I never told them I was gay! But with that on the plate too, I.. I just don't think I can hold up any of these false relationships I've been trying to make for so long.

    On top of all of this, me and my dad have stopped talking pretty much permanently, we have had arguments in the past but I never came at him with a fire poker before. He didn't come over for Christmas, I wound up kicking him out of the house and wont even say goodbye to him before I move. He did drop off a card with some money in it that read, "I will always love you" but he can go F*** himself, I know he loves me but that doesn't change the fact that the arrogant old brain damaged bastard has made my life a waking hell.

    I thought it would help to get some of this out of me and down in words, and get some external thoughts so we'll see, I'll keep y'all up to date on what happens with my move and just how right the right decision was.

    sigh.. I have found someone and am out of here soon so I guess I might be done with my suicidal depression days, now it's on the to passably even more painful and awkward relationship phase. :huh:
  2. Rosenrot

    Rosenrot Forum Buddy

    Sometimes in life you just gotta take a chance.

    If you feel it was meant to be, and you're having troubles with your family back where you live maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to take that chance. Maybe he is the right guy for you. Maybe you'll in time accept who you are. You'll never know if you don't take that chance..
  3. Gray

    Gray Member

    I don't know what I'm doing... I always regret sharing these feelings, I hate myself... forget my last post, this is what I'm really scared of... He is already in a relationship.. in fact.. in his religion... he is already married... the thing is it's a complicated relationship for him, his boyfriend lives hundreds of miles away and there are reasons but they cant see each other more then a few times a year at this point, I think that will change soon though.

    They have a open relationship, being gone that long they said it's ok to have some sexual flings with other people and friends... but they both didn't think anything would get siereus... the thing is... I want that kind of relationship from him... I really love him and want to be there for him, but I could never attempt to get things complicated, I just want him happy. Whats even worse is I think he is starting to feel that way about me too. Right now we have a wild and random relationship.. something thats really fun, but I know it's only a matter of time before things get really complicated.

    And if I didn't feel guilty enough, I'm not sure he knows what he is getting into with me... there are always those stories of meeting people over the internet that turned out to be crazy... well in this case I think that IM the crazy one... I have problems and he is doing me such a unbelievable and incredible favor getting me out of here, but as much as we have in common and as much as I just wish we could be equal friends, I feel like I'm going to be a burden to him...

    Sure he has his quirks, hell if he wasn't a little crazy too I don't think we would get along half as well, but I feel like I'm lying to him... I wouldn't if I could help it, but I just put on a polished face every time we talk. I'm scared and not of him being freaked out by me, but of him just not loving me. Like I said, being alone is one thing, and I could have handled it, but losing him because of who I am scares me more then I thought anything ever could...
  4. Lennie

    Lennie Well-Known Member

    First off, I'd just like to say that at 19 you are still incredibly young and I get the impression that you are putting unfair pressure on yourself with regards to your sexuality, virginity and relationships. I came out as bi a few years ago, and didn't have sex with a guy or a girl until last year (At 20). I'm now pretty much a fully fledged gay guy. The point is that I know lots of guys and girls who were still virgins at your age, including me, and there's nothing wrong with that at all. Just because people you know have lost their virginity doesn't mean everybody your age has. There will be more who still have their virginity than you think.

    As for your sexuality, 18-19 is a tough period in the lives of people who are still figuring themselves out, so don't think you have to make any decisions now. I'm 21 and at your age I didn't know what the hell I was going to do, but things become clearer as time moves on. Someone people can accept that they are gay or bi quite easily. For others it can be a hard task, so from my experience I can just say give it time and don't think its wrong just because you haven't accepted it or come to a conclusion yet.

    As for your relationship with this guy, I can't say alot about that other than please be careful and make sure you are happy with any decisions you make by yourself or together.

    If you wanna talk more let me know, because I can see a lot of similarities between us and maybe my experiences can give you a different perspective on some things. :)