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My 'Father'

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Cloudbreaker, Aug 29, 2008.

  1. Cloudbreaker

    Cloudbreaker Member

    On July 5th, 2008, my father took his own life. I didn't know him well, but I was beginning my life again when I started living with him. I believe he took his own life because my mother refused to get back together with him as he was an abusive husband (both physically and mentally).

    Though not confirmed by my mother, I do hear from a few people but her that he wasn't my real father. I learned my mother was raped 18 years ago. That same incident conceived me. I was born from something like that. Wether my father knew or not, I do not know, but he always treated my like a son as much as he could.

    Through my own years suicide has taunted me over and over again and I've succumbed and made attempts at my own life twice. Without my father I've grown increasingly empty and alone. He was my last and only person who accepted me. Even more and more... I feel so lost and broken. My brother has grown so very distant from everyone and I worry about him as well. My mother is also emotionally distant and thus leaving me to deal with this alone.

    I feel so alone and I can't keep going at this pace and I have no where and nobody to turn to anymore. Every day I learn some new terrible thing prompting me to believe life is just cruel and tragically ironic in each and every way possible to me.

    I always thought the first person I'd have to deal with death with would be older... a grandpa or grandma... not my father, and to suicide no less... I have no tools for dealing with this kind of loss. My heart is aching and it can't go very far in comforting my brother or my mother either. I need some help or advice or anything.
  2. Cloudbreaker - my heart aches for you. But welcome to the forum, and do keep on posting to share your story. Surely nothing and no one can replace that one person who granted you unconditional acceptance (and with such a heavy burden as yours - however which you are NOT responsible for!). And it seems ironic to us as well that someone who had so many demons, could also offer such a wonderful thing as that. My own father was very abusive, and also committed suicide. However, he couldn't in any way offer anyone what you received, and hence, ended his life the way he'd lived it - completely full of bitterness.

    You are furthermore not responsible for the well-being of others, especially right now. It is not "selfish" to admit this - but rather "self-care", which is a wholesome endeavour. Sharing such tragedy with others is never easy, often even and especially with family members. Suicide is still very much an incomprehensibly taboo issue and subject. But please seek out resources in your community - they do indeed exist. Even such places as funeral homes now offer counselling for the bereaved when it comes to suicide. As well, the more you reach out, even if not successfully at first, they may likely be able to put you in touch with the resources you need.

    And yes, life can indeed be full of very bitter & cruel irony - I've been there. But you do NOT have to go through this alone! Do not seek to resolve it all at once. Grant yourself permisssion to take the "baby steps" you need --> This is not generally "taught" in our culture. But for myself, this was the only way I was able to slowly heal.