My father...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jjjoooggg2, Jun 30, 2009.

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  1. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    I don't know where to begin.

    I just think my whole life has been a bunch of lies.

    My father sent me to college to tell everyone that I graduated. But he never wanted me to use the degree. Not one time in my life did he ask me what I want to do. He told me not to major in business or engineering or become a teacher. He was mostly not there anyway. All my brother ever wanted was a violin. He was state level. But my father refused, even though my brother worked everyday since he was 12.

    I don't mind growing up getting nothing for christmas or birthday. I don't mind getting scolded every christmas. I don't mind him yelling on the telephone every night. Why does he insist on praying at the table when he is atheist and then tells us "you call that a prayer?" Why doesn't he pray for once. He says he's atheist, but he married my mother. Isn't marriage Christian.

    I'm 39 now, and he is saying that he needs me to run the restaurants. That's a lie. He exploded when I told him what I wanted to do. He abandoned my sister. He yelled at my brother till he died. He abandoned my grandfather when he was 24 till he died.

    No one in the city really knows what he is like, an ugly selfish man that I rarely saw growing up.

    One day he was trying put his fingers through the table saying I'm you father you do as your told. I didn't even say anything to provoke that. He likes to talk about private things in public. Even strangers get upset because children have to hear. He makes a scene in public restaurants. Because he does not care.

    I don't know what to believe when I listen to him.

    I remeber the story he told me that a girl in college told him "I'm not going to eat that steak." He is controlling. He told me to eat the fish eyeball for 5 minutes and then said I didn't have too. But the only thing he didn't do was shove it in my mouth.

    I'm beginning to believe that happiness will never come regardless of what happens anymore. I think that maybe, suicide is avoiding knowing that I'm living a lie everyday.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 30, 2009
  2. palmtrees

    palmtrees Well-Known Member

    Dude you're a grown man. Live your own life. If your father is so unpleasant then why even let him have so much contact with you? Do what you want.
  3. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    He insists that I eat with him every night to be a family. This is a big deal for him. He wants me to live with him and take care of him. Just tonight some stranger who said he knows my father's colleague said that children have to take care of parents before they die. I don't know why he said that.
  4. palmtrees

    palmtrees Well-Known Member

    Once again, it should be about what YOU want to do. Speaking personally, my father was a distant, alienating jerk while I was growing up. I had no interest in trying to please someone like that or letting him control my life. It sounds like you've tried to please your father as best as you can and nothing is ever going to be good enough for him. At some point you gotta realize you've done everything you can possibly do and now it's time for you to take care of YOU.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Wow, he is controlling :blink: He shouldn't have that control over you,you're 39! He's hardly going to change now, do what YOU want, ignore his demands. Its your life.
  6. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    You really need to break out from under him. The only way to stop him being so controlling is to show that you won't be controlled, stand up to him, tell him your a grown man and you will live you life the way you want to not the way he wants you to. It's your right, its your time to take control of your life. Good luck :hug:
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    It's time to break the strings.. Your a grown man and have the right to live your own life.. Tell your father you won't see him until he can become more civil.. You don't have to put up with his crap..
  8. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for everyonels support. Ilm scheduling a psychiatrist.
  9. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    If you still love your father, it's ok to tell him that too.

    Just be sure to tell him something like, Dad, I love you, but I have to take care of myself. I will help you whenever I am able, but I have to take care of me, now.
  10. bright1

    bright1 Well-Known Member

    Your post made me wonder how many of us have been damaged by parents who visit their own emotional problems on us from the time we're born.

    It must be very difficult even to imagine how you will be abe to stop, break away from him and go your own way. Can you even learn to be happy and healthy after all this time of being under your father's thumb?

    And yet I read all the time about people who have done just that. They get to a point when they realize that it's their parents who have all the problems, not them. They manage to stand up and decide that they're not going to take it anymore. They DO make that break and learn to be healthy and happy.

    You can do it too, I'm certain. I can't imagine how terrifying it is even to contemplate, but the reward for facing that terror will be so great. I hope that you're able to do it. I'm rooting for you.
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