My Envy Demon

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Multiple Man, Apr 7, 2015.

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  1. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Im not alone in this body. My condition is incomprehensible. I dont have control of the car. I cant think properly, I cant control my emotions, I cant feel anything past deep sadness, fear, anxiety and profound envy.

    Envy is one of the 7 deadly sins. Very few things is condemned more in the bible. I sin every minute of my life then. I sin in my dreams. I reject God's premise of this world. I am green with envy and I cannot change it. It has no bottom. It is limitless. It causes most of my panic attacks and suicidal thoughts. It really is a deadly sin. It darkens the heart. Has turned me into a bitter and angry troll. But its hard for me not to. I look around me, and I just see so many people actually living. Everyone one I know is living, loving, married, have families or successful. And every time someone tells me about how their life is going, it grips me with anxiety and envy. I want to just hang up. I dont want to hear about how well life is treating you. Good for you. I have no value. I have nothing to be grateful of. I have nothing. I was literally born with nothing. I have no talent. No skill. Im unattractive. Physically sick. Mentally sick. Poor. Alone. I have nothing, but this chill in the air and this knot in my stomach, and the burning feeling from my nerves caused by this demon. Its hard not to compare. Its hard not to cry.

    God is a jealous God. I am a jealous man. I envy love. I see it all around me. Nothing is more precious. No emotion more powerful. My heart looks like a dying flower. There is no love inside. No one loves me. Nor do I love myself. I would never take it for granted. Ever. Loving someone. I cant imagine it. I dont want to. Cos it hurts too much. Whenever im out in public I try to look down so i cant see it. Couples embracing, holding hands, laughing, kissing. But curiosity kills the cat. And I always look up. My demon always find them. And shows it to me. No matter how far it is from me, it has the clarity of a high def tv and im just completely frozen and watch, listen, and envy. Then it comes. The pain, the grief, the anxiety, the panic. I have walked out of many grocery stores and movie theaters, just from the simple sight of someone laying their head on someone elses shoulder, or holding them around their waist. And it hits me like a chainsaw to the chest. And it stays there. That image, for days, weeks, and it tortures me. Thats what demons do, they torture. I will never know what its like waking up next to someone you love. What it feels like to embrace someone you love. Kissing someone you love. To stare into their eyes lovingly. Or to make love. I told someone before that you could give man everything, even Paradise, but if hes alone, he still has nothing. People tell me to go on vacations, but I dont. Theres no where to go, if I have to be alone. Standing on a beach somewhere just feeling lonely. Its like writing a book, and your the only one that reads it. What is the purpose of the experience if theres noone to experience it with you. Same thing with my life. There is no point of it, and no one wants to be a part of it. I dont think there is anything more special in life and I dont think a single person in the world should ever have to live without it. But then again, love wouldnt be so special if it wasnt for lonely, pathetic, losers like me pining and dreaming for it. The world needs loneliness so love can be meaningful.

    I envy beauty... Being ugly is a curse. People treat you like you have a flesh eating disease. Its like walking around with the Scarlet Letter. Im ashamed to walk around in public and I try to conceal myself as much as I can. People like me stand quietly in the corners of birthday and Christmas parties. Watching all the normal people socialize and share wonderful stories about their success and relationships while i stand here like a shadow. I have animosity towards my parents. My mother once told me she wish she never had me, and I cant think of a single person that has called me the word ugly more. I could have not existed indefinitely. Or maybe my soul would have entered a more genetically gifted body. I have animosity towards God. If he exists. God made me this way. Being in this body and wearing this face is like being condemned to some sick form of lifelong punishment. A life of reduced human value. I actually found out pretty quickly. It was the kids, way back in 1st grade. They threw rocks at me and called me names. The older I got the worse I look. Can you imagine what it would be like if you woke up and your entire face was burned, or you had a deformity, or skin disorder. Its a living nightmare. I have to look at myself in the mirror every day. People like me are often perceived as unintelligent, criminals, and unstable. We make less money, get hired less, and discriminated against more than any group of people in the world. And theres not gonna be a civil rights movement for my kind. Its not just perception, its human nature. I live within the laws of the world. There is nothing I can do to change it. Attractive people do better in life, have value, and have greater quality of life. Much greater. Due to years of validation from society. Acceptance. Special attention. Encouragement from peers telling them theyre so handsome or beautiful and they should be movie stars or models. And no one has more access to love and support. The most successful person in my family happens to be the most attractive and most liked. Mama's favorite, and daddy's little girl. No one ever called her ugly. Mama never said she wish she didnt have her. Ive been called many things but I think the worse thing someone has ever said to me is that I was the nicest guy they ever met. Yes, they thought I was the nicest person in the world. But that they just werent attracted to me. You have to be really butt f***ing ugly if your the nicest person someone has met, yet they still dont accept you. From that person on I have been convinced im unlovable. And ive been proven right. Im like the singer with the most beautiful voice but no one listens to my music because of my appearance..... God's perfect world. I hope heaven isnt this bad. If we couldnt see each others skin and were just souls floating around we would all be beautiful and all have love and attention. But then again, what would be beautiful then? A world where you couldnt differentiate between night and day, good and evil, beauty and ugliness. I was born for this specific reason. I dont hate them. I hate myself cos im not one of them. I envy them. Its not fair. The rules arent the same. Its not an even playing field. Theyre not better people. Theyre just better looking. Born with superior genes. Good for you, you won the lottery. There is nothing more personally important in life than loving yourself and have self confidence. With it, you will always have a chance. Without it, you wont have a chance in hell.

    I envy intelligence. I envy talent. I envy whites. I envy faith. I envy courage. I root for beautiful people to fail. But its like rooting for a mouse against an elephant. I even envy people who commit suicide. Cos, theyre free. Free from all of this. No more heart break no more loneliness, sickness or failure. No pain or sadness or worry. Just peace, rest, and a quiet undisturbed stillness. Perfect peace, forever. How sad is it, when you look to the graves for hope. How sad when your not looking forward to your marriage, or graduation, or first child, or birthday and holidays, but instead looking forward to your funeral. How sad life must be, when you even envy the dead.
  2. Koji

    Koji Well-Known Member

    i'm very sorry Multiple Man
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    What a touching post Multiple Man!! Honestly, it was linked through chat by someone because it's such a great post. You've worded how you are feeling very well. I am sorry you are going through this, I really am and if I could take away your pain I would. I have sinned too, envy of others. Keep strong and stay safe MM, you're unique to everyone else and no one can take that from you :)
  4. Bruces

    Bruces Well-Known Member

    Hi there,I know just how you feel I spend a lot of time looking at other people flourish in their careers and relationships,it makes me very envious too
  5. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Was hoping for a conversation but not surprised there probably arent many that can relate to this specifically. And thats probably a good thing. I am unique in the sense that no one knows just how I feel.
  6. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Sorry you feel youre ugly. There are so many others in the same boat. I am discriminated every freaking day and am always reminded I will never be equal to other people everytime I interact with the public. Even my family as well.

    Yes I can relate to you in some degree.

    Its your personality that affects your actions as well as their action towards you.

    My question is why does some ugly men get beautiful women? Im not talking about rich ones. Its all about personality and how many people out there have gotten rejected and kept trying again and again.
  7. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    I dont see alot of examples of that, i really dont. But thats my point, attractive people dont have to try again, and again, and again and again and again. They dont have to go through the murders row of having their self esteem and worth beaten into the ground time after time, just to get to that one maybe.
  8. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Thats harsh to judge beautiful people having it easy. They are also being judged by their peers. It is very hard to be beautiful. People no matter how they look, it is the same struggle, to fit in or be comfortable with themselves.

    You think it is easier to be beautiful? My answer is a huge resounding NO. There are beautiful people that has been told they were not good enough, there are people who starve themselves because they think it will make them beautiful, there are people who judge and pick on each other, because of clothes they wear. It is just as bad.

    Why be so hateful towards a person because of their looks when you are upset over being overlooked due to your looks?
  9. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    "Being beautiful is just as bad as being unattractive"........ we definitely have to agree to disagree on that one. Thats one burden I would love to have. Its like saying being rich is just as bad as being poor.

    I was abused by these type of people all my life. I dont hate them, I think the more appropriate question is why do they hate me?
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 8, 2015
  10. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Basically in a nutshell to you is the grass is always greener on the other side. It's very apparent.

    I'm not going to defend other people any longer I am currently being discriminated ever single day due to my disablity so I do understand where you are coming from as its a double edged sword, but just wondering what did they do to abuse you?
  11. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    I dont have any grass..... I can only speak from my own personal experiences and my perception of life I see each and every day. I almost had a anxiety attack reading your previous reply. Just imagining some person out there complaining about being "too beautiful" is inconceivable. But I know you were just trying to give support and a different point of view. Its such a sore spot for me that I really am incapable of seeing it in that way at all.

    Growing up, not only did i have the misfortune of being a really ugly awkward looking kid, but I was also the shortest. I couldnt fight. As far as abuse, geez what didnt they do? Ive had people lock me in lockers, throw me out of windows, dump my head into toilets, cut me with knives, spit on, urinated on, and beat on. Thats just the physical abuse. The psychological abuse I think was worse. Women were worse in that aspect. And it was always someone taller or stronger, attractive and socially accepted. And to this day I still hear all of them laughing at me.

    Im sorry you are being discriminated against due to your disability. Discrimination comes in many forms. Its hard to be rejected for something you have no control over.
  12. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    :hug: sorry

    It is very horrible what they did. My heart breaks for your experience. It is very traumatic. No one ever should endure it. No body has the right to do what they did to you.

    A small story:
    I should be fortunate enough to be althetic to defend myself growing up I was able to defend myself or stick up for my friends against those bullies. My group when I grew up was close group of all kinds of people with same disability and we did have a smaller sized friend that like you said people tended to try to graviate towards and start picking on him, we as a group would stick close together. It completely sucks being on the small side he was literally the shortest of the entire class and year before class but the irony was on those bullies. Once he hit 17 he shot up in height and was 6'5 by 19. Now hes beefed up and one of the nicest guys 15 or so years later.

    Just saying maybe you will meet the right people that gets it and absolutely will not judge you for your looks. I know there is people out there. My disability is what bonds me with diverse group of people our common ground trumps looks most of the time yes we got shallow people too but its their loss not ours.
  13. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Whenever i read my own thread I just sound like a little angry kid who didnt get the toy he wanted for Christmas. When you write when your emotional and filled with sadness and anger it comes out in a way that seems unintelligent and just unconstructive ranting.
  14. sihuskyzoi

    sihuskyzoi Well-Known Member

    I know... but I also agree with what you have written. Envy drives my depression quite a bit. And subsequent shame of course. I hope something amazing and powerful happens for you today. And for me.
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