My experience with suicide

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sirhenrykennethjr, Dec 6, 2009.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. There is no method of suicide that doesn't involve pain. <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>. The reason that suicide is painful is because everyone who commits suicide will burn in hell for eternity.
    That statement is something I came across when I was researching suicide methods online. It was some time after I decided that I wanted to kill myself and I found it really funny. I honestly hope the people who wrote that were delusional.

    When I was a young child I always had this strange feeling that I wouldn't live to be in my twenties. There was no reasoning behind it, it was just a hunch that I had and now it seems that it might have been a premonition. I had a fairly happy childhood. My family were all truly amazing people but I always felt detached in some way that I couldn't understand. I don't want to write about my entire life experience though. The point where I realised something was wrong was when I was 18 and on a vacation with my family. It was really great spending the Christmas holiday with my family and everything seemed perfect in my life. We were driving along in the car and I realised that I felt no joy or pleasure at all. This was a time in my life where I was supposed to feel happy and content, but I wasn't. I was facing out towards the window of the car and I was crying because I realised that I wanted to die. It's hard for me to explain the emotions I'm experiencing right now. There is the sadness of feeling like I'm leaving the people that I love. There's also a lot of guilt because I know a lot of people are going to suffer due to my actions. The feeling that doesn't exist though is self-pity. I don't feel like life is unfair or that my situation is worse than anyone else. If anything I think I have been blessed to have been surrounded by the people who were around during my life. My family, friends and my former girlfriend. The emotion that I never expected to feel is the guilty pleasure of knowing that I don't have to stay here anymore and endure the shit that I've lived with so far.

    The thought of ending my life isn't some irrational reaction to the way I feel. I've been dealing with this feeling for at least two years and I've tried to think about it as logically as I can. I came up with a 'happiness scale' in my head and it looks something like this:

    | happy |neutral unhappy|

    If the bottom end of the scale is the worst I've ever felt, and the top end is the happiest I've ever been, I'm currently at the bottom end. Although, that isn't the problem. My girlfriend recently broke up with me so it's normal for me to be at the bottom. The thing that troubles me is that for the last three years I've been in the bottom half of the scale and very rarely am I feeling neutral or truly happy. I don't know exactly why this has happened. It could be biological, or it could be because of the way my life has turned out. All I know is that I'm currently incapable of feeling happiness. If you look at death on that scale, it is right in the middle, since it's obviously impossible to feel happy or unhappy when you're dead. So if you look at it this way, dying would actually be improving my current situation.

    I'd just like to mention that I'm not planning on ending my life. I wrote that when I was strongly considering suicide but things change. I'm just posting this to see if anyone has had a similar experience or understands it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 6, 2009
  2. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    Good you change your mind, and thanks for posting.
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I know how you feel..I have been suicidal since I was thirteen (my first attempt) I am now 52 and live with the thoughts dailey,.. I have been able to curve them thru therapy and meds.. The therapy helped the most.. I learned coping skills, and how to recognise cognitive distortions in my way of thinking.. I would definitley say find a good therapist.. Go to your school counselor and they should be able to help you set it up.,.Good luck to you!!
  4. well i'm not actually at school anymore. to be honest i haven't actually made up my mind but i didn't come here seeking advice or to have someone tell me something i already know. i just need to know if anyone else has shared the feelings i have now. i've definitely considered seeing a therapist or something but i'm not sure i could get much out of it. i don't want to spend the rest of my life having my state of mind altered by drugs every day. i'm going to think about it strongly until a certain date (my 20th birthday) and then hopefully make up my mind by then.

    one thing i've noticed is that it's really an amazing feeling knowing you might not be alive for long. it's like i'm completely invulnerable to everything trivial
  5. just another thought:

    it's quite weird that setting a date has actually given me the strength to get out of bed in the morning. knowing that there is going to be a huge change soon and that i won't have to endure anything gives me a weird sense of satisfaction
  6. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Ok you said you didn't want advice and for anyone to tell you things you already know BUT from my reading of your post it sounds very much like you are and have been depressed. There are a lot of people on here who are depressed, maybe they can tell you about the same sort of feelings. In any event, though it makes you feel better to have a date, to know that you can end the state you're in, before that date why don't you go see a doctor, tell him what you've said in your post - even though you don't want your state of mind altered by drugs - if they're going to make you feel better, that's worth it isn't it?
  7. Thanks for the replies. I've decided to start getting therapy :smile:
  8. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    Like you, I disagree with pharagraph 1 because death involves pain, doesn't mean everyone who dies goes to hell. After death imo, its dark like before life.

    Good luck in therapy though, touching post.
  9. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    LOL even though its only temporary.
  10. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    I had similar intuition growing up that I would die at 28 with absolutely no reasoning behind it. But I'm not familiar at all with ever being happy or having even a neutrally happy childhood, though.
  11. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    Live long and prosper.
  12. Alliance

    Alliance Well-Known Member

    I am 100% sure that God (at least man made Biblical God) isn't real and that no hell exists.

    I refuse to believe in a really old book with fallacies and contradictions in it. Something should not be regarded as perfect truth if it has errors in it.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.