My Everything, my Son

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by LightInTheDarkestNight, Jun 9, 2011.

  1. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for having so many issues. I want to be a better person for you. I should have never started pot again in October. I quit a couple months ago for you so I could be a better parent for you. Why did your mom run off with another man when pregnant. Then when I wanted to work things out with this fall she told me she still felt for her douche X picked a fight with me and then insulted me when I teased her about a 300lb guy her brother told me went to see her. I said I didn't know she liked fattys. Then she personally insulted me. She went on a dating website to meet other guys. I felt so unwanted.

    Why did I have to go through so much psychological abuse/manipulation, bullying and even physical violence. I temporarily went insane now I have so many enemies you will suffer, you don't deserve that at all.

    You're so cute and handsome. Your smile and innocence are such a joy, it helps me escape and live in the moment. How could it all come to this it's too surreal I want to be there for you to teach you to be a good, kind compassionate person, to be a role model, teach you sports, see you grow up and grow old. Protect you from anyone who wants to harm you.

    I had such a good time with you last weekend that big smile of yours when I was playing with you on the bed how my mom enjoyed seeing the two of us bond.

    I'm reminded of an intervention show where the one lady(the interventionist) who used to be an alcoholic was crying how the reason she beat her addiction was for her children, relating to another mother who was fighting addiction. I wish my problem was only an addiction but it's deeper then that.

    I love you so much, your mom telling me your saying dada earlier today just breaks my heart, I can't wait to see you this weekend. You're so pure and so amazing. I hope someday you'll understand.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope you can get in and get therapy for YOURself so you can heal and become that person you want to be for your son. Get yourself some therapyhun do it now okay.
  3. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Love is letting go sometimes, true love that is.
    Thats when we put the needs of others before ourselves.
    Its the hardest i thing to do i think.
    It can be letting a loved partner go that you do not want to and wishing them all the happiness in the world, at the same time holding your own heart, tightly.
    For children this applies too, tell you something though, true love doesn't stop, its when they are close AND afar.

    This is what my eight year old daughter told me while my five year old son cuddled me.

    " Daddy, i have lit a candle in my heart for you, it doesn't matter if you are there or not, it still burns the same, who ever walks into the room, it still burns the same"

    She did not say, but i know she was refering to her mothers new man.

    I am the pupil, my daughter the teacher.
  4. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    re: Total Eclipse

    There's more too it then therapy, don't get me wrong I'm "damaged goods" I may have C-PTSD(something people victim blame) anxiety, OCD(minus the C) etc. Lot's of people have a problem with me, many enemies. Not to be all woe is but I also have many physical health issues stuff that most people couldn't imagine dealing with or relate to thus it makes it hard for them to sympathize.

    Call me cynical but I think lot's of therapists are only in it to collect their pay check. My situation and issues are very complex. I'm too honest and trusting which can actually be a bad thing. For example being too altruistic(too fair, too honest, too empathic) can actually be a vulnerability for others to take advantage of. To manipulate you or manipulate the minds of others who have that trait.

    Basically if you highlight someone's negatives when they had been through tons and their actions were situational and then you omit to tell others of your misdeeds against that person it can make them look much worse then they really are. Judging through a very narrow lense.

    I was watching The dark knight earlier Maybe you recall the character Harvey Dent the DA? I started watching at one scene in the courtroom where he had rounded up half the criminals in the city. Someone was telling him now he's going to have lot's of people after him. Everyone from corrupt cops, to the top guys basically anyone's wallet who has gotten lighter.

    Re: me myself and I

    You first sentence reminds me of the saying if you love someone let them go and if they don't come back they were never yours.

    Putting others needs before yourself is very admirable very few people can do that unless it's family. At the same time unless your in a okay place you yourself you can't care for others the way your capable. Look at drug addicts, people with PTSD, etc.

    I would explain my situation but id rather not put that burden on you as you seem to be a stand up person, from what I've read on here. You are blessed to have such great kids and they're very blessed to have a great dad like you.

    A bit off topic on this thread but it relates to psychological egoism. I was reading the thread on humans are not capable of love. I think some forms of unconditional love do exist and benevolent love for all of man kind. On the flip side most people really on care about themselves and their family and do a lesser degree their friends that they are loyal to.

    The idea behind psychological egoism is that all acts of a person a involved in self interest either directly in indirectly(rationalization ties into this). For example I've been told how nice my mom is however she can lack understanding and true love understands. But she's a very nice person and has had not dealt with cruel people. Which means her theory of mind is based on her on idealistic point of view and experiences.

    A quote that relates is "Those that know no evil suspect none"

    Hate only see's or cares about it's own point of view and advantaged life. Hate doesn't understand nor does it care to try. Hate feeds of judgment, prejudice, and ignorance.

    Just because someone does some good doesn't mean they aren't capable of evil. A quote that relates to this is...

    "We often do good so we may do evil with impunity"

    Back to my mother in a way her being nice to others is done so she can feel happy herself that is if you follow the psychological egoism train of thought. The sad reality is that being nice is something that people often take advantage of, it's a weakness they can exploit. Being nice is often times is associated with not being assertive. A type of person that is more prone to psychological manipulation.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 12, 2011
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I have had to go through some people who did not truly care some therapist who actually did more harm then good but in searching i have found one that is not in it for money but for healing
    I agree being to fair to honest to kind is a vulnerability though trust is very hard for me now i learned hard way
    You say your issues are too complex I am sure therapist have seen and heard it all my therapist deals with all kinds of trauma that is what you need is a therapist that deals just with trauma he take care of soldiers police officers etc that have suffered and more mine is like yours my past i won't share You find the right therapist you will heal you get back on your meds and you will feel better i don't know i think one just grows tired of the fight and eventually accepts to move forward one has to let it all go and with therapy i am learning to let it be you know
    I do hope you get help for you as it is out there hugs.
  6. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    I dont think its a question of being " admirable" my friend.

    This is the weird bit....................... by giving to others, you are being selfish!
    How? Because by doing ,you are making YOURSELF feel good, as well as another.
    As for your reply to my initial post.................there is so much i agree with you there.

    But i have to say, your analysis of yourself shouts out one thing............... self awareness.
    With this knowledge.......your rewards can be endless, but intention, thats the key.
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think me,myself and I has said it so well here i agree totally.
  8. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    Selfish may have not been the best choice of words. With that said the basic point behind psychological egoism is that humans are always motivated by self interest.

    Thank you. I think I do have good self awareness and I think a pretty high IQ as well as a pretty good EQ. I can read emotions, such as disgusted shocked, sadness, empathy, hatred, an evil smile or smirk(getting pleasure from being conniving).

    I've been impulsive especially when I was younger having behavioral control problems. I learned much more self control over the years and to be more conscience of how my actions effected others. A lot more empathic and compassionate as well.

    Somewhat off-topic but for example primary psychopaths are often well liked and respected while usually superficially charming, cunning and manipulative. The intelligent ones are people that you may find being a CEO of a large company, the not so smart ones will often be in jail. Secondary psychopaths are more impulsive and have behavioral issues therefore people don't like them, secondary psychopaths are actually afflicted by guilt and conscience, unlike their primary counterparts. Being impulsive and making some bad choices doesn't make you a psychopath especially when you were only a minor when you made those choices.

    People often think psychopath is psychotic or that a sociopath is crazy. There is no such animal. The sociopath, or psychopath (the terms are roughly equivalent), is by definition NOT psychotic ~ NOT crazy.

    Astonishingly, one has to be certifiably SANE to be a true psychopath.

    If you go temporary insane(or at least diminished capacity) due to multiple traumas, mental illness(largely relating to that trauma), a physical illness, and make a mistake, legally you should not be as liable as a sane person. With that said in the mind of some people they most likely don't care about your state of mind when you crossed them. They only care about how your actions affected them. I was wrong doing what I did and, despite my intelligence I didn't fully understand the nature of what I was doing at the point of time when I did it. I was coping. I Repent my action even if things didn't turn out this way, I don't enjoy causing harm, even to those who wronged me. It often becomes a stupid vicious circle.

    “If you string together a set of speeches expressive of character, and well finished in point of diction and thought, you will not produce the essential tragic effect nearly so well as with a play which, however deficient in these respects, yet has a plot and artistically contructed incidents. Now character determines men’s qualities, but it is by their actions that they are happy or the reverse.” By this explanation from Poetics, Aristotle communicates that the essence of the tragedy lies not in the characterization, but the actions of the tragic hero. Hence, Shakespeare felt it unnecessary to complicate his work with useless information deviant from the heart of the tragedy.

    This is from

    Othello's tragic flaw's were his honesty, as well as naivety.

    Basically what I put in bold is true. You could be a great person with many good qualities(if someone really gets to know you) yet people judge you only what they want to see which is most often your a couple or handful of actions they know or have heard about.. If you make a few bad choices(even before you matured mentally or grew up) that's more then enough ammo for some people to have absolutely zero empathy for you and be totally unscrupulous, putting a conniving revenge plot, that would make the movie cruel intentions look like it was produced by Disney.

    Often times we unconsciously make our minds up about someone and look for reasons to justify those unconscious feelings which is what is we know as rationalization.

    Little guy I had a good visit with you this weekend. It's unfortunate that this is the current state of affairs, and I couldn't enjoy being with you more.
  9. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    I'm glad therapy has worked for you maybe in time I will find one but there is too much going on at this point in time for me to bother with one.

    I'm not a big advocate of medicine it seems they are quick to label you as this or that and throw you some pills. I was in outpatient until November I was supposed to be on meds they didn't do anything for me anyways, so I stopped taking them.

    The program was supposed to be two years and on meds the whole time but I just stopped going. It was whack the guy talked to you for 5-10 mins and that was it. Luckily I wasn't on a medicine order so it was my choice to stop taking them.

    I may have had a temporary psychosis but like my one doctor said it's very possible some of the stuff I told her happened did, she had no way of disproving it. I had made many observations which were obviously true, the world can be very cruel and unscrupulous. Often times people will think up sick revenge plots in a conspiracy kind of way. Wrecking your reputation, messing with your head through psychological abuse and manipulation, bullying, cheating on you, toying with you, and even physical abuse. Going through so much abuse and lack of empathy from so many people would be very hard for anyone to take, it would toy with anyone's theory of mind.

    I'm going to leave it at that for now.

    Just because there is no "hard proof" doesn't mean the victim is crazy. Just look at Maury that's what the cheaters or abusers say when their is no hard proof that their partner has trust issues, is crazy, issues or they have excuse after excuse . Their partner often times will question if their the bad person for suspecting their partner when in reality they have all kinds of evidence and observations of strange behavior. The cheating partner almost always deny's and attacks the victim, a form of DARVO. Generally the only motive for the cheaters on Maury is being able to cheat and string their genuine and faithful partner along. In a sense "have their cake and eat it too", or live a double life.

    Then if you factor in someone in their mind has a good reason to despise(via revenge) someone then you'll realize that the possibilities for conniving, deceiving and cunning revenge plots can be very vast. Especially when the victim is a genuine sincere person who has lot's of vulnerabilities(according to the psychological manipulation page and even the dangerous woman channel)

    Some of my actions when I was younger(prior to even turning 18) had harmed people nothing really premeditated or intending to cause serious, just some mistakes in the heat of the moment . Even these kids got me to set up this one kid who got beat up and he probably blamed me all for it, when in fact it was the other kids idea.

    Even last year when I talked to when I was intellectualizing why I had been victimized so badly I said how I went against my gut instinct multiple times and it had led to that point. She told me for such a clever boy you aren't very smart. But that's how dangerous women and people work they get you thinking "maybe I'm wrong" they use psychological manipulation etc to get what they want out of you.

    I got victimized again this past year, I was naive despite my past. I got tricked again thinking "maybe I'm wrong" dismissing my instinct etc. Psychological manipulators are often psychopaths they assess your weakness they get into their manipulation or abusing phase and once they have gotten what they want out of you(their victim) they drop you like a hot cake. The latter is called the abandonment phase.