I don't know where to begin. I just think my whole life has been a bunch of lies. My father sent me to college to tell everyone that I graduated. But he never wanted me to use the degree. Not one time in my life did he ask me what I want to do. He told me not to major in business or engineering or become a teacher. He was mostly not there anyway. All my brother ever wanted was a violin. He was state level. But my father refused, even though my brother worked everyday since he was 12. I don't mind growing up getting nothing for christmas or birthday. I don't mind getting scolded every christmas. I don't mind him yelling on the telephone every night. Why does he insist on praying at the table when he is atheist and then tells us "you call that a prayer?" Why doesn't he pray for once. He says he's atheist, but he married my mother. Isn't marriage Christian. I'm 39 now, and he is saying that he needs me to run the restaurants. That's a lie. He exploded when I told him what I wanted to do. He abandoned my sister. He yelled at my brother till he died. He abandoned my grandfather when he was 24 till he died. No one in the city really knows what he is like, an ugly selfish man that I rarely saw growing up. One day he was trying put his fingers through the table saying I'm you father you do as your told. I didn't even say anything to provoke that. He likes to talk about private things in public. Even strangers get upset because children have to hear. He makes a scene in public restaurants. Because he does not care. I don't know what to believe when I listen to him. I remeber the story he told me that a girl in college told him "I'm not going to eat that steak." He is controlling. He told me to eat the fish eyeball for 5 minutes and then said I didn't have too. But the only thing he didn't do was shove it in my mouth. I'm beginning to believe that happiness will never come regardless of what happens anymore. I think that maybe, suicide is avoiding knowing that I'm living a lie everyday.