Im not alone in this body. My condition is incomprehensible. I dont have control of the car. I cant think properly, I cant control my emotions, I cant feel anything past deep sadness, fear, anxiety and profound envy. Envy is one of the 7 deadly sins. Very few things is condemned more in the bible. I sin every minute of my life then. I sin in my dreams. I reject God's premise of this world. I am green with envy and I cannot change it. It has no bottom. It is limitless. It causes most of my panic attacks and suicidal thoughts. It really is a deadly sin. It darkens the heart. Has turned me into a bitter and angry troll. But its hard for me not to. I look around me, and I just see so many people actually living. Everyone one I know is living, loving, married, have families or successful. And every time someone tells me about how their life is going, it grips me with anxiety and envy. I want to just hang up. I dont want to hear about how well life is treating you. Good for you. I have no value. I have nothing to be grateful of. I have nothing. I was literally born with nothing. I have no talent. No skill. Im unattractive. Physically sick. Mentally sick. Poor. Alone. I have nothing, but this chill in the air and this knot in my stomach, and the burning feeling from my nerves caused by this demon. Its hard not to compare. Its hard not to cry. God is a jealous God. I am a jealous man. I envy love. I see it all around me. Nothing is more precious. No emotion more powerful. My heart looks like a dying flower. There is no love inside. No one loves me. Nor do I love myself. I would never take it for granted. Ever. Loving someone. I cant imagine it. I dont want to. Cos it hurts too much. Whenever im out in public I try to look down so i cant see it. Couples embracing, holding hands, laughing, kissing. But curiosity kills the cat. And I always look up. My demon always find them. And shows it to me. No matter how far it is from me, it has the clarity of a high def tv and im just completely frozen and watch, listen, and envy. Then it comes. The pain, the grief, the anxiety, the panic. I have walked out of many grocery stores and movie theaters, just from the simple sight of someone laying their head on someone elses shoulder, or holding them around their waist. And it hits me like a chainsaw to the chest. And it stays there. That image, for days, weeks, and it tortures me. Thats what demons do, they torture. I will never know what its like waking up next to someone you love. What it feels like to embrace someone you love. Kissing someone you love. To stare into their eyes lovingly. Or to make love. I told someone before that you could give man everything, even Paradise, but if hes alone, he still has nothing. People tell me to go on vacations, but I dont. Theres no where to go, if I have to be alone. Standing on a beach somewhere just feeling lonely. Its like writing a book, and your the only one that reads it. What is the purpose of the experience if theres noone to experience it with you. Same thing with my life. There is no point of it, and no one wants to be a part of it. I dont think there is anything more special in life and I dont think a single person in the world should ever have to live without it. But then again, love wouldnt be so special if it wasnt for lonely, pathetic, losers like me pining and dreaming for it. The world needs loneliness so love can be meaningful. I envy beauty... Being ugly is a curse. People treat you like you have a flesh eating disease. Its like walking around with the Scarlet Letter. Im ashamed to walk around in public and I try to conceal myself as much as I can. People like me stand quietly in the corners of birthday and Christmas parties. Watching all the normal people socialize and share wonderful stories about their success and relationships while i stand here like a shadow. I have animosity towards my parents. My mother once told me she wish she never had me, and I cant think of a single person that has called me the word ugly more. I could have not existed indefinitely. Or maybe my soul would have entered a more genetically gifted body. I have animosity towards God. If he exists. God made me this way. Being in this body and wearing this face is like being condemned to some sick form of lifelong punishment. A life of reduced human value. I actually found out pretty quickly. It was the kids, way back in 1st grade. They threw rocks at me and called me names. The older I got the worse I look. Can you imagine what it would be like if you woke up and your entire face was burned, or you had a deformity, or skin disorder. Its a living nightmare. I have to look at myself in the mirror every day. People like me are often perceived as unintelligent, criminals, and unstable. We make less money, get hired less, and discriminated against more than any group of people in the world. And theres not gonna be a civil rights movement for my kind. Its not just perception, its human nature. I live within the laws of the world. There is nothing I can do to change it. Attractive people do better in life, have value, and have greater quality of life. Much greater. Due to years of validation from society. Acceptance. Special attention. Encouragement from peers telling them theyre so handsome or beautiful and they should be movie stars or models. And no one has more access to love and support. The most successful person in my family happens to be the most attractive and most liked. Mama's favorite, and daddy's little girl. No one ever called her ugly. Mama never said she wish she didnt have her. Ive been called many things but I think the worse thing someone has ever said to me is that I was the nicest guy they ever met. Yes, they thought I was the nicest person in the world. But that they just werent attracted to me. You have to be really butt f***ing ugly if your the nicest person someone has met, yet they still dont accept you. From that person on I have been convinced im unlovable. And ive been proven right. Im like the singer with the most beautiful voice but no one listens to my music because of my appearance..... God's perfect world. I hope heaven isnt this bad. If we couldnt see each others skin and were just souls floating around we would all be beautiful and all have love and attention. But then again, what would be beautiful then? A world where you couldnt differentiate between night and day, good and evil, beauty and ugliness. I was born for this specific reason. I dont hate them. I hate myself cos im not one of them. I envy them. Its not fair. The rules arent the same. Its not an even playing field. Theyre not better people. Theyre just better looking. Born with superior genes. Good for you, you won the lottery. There is nothing more personally important in life than loving yourself and have self confidence. With it, you will always have a chance. Without it, you wont have a chance in hell. I envy intelligence. I envy talent. I envy whites. I envy faith. I envy courage. I root for beautiful people to fail. But its like rooting for a mouse against an elephant. I even envy people who commit suicide. Cos, theyre free. Free from all of this. No more heart break no more loneliness, sickness or failure. No pain or sadness or worry. Just peace, rest, and a quiet undisturbed stillness. Perfect peace, forever. How sad is it, when you look to the graves for hope. How sad when your not looking forward to your marriage, or graduation, or first child, or birthday and holidays, but instead looking forward to your funeral. How sad life must be, when you even envy the dead.