My failed attempt and current troubles

[MichaelKay]

Last time I wrote here I was convinced I was gonna off myself. Well I tried but maybe wasn't too sure about going through with it. I let myself get admitted to a psych ward but <mod edit - method>, resulting in me being found barely breathing and had to spend a week in intensive care getting oxygen and catching a pneumonia as a result. After a week in intensive care I was transferred back to the psych ward where I spend a few days before getting released. A month later I'm struggling with numbness in half of my hands.

I cancelled my welfare check back in january and have been living off refundable bottles I collect during the night-time and a soup kitchen that serves free dinner 5 days a week. When admitted to the hospital I had a talk with a social counsellor who offered to help me get back on social welfare but so far nothing has happened yet. And I've been asked to leave my apartment as I haven't paid rent since january. I expect to be out on the streets at the beginning of April. As it gets closer to deadline I start to worry a lot. Living at a shelter doesn't feel realistic because I'm too much of a loner to be able to stand being around other people. And sleeping on the street doesn't sound fun either.

I don't know what I'm getting at. I f**ked up and self-sabotaged my life. And now I'm paying the price for it. All I really can hope for is getting back on social welfare so I can afford another go at <mod edit - method>. I'm feeling like a complete and utter failure for my actions and the situation I've put myself in. My family doesn't know about any of it and I don't plan on telling them. My mom still thinks I was in the hospital thanks to a pneumonia because I don't want to worry her about my suicidal tendencies. I'm just feeling like a helpless teen caught in an adult body whose only way out is commiting suicide.

 

[Walker]

Hey man, I'm really sorry to hear that you made an attempt and were in the hospital, both.
I hope that you can get back on the social welfare role soon so you can keep your place. No one wants to see you in a shelter or sleeping outside. Neither of those do sound great. Maybe your parents could give you a hand if nothing else?
There's no reason to feel like a "failure" for having a bad time. Things happen in life - and you're trying to get better. You can only do what you can do on a daily basis. Maybe you should let some people know how messed up you're feeling inside so you don't hurt yourself. We don't want that.

 

[MichaelKay]

Hey man, I'm really sorry to hear that you made an attempt and were in the hospital, both.
I hope that you can get back on the social welfare role soon so you can keep your place. No one wants to see you in a shelter or sleeping outside. Neither of those do sound great. Maybe your parents could give you a hand if nothing else?
There's no reason to feel like a "failure" for having a bad time. Things happen in life - and you're trying to get better. You can only do what you can do on a daily basis. Maybe you should let some people know how messed up you're feeling inside so you don't hurt yourself. We don't want that.

Thanks for the kind words. But it seems the train has left the station when it comes to me keeping my apartment. I'm not too fond of the idea of asking my parents for help. In general I don't like asking for help, be it my family or a psychiatric institution. At the end of the day my situation is selfimposed and I don't feel I should rely on others to sort out my mess.

Edit for mod: I'm sorry I was too specific in mentioning the method of my attempt. I'll be more mindful of that going forward.

 

[Lifeisthis]

Don't give up please don't. I had a failed attempt and and can relate I know it's hard but try to find something good about life even watching a television to start or getting a plant

 

[The Unknown Philosopher]

I'm just feeling like a helpless teen caught in an adult body whose only way out is committing suicide.

IF we lived in a sane and compassionate society, you'd have a
nice quite safe place to collect yourself, and find out if you're
really ready to go.

There's no place for cats like us in this dog eat dog world.

 

[1964dodge]

i'm sorry that you had an attempt and ended up in the hospital @MichaelKay . i do understand how you feel and just want to give up. when i was much younger i had a place forclosed on as well as having a truck reposessed. when we hit rock bottom and don't know where we will sleep or where our next meal will come from. but this is temporary.

while you still have time look into all of your options, including talking to your parents. i would be sad if my kids had no place to go no matter how old they are i would want to know. get every form of help that you can. if you live in the states try your city hall for general relief fund.

i know you are suffering now but things can turn around if you keep fighting and getting what help you can. also by asking your parents for help now you can help them when they need it in the future. for my family we help each other including money. that would be great for you and your parents if you could work together. feel free to use my inbox anytime you want to talk or vent.

mike...

 

[Catch_22]

Last time I wrote here I was convinced I was gonna off myself. Well I tried but maybe wasn't too sure about going through with it. I let myself get admitted to a psych ward but <mod edit - method>, resulting in me being found barely breathing and had to spend a week in intensive care getting oxygen and catching a pneumonia as a result. After a week in intensive care I was transferred back to the psych ward where I spend a few days before getting released. A month later I'm struggling with numbness in half of my hands.

I cancelled my welfare check back in january and have been living off refundable bottles I collect during the night-time and a soup kitchen that serves free dinner 5 days a week. When admitted to the hospital I had a talk with a social counsellor who offered to help me get back on social welfare but so far nothing has happened yet. And I've been asked to leave my apartment as I haven't paid rent since january. I expect to be out on the streets at the beginning of April. As it gets closer to deadline I start to worry a lot. Living at a shelter doesn't feel realistic because I'm too much of a loner to be able to stand being around other people. And sleeping on the street doesn't sound fun either.

I don't know what I'm getting at. I f**ked up and self-sabotaged my life. And now I'm paying the price for it. All I really can hope for is getting back on social welfare so I can afford another go at <mod edit - method>. I'm feeling like a complete and utter failure for my actions and the situation I've put myself in. My family doesn't know about any of it and I don't plan on telling them. My mom still thinks I was in the hospital thanks to a pneumonia because I don't want to worry her about my suicidal tendencies. I'm just feeling like a helpless teen caught in an adult body whose only way out is commiting suicide.

I relate 100% to your last sentence.
I've never met you but I'm hurting reading this. I don't want this for you..esp beating yourself up but I understand, I would be too. Please message me anytime. I can't help because I'm fucked but I promise I understand what you wrote and the shelter situation and botched suicide attempts.
Please please please please consider, if you have ANYONE who does care or might, tell them. it's better to have them know and be there then die. She will know then, won't she?
Last night I watched Meghan Markle tell the world she ha struggled recently with feeling like dying was her only way out. She had no shame when speaking to the whole world on that. There is no shame in your feelings, or the actions that led you to where you are now. You need to be supported through such pain. My best to you.

 

[Catch_22]

IF we lived in a sane and compassionate society, you'd have a
nice quite safe place to collect yourself, and find out if you're
really ready to go.

There's no place for cats like us in this dog eat dog world.

This is true as a reality, in many ways, but it is hopeless. We need advocacy. We need real hope. This person needs to know it's not hopeless legitimately, and so do I. There has to be more than this bs society that pretends to be civilized and deceives people into thinking it is. Where are all the brilliant minds who want to save people like this person ??? Are we all suicidal?

 

[jamieblue1]

Last time I wrote here I was convinced I was gonna off myself. Well I tried but maybe wasn't too sure about going through with it. I let myself get admitted to a psych ward but <mod edit - method>, resulting in me being found barely breathing and had to spend a week in intensive care getting oxygen and catching a pneumonia as a result. After a week in intensive care I was transferred back to the psych ward where I spend a few days before getting released. A month later I'm struggling with numbness in half of my hands.

I cancelled my welfare check back in january and have been living off refundable bottles I collect during the night-time and a soup kitchen that serves free dinner 5 days a week. When admitted to the hospital I had a talk with a social counsellor who offered to help me get back on social welfare but so far nothing has happened yet. And I've been asked to leave my apartment as I haven't paid rent since january. I expect to be out on the streets at the beginning of April. As it gets closer to deadline I start to worry a lot. Living at a shelter doesn't feel realistic because I'm too much of a loner to be able to stand being around other people. And sleeping on the street doesn't sound fun either.

I don't know what I'm getting at. I f**ked up and self-sabotaged my life. And now I'm paying the price for it. All I really can hope for is getting back on social welfare so I can afford another go at <mod edit - method>. I'm feeling like a complete and utter failure for my actions and the situation I've put myself in. My family doesn't know about any of it and I don't plan on telling them. My mom still thinks I was in the hospital thanks to a pneumonia because I don't want to worry her about my suicidal tendencies. I'm just feeling like a helpless teen caught in an adult body whose only way out is commiting suicide.

Wow. I can relate. I hope you find some sort of peace. Thank you for sharing your story. Hugs.

 

[DrownedFishOnFire]

Was homeless myself for few seasons. my perspective has changed. When survival kicks in ya know when you keep running not knowing where to sleep next. That purest form of survival. I learned a whole bunch about myself and my mental health has actually improved. Wishing you the best luck as really hope you stick around and figure out how to land on your feet with the pandemic people losing their jobs and asking for help is odd for many in the same boat facing a loss of their shelter. It's only temporary

Take Care.

 

[MichaelKay]

Was homeless myself for few seasons. my perspective has changed. When survival kicks in ya know when you keep running not knowing where to sleep next. That purest form of survival. I learned a whole bunch about myself and my mental health has actually improved. Wishing you the best luck as really hope you stick around and figure out how to land on your feet with the pandemic people losing their jobs and asking for help is odd for many in the same boat facing a loss of their shelter. It's only temporary

Take Care.

Thank you. And sorry for the late response. I actually ended up calling a social worker that reached out to me and got 3 months of the social security that I had cancelled paid at once which was enough to cover the rent I hadn't paid and thus got me saved from getting homeless and have a monthly income again. I feel very privileged to have that happen to me and it surely saved my butt this time around.

 

[Waves]

Good news to hear. Thank you for update. You are cared about.

 

[Catch_22]

Thank you. And sorry for the late response. I actually ended up calling a social worker that reached out to me and got 3 months of the social security that I had cancelled paid at once which was enough to cover the rent I hadn't paid and thus got me saved from getting homeless and have a monthly income again. I feel very privileged to have that happen to me and it surely saved my butt this time around.

That's good news. What a relief!

 

[KM76710]

Thank you for the update, fine news to hear.