my ex

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by TJ, Aug 10, 2010.

  1. TJ

    TJ Staff Alumni

    well i dont really know why i am writting this , or what i want to achieve but i know i have to get this out and this seems to be the only place on this earth that people will listen to me .
    my ex and i were together 5 years to the day we broke up last oct on our 5th year annervsary , we went thru alot together from being kicked outta our home to family shit and then losing good friends etc etc , 5 years is a long time to be with someone , to exchange gifts and feelings and emotions and lots more , and most of all my heart .
    we broke plain and simplely because i decided i didnt want to do drugs anymore and that being an addict i need to get clean completly , she didnt like this so we broke up she's still out there using :( things just would never have worked if i was clean and she didnt want to be .. i accept that .
    thing is we promised each other that things would be forever that we would remain together for the rest of our lives and i know that things change etc etc but it feels astho our whole relationship was built upon lies and she just wanted to have a free ride doing as many drugs as she could , think what hurts the most is that i gave her my heart , expecting in return that her love would remain forever .. this morning i woke up and jumped online as i normally do and went thru my emails as per normal , but i stumbled across some emails from her that we had sent each other back in 2008 it was like ripping an old wound open again and now all thats going thru my head is her , its been 10 months almost 11 months since we broke up and im still not over her :( i cant take this anymore i really cant i need a soloution to get her outta my life , outta my head but im dumbfounded as to how to go about this , i know theres no quick fix but there has to be something that will lessen the pain ? there has to be something to lock away the pain that im feeling ... like i said i dont know what im expecting to get outta this post but i had to write it out , i feel so fucken broken , so torn , and so helpless ... sometimes i even get to the point where i do think that i am better of dead rather than living this pain and today is one of those days ....
  2. Lost.

    Lost. Well-Known Member

    Congrats on getting clean first and foremost.

    Hope that hasn't changed.

    Best advice I can honestly give is that time heals, man.

    Obviously there's no quick emotional fix when somebody you had that kind of bond with is suddenly out of your life.

    But you have to keep living. You have to move on and not let the past steal your future happiness.
  3. Black Beauty

    Black Beauty Well-Known Member

    This might seem like harsh advice but in my own experience I've found it to be true... The best way to get over someone is to just be their friend and find someone new to fall in love with - then your old feelings for your ex will be overwhelmed by the new feelings you feel for someone new.

    I pasted this in the other thread too, on how to keep a girl attracted to you:

    I. Never say ‘I Love You’ first

    Women want to feel like they have to overcome obstacles to win a man’s heart. They crave the challenge of capturing the interest of a man who has other women competing for his attention, and eventually prevailing over his grudging reluctance to award his committed exclusivity. The man who gives his emotional world away too easily robs women of the satisfaction of earning his love. Though you may be in love with her, don’t say it before she has said it. Show compassionate restraint for her need to struggle toward yin fulfillment. Inspire her to take the leap for you, and she’ll return the favor a thousandfold.

    II. Make her jealous

    Flirt with other women in front of her. Do not dissuade other women from flirting with you. Women will never admit this but jealousy excites them. The thought of you turning on another woman will arouse her sexually. No girl wants a man that no other woman wants. The partner who harnesses the gale storm of jealousy controls the direction of the relationship.

    III. You shall make your mission, not your woman, your priority

    Forget all those romantic cliches of the leading man proclaiming his undying love for the woman who completes him. Despite whatever protestations to the contrary, women do not want to be “The One” or the center of a man’s existence. They in fact want to subordinate themselves to a worthy man’s life purpose, to help him achieve that purpose with their feminine support, and to follow the path he lays out. You must respect a woman’s integrity and not lie to her that she is “your everything”. She is not your everything, and if she is, she will soon not be anymore.

    IV. Don’t play by her rules

    If you allow a woman to make the rules she will resent you with a seething contempt even a rapist cannot inspire. The strongest woman and the most strident feminist wants to be led by, and to submit to, a more powerful man. Polarity is the core of a healthy loving relationship. She does not want the prerogative to walk all over you with her capricious demands and mercurial moods. Her emotions are a hurricane, her soul a saboteur. Think of yourself as a bulwark against her tempest. When she grasps for a pillar to steady herself against the whipping winds or yearns for an authority figure to foil her worst instincts, it is you who has to be there… strong, solid, unshakeable and immovable.

    V. Adhere to the golden ratio

    Give your woman 2/3 of everything she gives you. For every three calls or texts, give her two back. Three declarations of love earn two in return. Three gifts; two nights out. Give her two displays of affection and stop until she has answered with three more. When she speaks, you reply with fewer words. When she emotes, you emote less. The idea behind the golden ratio is twofold — it establishes your greater value by making her chase you, and it demonstrates that you have the self-restraint to avoid getting swept up in her personal dramas. Refraining from reciprocating everything she does for you in equal measure instills in her the proper attitude of belief in your higher status. In her deepest loins it is what she truly wants.

    VI. Keep her guessing

    True to their inscrutable natures, women ask questions they don’t really want direct answers to. Woe be the man who plays it straight — his fate is the suffering of the beta. Evade, tease, obfuscate. She thrives when she has to imagine what you’re thinking about her, and withers when she knows exactly how you feel. A woman may want financial and family security, but she does not want passion security. In the same manner, when she has displeased you, punish swiftly, but when she has done you right, reward slowly. Reward her good behavior intermittently and unpredictably and she will never tire of working hard to please you.

    VII. Always keep two in the kitty

    Never allow yourself to be a “kept man”. A man with options is a man without need. It builds confidence and encourages boldness with women if there is another woman, a safety net, to catch you in case you slip and risk a breakup, divorce, or a lost prospect, leading to loneliness and a grinding dry spell. A woman knows once she has slept with a man she has abdicated a measure of her power; when she has fallen in love with him she has surrendered nearly all of it. But love is ephemeral and with time she may rediscover her power and threaten to leave you. It is her final trump card. Withdrawing all her love and all her body in an instant will rend your soul if you are faced with contemplating the empty abyss alone. Knowing there is another you can turn to for affection will fortify your will and satisfy your manhood.

    VIII. Say you’re sorry only when absolutely necessary

    Do not say you’re sorry for every wrong thing you do. It is a posture of submission that no man should reflexively adopt, no matter how alpha he is. Apologizing increases the demand for more apologies. She will come to expect your contrition, like a cat expects its meal at a set time each day. And then your value will lower in her eyes. Instead, if you have done something wrong, you should acknowledge your guilt in a glancing way without resorting to the actual words “I’m sorry.” Pull the Bill Clinton maneuver and say “Mistakes were made” or tell her you “feel bad” about what you did. You are granted two freebie “I’m sorry”s for the life of your relationship; use them wisely.

    IX. Connect with her emotions

    Set yourself apart from other men and connect with a woman’s emotional landscape. Her mind is an alien world that requires deft navigation to reach your rendevous. Frolic in the surf of emotions rather than the arid desert of logic. Be playful. Employ all your senses. Describe in lush detail scenarios to set her heart afire. Give your feelings freedom to roam. ROAM. Yes, that is a good word. You’re not on a linear path with her. You are ROAMING all over, taking her on an adventure. In this world, there is no need to finish thoughts or draw conclusions. There is only need to EXPERIENCE. You’re grabbing her hand and running with her down an infinite, labyrinthine alleyway with no end, laughing and letting your fingers glide on the cobblestone walls along the way.

    X. Ignore her beauty

    The man who trains his mind to subdue the reward centers of his brain when reflecting upon a beautiful female face will magically transform his interactions with women. His apprehension and self-consciousness will melt away, paving the path for more honest and self-possessed interactions with the objects of his desire. This is one reason why the greatest lotharios drown in more love than they can handle — through positive experiences with so many beautiful women they lose their awe of beauty and, in turn, their powerlessness under its spell. It will help you acquire the right frame of mind to stop using the words hot, cute, gorgeous, or beautiful to describe girls who turn you on. Instead, say to yourself “she’s interesting” or “she might be worth getting to know”. Never compliment a girl on her looks, especially not a girl you aren’t fucking. Turn off that part of your brain that wants to put them on pedestals. Further advanced training to reach this state of unawed Zen transcendence is to sleep with many MANY attractive women (try to avoid sleeping with a lot of ugly women if you don’t want to regress). Soon, a Jedi lover you will be.

    XI. Be irrationally self-confident

    No matter what your station in life, stride through the world without apology or excuse. It does not matter if objectively you are not the best man a woman can get; what matters is that you think and act like you are. Women have a dog’s instinct for uncovering weakness in men; don’t make it easy for them. Self-confidence, warranted or not, triggers submissive emotional responses in women. Irrational self-confidence will get you more pussy than rational defeatism.

    XII. Maximize your strengths, minimize your weaknesses

    In the betterment of ourselves as men we attract women into our orbit. To accomplish this gravitational pull as painlessly and efficiently as possible, you must identify your natural talents and shortcomings and parcel your efforts accordingly. If you are a gifted jokester, don’t waste time and energy trying to raise your status in philosophical debate. If you write well but dance poorly, don’t kill yourself trying to expand your manly influence on the dancefloor. Your goal should be to attract women effortlessly, so play to your strengths no matter what they are; there is a groupie for every male endeavor. Except World of Warcraft.

    XIII. Err on the side of too much boldness, rather than too little

    Touching a woman inappropriately on the first date will get you further with her than not touching her at all. Don’t let a woman’s faux indignation at your boldness sway you; they secretly love it when a man aggressively pursues what he wants and makes his sexual intentions known. You don’t have to be an asshole, but if you have no choice, being an inconsiderate asshole beats being a polite beta, every time.

    XIV. Fuck her good

    Fuck her like it’s your last fuck. And hers. Fuck her so good, so hard, so wantonly, so profligately that she is left a quivering, sparking mass of shaking flesh and sex fluids. Drain her of everything, then drain her some more. Kiss her all over, make love to her all night, and hold her close in the morning. Own her body, own her gratitude, own her love. If you don’t know how, learn to give her squirting orgasms.

    XV. Maintain your state control

    You are an oak tree. You will not be manipulated by crying, yelling, lying, head games, sexual withdrawal, jealousy ploys, pity plays, shit tests, hot/cold/hot/cold, disappearing acts, or guilt trips. She will rain and thunder all around you and you will shelter her until her storm passes. She will not drag you into her chaos or uproot you. When you have mastery over yourself, you will have mastery over her.

    XVI. Never be afraid to lose her

    You must not fear. Fear is the love-killer. Fear is the ego-triumph that brings abject loneliness. You will face your fear. You will permit it to pass over and through you. And when your ego-fear is gone you will turn and face your lover, and only your heart will remain. You will walk away from her when she has violated your integrity, and you will let her walk when her heart is closed to you. She who can destroy you, controls you. Don’t give her that power over yourself. Love yourself before you love her.


    The closer you follow the letter of these commandments, the easier you will find and keep real, true unconditional love and happiness in your life.
  4. suzy

    suzy Well-Known Member

    i really felt i need to reply here

    since it happens to people that they feel deeply over the years about the loss of closeness to that just one it can go on for years...

    i know that here at the forum over the time you have been here that you have accepted the support offered [plenty of times given support]

    if it takes more time for you then please continue to seek support to lessen how you feel at is okay from what you wrote to get suprises and feel as you do

    as for the list above: understand the "culture" you live in plays a part in your list... if you have no culture then look around there probably is one its just not one you recognize

    the list can become meaningless to those who do not understand it.... [i do not so it is unsatifying [spelling ? problem] to me]
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 10, 2010
  5. TJ

    TJ Staff Alumni

    thanks lost. i guess what im feeling is a deep sense of rejection and feeling used , i am still clean just over 8 1/2 months now , i know that time heals everything and all that but it feels like i dont have that time , i keep telling my pdoc and case manager that im not safe within myself and that i cant handle being like this on my own and yet again they tell me " you'll be right mate, just keep ur chin up " theyre not listening to me and how i really feel that im not safe at all , theres so much more that i want to write in this post of whats going on for me that has steemed from this break up but i fear that if i open myself up that i will break down compeletly :(
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you need to print off what you just wrote and give it to yur doctor Makehim listen to you and tell him no i will not keep my chin up i need help so listen to me now okay LISTEN i need more help