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My family doesnt care about my life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ray, Jun 15, 2007.

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  1. ray

    ray New Member

    Why am I here? Is it my desperate attempt to reach out to someone who can at least understand where i'm coming from? I think so.

    My depression started all when I was 16 years old.. I was in High school and to make the long story short, i am gay and i live in texas in a small town, a farming community. The teachers all found out about me and thats when the troubles started. I was expelled for distribution of pornography at age 16 from my school because i was attempting to give it to this other person who i know was gay as well. After this happened, i felt as if my life was over.. i wanted out ASAP! (my parents are old-fashioned, conservatives) My father and mother never founnd until i told them when i was 17. I came out to them because i was using drugs as an escape from reality, an escape from the unhappiness, from the paranoya. I was arrested when i was 17 for possesion of marijuana and in Texas, its a misdeamenour. I told my mother then what i was doing and why. I immediately was sent to therapy but my father had different expectations. He would come home and he would ask, "is it working.. is it working?" as if i was going to be cured from being "gay."

    I decided to go off far away from all my paranoya, from all my fears, (feared my straight friends would find out) and so to California i left.. Started school, fell in love w/a wonderful guy, was with him 2 years, and he was the only one who ever made or brought happiness to my life... ever! So when i saw he was loosing interest, i slowly began to loose it.. We broke up, 1 month later, he dates, and my heart is devastated! The only person in my life who made me happy had left me for someone else (although the breakup was more mutual) I became very sad, not depressed.

    Anywho, sorry im writting so much, noone may even read this but oh well, im just venting i guess.. Back to the story. 2 years have almost passed since i broke up but i just feel sad, not because im single, but because no one understands me. MY family doesnt understand how miserable i am, not because im alone, but because i feel alone in the world, and i feel noone understands or even cares about my feelings.. I feel like being gay is a miserable thing now! I'm sad because i cant live the way i want to with my family around and they cant and aren't willing to hear me on issues pertaining to my life.. i feel lonely, very lonely.. and im paranoid still.. im back in my small town and it just hits harder.. i just want to leave this world, i feel like i was brought into this world as a mistake.. i dont know what im doing with my life, im miserable, unhappy, lonely and i just hate myself mostly because i wish i wasn't gay.. i cant even imagine not being gay so this just makes it even harder for me..

    I love life and the fun it brings but i just rather not live because its just too painful to live a life where i cannot be happy solely because i feel like i was never even supposed to be born in the first place.
  2. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I really feel for you.

    I'm afraid of losing the only person I care about, too. We've had a lot of differences. She says I treated her better than her previous boyfriend. We live apart though, and I worry. I don't really have anyone else in my life. We're not compatable sexually, our relationship is platonic now. She's older than me. I know she's lonely. If she hooks up with someone, I don't know what I'd do.

    This may sound cruel, but sometimes I wish she was incapacitated so she could depend on me all the time. I'm not talking about being paralyzed, just physically run down and tired. She mentioned buying a duplex and living together. When she said that, I was happy. Now days go by and she doesn't call me. I wish we could talk more often.
  3. Dudly

    Dudly Well-Known Member

    I am not unlike you, I am gay as well. I understand what its like but if your friends are real friends, you can tell them your sexual preference and they will understand. If they dont, then they are not real friends. Use them as a crutch for support. I also understand that under stress depression and frustration people always turn to something to help them cope. Drugs, alchohol, illusion etr. These are ussally bad. I know I have. I have issues similar to yours as well as others so I cant give you sound adivce. You will find other people in life to love. I should think your family will come around. Gluck.
  4. lost_soul

    lost_soul Staff Alumni

    i feel for you. i understand losing ppl. and depression. small town. stick around here and you'll start making friends that you can lean on, and:welcome:. sorry to meet on these terms
  5. Dave303

    Dave303 Well-Known Member

    Hello to everyone in this thread. I am not homosexual but I think it's very sad that homosexual people have to constantly feel battered. I'm not offering pity, only saying that I understand how U feel because I have differences too which stand out. But suicide is definitely not the answer to any problem, whatever sexual orientation one is. Being in an oppressive small town atmosphere is unbearable at times when everyone is hostile or knows about U. But even if U must lock yourself up or shy away from everyone and stay on the internet for days on end, it is infinitesimally better than suicide. Also try and talk to a professional about this, he/she will definitely understand your plight. PM me anytime if U wish to have a partner that will listen.
  6. ray

    ray New Member

    ^thnx so much to you and to all who replied.. im sorry i havent been on much, i have just been in my own world now for the past couple days.. i appreciate the support, means alot..
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