My ever so depressing story - DoneWithThis

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DoneWithThis, Jun 25, 2013.

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  1. DoneWithThis

    DoneWithThis New Member

    Hi guys.

    I'm a 21 year old girl, with a very hopeless situation who now just wants a way out,
    and the way I see it death will be the only way.
    Which truly sucks because all I wanted was to live.
    But what life gave me, I cannot cope with. I tried, and failed, time and time again.
    But I always got back up, but this time it's different.
    Now life's f*cked me in a way I cannot recover from, and all I can think of is how utterly meaningless and unfair it is.
    Okay, long story short; I've suffered from low self esteem from I was probably 10 years old.
    I developed acne around this time and the boys never chased me like the other girls.
    In my teens I developed anxiety and depression, I became a hypochondriac who went from hospital to hospital afraid of literally everything, every disease under the sun. I was so afraid, the fear was real, I cannot even tell you how many times I thought I was gonna die and screamed "I DON'T WANNA DIE!!!" to my parents. How ironic, now all I wanna do is die. Life scares me, not death. I just wanna be reborn as someone else, not this ugly loser I've become.
    Oh, wen't a little off track there. Well back to my anxiety/depression. I was put on anti depressants and sleeping pills and in therapy because the anxiety became quite severe. I had better days, or weeks though, after I was put on medication. But I always fell back into depression and darkness and fear, started over eating to compensate for my feelings and sat inside in front of my computer all day just trying to get my focus elsewhere. Lost my close friends, but I didn't mind. All I wanted to do was being alone. I had my family, that was all I needed. I became fat, but I blocked it out. Then, I decided to do something about it. Lost the weight, and changed my lifestyle. I became slim, fit, and finally got some compliments from the opposite sex... for the first time in my life. But something wasn't right. I had lost all energy, literally couldn't walk the stairs to the second floor in my house or even opening a carton of milk without my muscles aching. I had to stop working out, and was eventually also diagnosed with an under active thyroid. I thought "Finally! Finally I have an answer to why I'm so tired all the time, now I'm just gonna take my thyroid meds and get my life back!". Well, I could NOT have been more wrong. Because this was the start of the REAL nightmare, everything I'd experienced and gone through up until then was a holiday compared to what was to come.
    After taking my thyroid meds for about a month I became even more fatigued, and tired, than before. I was so low at this point, I was sure I had ME or something like that and pictured my life to be over. The thyroid meds seemed to make me sicker, so without consulting my doctor I quit them. After a little while, I felt better. But now the real nightmare was to be unleashed; and it has everything to do with hair. Yes, you read it right - my hair. Before my hair nightmare started, I had started growing a few black hairs between my boobs and on stomach. Pubic hairs was growing in more and more *awkward*, but I plucked the unwanted hairs and didn't think of it. It wasn't until later when I started losing my scalp hair that I put it into perspective, but I'll get back to that. So, approx a month after quitting my thyroid meds I started shedding a lot of hair. I eventually went to the doctors after a few weeks, cause my hair was literally falling out like crazy; I could run my fingers through my hair and be left with 20 strands, only to repeat the process every 10 minutes, and don't even get me started on showers. I've always had insanely thick and beautiful hair, the type hairdressers would argue over styling etc. So this was a crisis for me, but my doctor convinced me it would be fine and that is was just a seasonal shed. Well fast forward, after 9 months of shedding it finally slowed. For some reason my hair didn't seem much thinner, but I'd had a lot to take from - or so I thought. I thought maybe the nightmare is over. Well NO; it was just to begin. I started having scalp pain, extremely oily scalp and dandruff. Never had any of these problems before. The first thing i noticed was my bangs thinning a bit. I knew in my heart something was wrong but let it go. But the thinning continued, and spread, and my scalp hurt more and more. I went to several dermatologists, all of which told me nothing was wrong with my hair. My my hair looked worse by the week, and you started to see my scalp in my bang area, and my crown. That's right - I was balding. Just like a middle aged man would, only I'm a 21 year old girl/woman. My hairline is now receding, my forehead looks huge. My crown is balding, and my part is widening. How am I gonna cope with this, there is no help for me. This is permanent, and I'm going bald fast. I've put two and two together, and think I may have PCOS hence the unwanted body hair and balding head. I may not even be fertile. All I can do is cry myself to sleep, and cry when I wake up, and hide myself inside all day in fear of people seeing how disgusting I look. I look at girls my age, NO ONE has this problem but me. Why do I have to be the unlucky odd-ball. I never had confidence to begin with, so you can imagine this is a HUGE blow to what little self worth I may have had. To make things worse, I'm in love with someone who doesn't love me back. In the beginning he chased me, made me fall in love, then ditched me. Is it because of my hair? I don't know. The loss isn't that obvious to others yet, I can still conceal it pretty well with styling so I'm thinking it might not be why. But my heart is bleeding, and all I wanna do is run into his arms and tell him how much I love him. But I know I cannot do that. IF I told him, there would only be these possible outcomes and none is good;
    1. I tell him, and he tells me he loves me too (not gonna happen) - but my hair will eventually be the end of us.
    2. I tell him, and he doesn't love me back. I'm left heartbroken, and balding.
    3. I don't tell him, and pretend like I don't care. I'm left heartbroken, and balding.
    See, no good options. I'm so lost. All I do is cry and I've become so angry. At the world, at other girls, at my parents, at everyone, and at God. I cannot count how many times I've prayed to God but He never responds.
    I feel worse every single day and all I can think of is how no one deserves this much pain. What did I ever do to deserve this. I'm a good person, I'm not perfect my any means but I never did anything to hurt anyone.
    All I asked was to look normal, and now I'm turning into a balding man with boobs and chest hair. And there is nothing I can do about it. Get a wig they say, well for me that isn't an option! I just cannot take this. Maybe someone else would be stronger, but I've had it. This hair problem is ruining my life, that was finally picking up a bit before this happened. And now there is no way out. I'm trapped and all I can think of is death. My family is torn apart because of my depression and all the anger I let out on them, because of my situation. But I don't wanna commit suicide to leave them cause they love me. Yet I know I can' t live like this much longer, my days are hell and I cry every day when I wake to because it wasn't just a bad dream after all. I wouldn't wish my life on anyone, and I am green with envy over the other girls who gets to flip their lovely hair without a worry in the world, while I'm left here totally paralysed by fear. Fear of the sun, which I used to love feeling the warmth of - now every bright light will make my scalp show. Fear of the wind, which used to make me feel free - now I keep my head down and hold onto what little bangs I have to avoid any hair getting out of place to expose my scalp. Fear over showers - which used to make me feel like a new person - now I avoid them because I know my hair will only look thinner each time I come out of it. Fear of jumping in a lake - which I adored, because my wet hair shows even more scalp. Fear of spending the night with someone, because my hair has to be fresh out of the shower to look presentable; the next morning it lays flat and thin to my scalp. And fear of having a guy run his fingers through my hair, only to touch my bare scalp. I have become a shadow of myself, I see no joy in anything. This is not life, this is hell. And I want OUT. I just pray for a heart attack, stroke, being in an accident or something to take me out of this pain. I wanna sink into the deep dark abyss and finally get some peace. I don't know if I believe in afterlife but if it exists I hope I'm reborn into a happier life.
    SO SORRY for this extremely long story but I had to get this off my chest. If anyone reads through this I'll be really surprised actually. But if you did, thank you.
  2. DoneWithThis

    DoneWithThis New Member

    Oh didn't mean that.. I mean that I HATE jumping in lakes now because my wet hair shows more scalp. Who adores seeing more of their scalp lol. But maybe you got that..
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