my father

today i snapped pretty bad. i basically started screaming at my father at the home depot saying i will kill myself and that he makes me sick. its not even the first time i told him except this time i did it with people around, it just popped out. but theres no reaction from him.
i sat on the kitchen table with him when i was 14 with both of my arm sliced up and he never noticed shit.
he desperately looks for things to fight about. hes such an attention w**re. he does anything to have the last word, brings up old shit that has nothing to do with the subject hes bitching about, just to have a reason to scream. and he does it public.
he gets me so fucking mad like no one else. gets me raging and then leaves the situation, leaving me with my rage all to myself with no where to turn to. so i turn it against myself. i scratched my face infront of everyone today. my whole body got cramped up and i just wnated to scream and bang my head on the floor.
he does everything on purpose. critizes me, tells me how dissappointmed he is and how he feels like he no longer has a daughter.
he calls me on the phone, yells at me, tells me what i did wrong then hangs up. and where am i supposed to put my anger after that? so i throw things and hit myself bc it gotta go somewhere.
i tell myself to just shut up and leave it be so that everyone can see what an idiot he is but instead the words pop out of me and i scream back at him. and he takes all this shit out in public.
hes the biggest hypocrite ive ever seen. he is very messy and old and tells me i didnt do shit around the house while he never did anything. his attempts to teach me how to clean were throwing all my things around in the room, throwing everything off my desk and yelling "now clean this shit up". my mom passed when i was 7 so it was only him and me. we dont live together anymore but everytime we talk its garunteed(!) that we end up fighting. every fucking time.
and he blames me for everything. according to him i did not want to learn and he was powerless. holy fuck i was 7...are you really gonna use that? he makes himself the victim.
i dont even know where to start, its all a whole bunch of shit that has piled up in my head over the years. im just so fucking angry and dont know where to put it. but things never get better. we look like crackpots
its fine if no one respondes, i just wanted to say this

 

Read that what ive just put in bold and then read the rest of what you just said. It seems you purposely do everything just to get your dads attention.

 

i did want his attention when i was younger (14, i think thats what your mainly referring to)
after that i left him alone. i always stayed in my room, tried to talk to him as little as possible. after a while of not talking he always kept coming in my room hitting me, throwing and kicking everything around so HE would get attention.
i dont think i see how im trying to get his attention right now. im sick of being humiliated by him. i know me yelling back at him in public doesnt help but he gets me really mad and i dont wanna take his shit no more.
and from what ive seen your familiar with anger.

Edit: ok i see how saying id kill myself is attention seeky

@ wildcherry
i still try to talk to him peacefully from time to time. not living with him has really helped.

 

This was what i was referring to.

At the end of the day sounds like you have never actually sat down and talked or he might be too proud to talk about how hes feeling?

 

yes, hes either too proud or just unable to talk about his feelings. my dad is turning 80 in may, im 19.
i do understand that he grew up under certain circumstances
he cannot express himself. well besides violence.
i actually have tried to sit down and talk to him. i was friendly and calm and told him exactly how i felt. he listend but i dont think understood or maybe just blocked it out, stood up and left, leaving me desperate bc i couldnt have said it any better. i also wrote him a letter explaining myself, which he returned to me unopend. i really dont know what more i should do besides avoide him but then again its sad, i mean hes my father and i want to have a little bit of family

 

im so sorry things are tough for you just now, maybe you both just need some space just now and hopefully you will be able to talk again. love and hugs. susan.

 

:hugtackles:

Isnt it ironic that the ones that are supose to love and protect you are the ones that hurt you the most.

 

thank you susan
its nothing new though, its always been the same. just really cold, living under the same roof together. he has never been able to express affection. everything comes out in critizism and violence or he strictly ignores me but yet cant take being ignored himself. he made me cold as well. nothing will ever change, i just wanted to get it out
im sorry your not doing good, hope you take care

@ DIY
yeah it is, i stopped expecting him to "protect" me years ago. it made me somewhat cynical

 

pm me anytime, we can catch up hun. :hug: