My fault I feel this way - I hurt my friend and ruined my life

[moxman]

Hello Sam, I am Barry

I think you actually might be better off without your friend.

She put you in a terrible situation, by not telling you her husband found you attractive.

She knew you were very drunk and left you alone with him on purpose.

She secretly recorded you. Does she still have the recording?

To me, these are a lot of red flags. She sounds very manipulative and sneaky.

I feel like she set you up, maybe planned the whole thing?

You don't have a time machine, you can't change what has happened.

Forgive yourself and try to put this huge burden down.

Are you having racing thoughts or looping thoughts, that's why you're struggling so badly?

To me you sound like a very good person, you are kind and empathetic. Yes, you made a mistake, don't let this one dumb thing define you as a person.

Have you thought about seeing a therapist to help you during this rough time for you?

I wish you the best

 

[Sam2018]

Thank you for your replies.

I understand why you would think that about my friend, Barry. But she's never been manipulative at all and had only ever shown me love and support. I think her choosing to record the conversation was out if character for her (she'd been drinking too, so maybe she didn't realise how drunk I was).

I'm still on the NHS waiting list for CBT and I think it might be a while until I'm at the top. I'd also feel wrong about using NHS resources to talk about something that is my own fault. I have booked to see a private councillor though. I can't really afford it, so I probably won't have many sessions, but maybe it will help a bit.

I had my first day at my new job today. I wish I could say it went better than I'd expected, but unfortunately it didn't. I didn't understand most of what they were teaching me, I'd barely slept so I was so so tired and struggling to stay awake, and I think I burst blood vessels in my eyes from crying yesterday, because I woke up with one of them huge and puffy. I'm socially awkward and find small talk really difficult, especially when I'm tired, so meeting so many new people was really hard. Also, I have some health issues (digestive) that I thought I could cope with, but it's been bad today, and it's really embarrassing (I need to abruptly leave meetings/ training, etc.,) and it just makes me look weird. It's just so much to cope with all at once and I don't feel capable of doing this job, especially not with everything else going on. I don't even want to get out of bed.

Sorry, this reply was more of a rant than anything.

 

[Ash600]

Sam, first of all, NHS resources are for everyone, regardless if the need to utilise them is down to one's own fault or not. Which, for the the record, I don't think it is (your fault that is.) Although it might be a bit of a wait for CBT, there might be further resources available to you. The following link here provides telephone numbers of the help desk of the organisation Mind. They can help to find for you local services available to you within your area, even act as an advocate if need be. Also, there's loads of advice/info available which may be helpful for you to manage things better.

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/


Crying can obviously cause the eyes to puff up. If you wish to try to reduce the puffiness, then, fold a paper towel twice to make a neat square, then soak it in cold water. Press it lightly against your eyelids, for fifteen seconds each. Look upward and place the towel just beneath your lower lashes, pressing gently for another fifteen seconds on each eye. Or applying a cold washcloth might help as well.

Sorry that you had a hard time at work today. As an idea, would you consider having a quiet word with your line manager in private, explaining that you've got some personal issues going on at the moment which is affecting you healthwise so that maybe some allowances could be made for you?

Also, don't worry about ranting, this is one of the benefits of this place to let off steam. So vent as much as you need.

Hope tomorrow is an easier day for you.

 

[moxman]

Thank you for your replies.

I understand why you would think that about my friend, Barry. But she's never been manipulative at all and had only ever shown me love and support. I think her choosing to record the conversation was out if character for her (she'd been drinking too, so maybe she didn't realise how drunk I was).

I'm still on the NHS waiting list for CBT and I think it might be a while until I'm at the top. I'd also feel wrong about using NHS resources to talk about something that is my own fault. I have booked to see a private councillor though. I can't really afford it, so I probably won't have many sessions, but maybe it will help a bit.

I had my first day at my new job today. I wish I could say it went better than I'd expected, but unfortunately it didn't. I didn't understand most of what they were teaching me, I'd barely slept so I was so so tired and struggling to stay awake, and I think I burst blood vessels in my eyes from crying yesterday, because I woke up with one of them huge and puffy. I'm socially awkward and find small talk really difficult, especially when I'm tired, so meeting so many new people was really hard. Also, I have some health issues (digestive) that I thought I could cope with, but it's been bad today, and it's really embarrassing (I need to abruptly leave meetings/ training, etc.,) and it just makes me look weird. It's just so much to cope with all at once and I don't feel capable of doing this job, especially not with everything else going on. I don't even want to get out of bed.

Sorry, this reply was more of a rant than anything.

Me again =)

You don't need to apologize for talking while you are here. Please rant and rave and scream and yell all you want here. This place is a ’safety valve’ to let loose. Trust me, when I have a bad night I rant and rave also. I feel like it is much healthier to let it out here safely, then holding it in.

Feel free to read my links in my signature, there is my story, a couple of rants and I talk about my health issues.

Feel free to ask me any questions you may have. I'm an open book.

Do me a favor and stop beating yourself up. (I know easier to say than do)

Can you describe your thought process is like that is causing you so much stress? (I will never judge you)

Tell me about your new job. I am too sick to work, I find people’s jobs interesting.

I also have digestive issues. I have Ulcerative Colitis or Crohn’s disease or both....? I don't think they really know. Trust me I totally understand running out the room and dashing to the bathroom. I keep an emergency bag in my car or with me at all times. (change of clothes, wipes, and gallon size plastic bags (for dirty clothes) ) I can't control what happens sometimes, but I can be prepared for it when/if it does.

I'm socially awkward as F, I have a stutter that makes talking even more difficult some days. What I started doing is writing down conversation starters at. night so I wouldn't have to think on my feet starting a conversation. I try to stay positive.

Maybe write your friend a letter telling her how you feel, would help you find peace?

 

[Sam2018]

Thanks again.

I did what you advised today, Ash, regarding the paper towel. I think it did help as I cried a lot and my eyes weren't as puffy.

Today has been awful. I kept needing to go to the bathroom again as I was job shadowing and the supervisor came over (she was being very nice) and said that I'm obviously not feeling too well today, so I could go home if I wanted to. This was about 30 minutes into the day. Loads of people were around and would have heard and I felt like I couldn't just say 'no actually this is what I will be like every single day as my body hates me' and I was nearly crying, so I just said 'ok' and went home. Now if I admit in the future that I didn't actually have a bug or something, then they'll be mad that I went home.

I have suspected UC but it hasn't been confirmed. I had some tests a while ago which showed inflammation but then it went down. They said I might have it but as my symptoms aren't *that* bad at the moment, they don't want to do anymore invasive tests. I'll be honest, and if you don't want too much info then please don't read this next bit, but my main problem is gas. I've seen doctors and dieticians about it, I've followed various diets (including FODMAP) but while they reduce it, they can't get rid of it completely. And I don't seem to be able to hold it for long. So if, for example, I'm in a meeting and get gas, I need to leave. And in this new job I'll need to lead some meetings, so I can't leave. Today I needed to leave multiple times. It's so so embarrassing.

In my last job, I wasn't relied on really. It was very relaxed. I could have as many bathroom breaks as I wanted. I didn't need to attend many meetings and as I wasn't leading them, I was able to leave. I don't know why I thought I could do this job with this problem. I think I just wanted to believe that I could, so I tricked myself into believing it. And now because I didn't disclose to them that I have a medical condition, they might be angry with me if I tell them, or even get rid of me if they're allowed. And if I'm not able to do the job because of it, then they probably are allowed.

Every day I wake up I feel ok for about 10 seconds then I remember what happened with my friend and I feel low again. Then I go to work tired as I've not been able to sleep. Then I can't pick things up and the tiredness makes it worse. Then my body starts being a d**k. Then I worry about what people think of me (that I'm weird, stupid, awkward, etc.).

I've always worried about what people think of me, but I had finally reached a point in my life when I was able to think 'my friends and family like me, and that's what matters'. But now my best friend doesn't like me - actually, I probably can't call her my best friend anymore. And a lot of others don't like me because of this. And so when I think people at work don't like me, it hurts even more. And I only have my bf to talk it over with and he's starting to get irritated with it. Obviously what happend hurt him too, so while he trusts me and doesn't think it makes me a bad person, he doesn't exactly want to talk about it, which is obviously understandable.

Every day is such a struggle right now.

 

[Ash600]

Glad that the towel trick helped with your eyes, Sam

Don't worry about discussing your suspected UC and associated symptoms, I work in healthcare so these things won't faze me in the slightest. Sorry to hear that you could have UC, I imagine that the stress you are under could be exacerbating the symptoms for you, for which you have my sympathies for. Maybe make an appoinment with the doc perhaps to look into this further and see what further options are available to you?
In terms of them getting rid of you based on your medical condition, that is a bit of a grey area as employement law provides a level of protection to employees suffering from medical conditons as allowances should be made to them by the employer. Normally, I think it should be disclosed before the offer of employment (don't quote me on that) however, considering as you've said, UC is only suspected and not yet fully confirmed, it can be argued that there's nothing to disclose. But that's possibly something to look into at a later stage if needed.

It seems that things are obviously still raw for you, hence why you're finding things to be such a struggle at the moment. I know it's a cliche, but give it time and then hopefully the intensity of these emotions and the pain will begin to recede. Hopefully soon, you will get some success in finding a counsellor for you to talk things over with and try to make some sense and take back control of how you have been feeling.

 

[moxman]

Hello Sam

actually I have the opposite problem with gas. I can only pass gas if I lay down somewhere, that is on its own set of ‘lovely’ issues. Sometimes the gas causes me very bad pain.

I’ve been prescribed Smithcone chews for that in the past. I don’t feel like it helped me, but maybe it would help you? You chew them up before you eat. They don’t taste too god awful.

I’m sure all the stress you have been under is causing your symptoms to be much worse .

Are you seeing any kind of doctor to help you with your symptoms?

Do you do any kind of mindfulness excercises or yoga to unwind?

One issue I have is when I get very depressed or upset it’s like my mind kicks into overdrive and I start focusing on bad things A LOT and it just makes me more and more upset. I have to break the cycle, by repeating stuff in my head or verbally like song lyrics or I repeat stuff like “water is wet, grass is green, the sky is blue” over and over again. As amazing and wonderful as our brains are they can only focus on one thing at a time. So I have to take control of what my brain is focusing on and divert it somewhere else.

I don’t have anyone here I can talk too. So if I’m having a rough night (we all have bad nights and good nights) I have to ‘fix’ myself.
I hope you are well and are having a better day than yesterday .

 

[Sam2018]

Sorry I've taken so long to reply. Things have been really hectic with my new job and I've been trying (and failing) to forget about everything else and just focus on that. It's not going great. I don't have any experience in a job like this and when I was offered it I had 4 weeks before starting to learn the basics. But because of everything that has happened, I didn't. I couldn't concentrate on anything and still can't. So now I'm failing at my job, I look weirdly quiet to everyone (feel so low and anxious that I'm struggling to make small talk, which I'm terrible at anyway), and my stomach has just been a pain.

I've seen numerous doctors, gastroenterologists and a dietician about it but all of the medication I've taken and diets I've followed don't seem to help. I have started taking activated charcoal and that seems to have helped a bit. Well it's either that or because I haven't really been eating breakfast or lunch.

I've broken up from work for 10 days now (I work at a university) so I have a bit of time before I go back. It's just really hard because, as I think I mentioned, we were supposed to be going to my friend's house on Christmas day, but now it's just me, my bf and my son for half the day (my son will be going to his dad's for the other half). I'm obviously very grateful to have them, but it's going to be so different to what we had planned.

I'm off social media (FB) at the moment but yesterday I went on Snapchat for the first time in a while. I saw that a friend of my friend posted a few pictures with my friend's husband. Hee looked really happy and carefree and had ever put a lot of effort into his Christmas outfit. He had a beer in this hand and he looked like he was having a great time. Meanwhile, I'm here unable to sleep, unable to eat properly, struggling with giving up alcohol, and struggling to even take care of my appearance.

My friend said she doesn't want to meet up to talk about things until after the new year.

I went to see a private councellor for an initial assessment. But now he said he's not working until 4th Jan. I also had my NHS CBT appointment through and that is on 5th January. They can't move it any closer. So I've got another week and a half before I can speak to anyone. I just don't know what to do between now and then.

 

[moxman]

Hello Sam =)

It sounds like your friend and her husband, have moved past the mistake both of you made.

I'm glad you have this break at work. Hopefully, you can rest some and return to work in a better emotional place. Maybe spend some time going over notes or training materials to grasp a better understanding of the job? So you will feel more confident when you return.

I hate that your friend is delaying meeting you and talking with you for such a long time. Maybe when you do meet her, write down what you would like to say to her? What would you like to hear from her?

Any big plans for the holidays with your BF?

How are your tummy issues? Mine is ok, had a lot of tests done and everything looks fine but no ideas what is causing my pains.

I hope you are well and don't cause too much mischief

 

[Sam2018]

Hi Barry.

I thought that my friend might be trying to move past it too. But then she called me the other night at 2am while drunk. She was talking at first but then started screaming at me at the top of her lungs, saying that she can't believe I've done this and that no matter how drunk I was, I should have known to say no and that she is 100% sure that she would never do that to me. She said she can't see a way past it and that we have both lost a soul mate because of it. She also said that she only wants to speak to me when she's had a drink and that when she's sober she doesn't. And actually, she hasn't spoken to me since it happened while she's been sober.

She also said she's been questioning whether I have been "playing" on how drunk I was (she was drunk too so maybe she didn't realise how drunk I was). And she thinks maybe I lied about not remembering much. That hurts more. If she can't forgive what I did, I can accept that. I would be hard, but I'd have to. But I'm struggling to accept that she is now judging my whole character, even when who I am when sober. She's known me for 15 years and in that time, prior to this, I'd never hurt her and she knows that. I've never been a lier or manipulative or anything along those lines. I'd only ever been supportive and caring. I suppose that's why this has hurt her more. But it is difficult to think that this has made her think that I'm a completely different person to the one she's known all that time.

I will force myself to read my notes and read up on the job between now and when I go back. My stomach has been ok, thank you.

Me and my bf were supposed to be going to my friend's for Christmas, so we're just at home. Just want it to be over now.

How about you, what are your plans?

 

[moxman]

Hey you, it was good to hear from you

I'm glad your tummy is doing better. I know when I get sick, all I want to do is sleep or play on my phone. Thankfully, I'm doing somewhat better.

Tonight went to my moms and saw her side of the family. Gift exchange, kids loved their gifts.

Tomorrow I'm going to my ex-wife and give my daughter her gifts in the parking lot. (my ex is a nightmare, very mentally ill.)

Maybe this is something your friend simply can not get past? If she only calls you after she's been drinking, then that says a lot.

What may have happened is, the husband turned it all around on you? You were the aggressor and he was the ’angel’.

Your friend is stuck trying to choose who to believe her husband or her best friend? Believing her husband hurts less than not believing him and facing the truth about him?

It's easier for her to blame you because you are the bestie and not her hubby?

Maybe deep down she does believe you, that's why she calls you after drinking??

Does any of that make sense?

I feel like this relationship is becoming toxic and maybe it's time to step away from this to protect yourself? you don't deserve to become her emotional ’punching bag’.

I had a really good friend for a long time in high school and afterward. I did something I should not have (I fell in love with her, while she was in love with my brother. Yeah, that was a mess) it became too much and we didn't talk for a while but we became friends again.

You sound like a really awesome person. If she can't see that, then maybe she does not deserve to have someone as awesome as you in her life?

I hope you are well across the pond. Don't do anything I would do =) be kind to yourself

 

[Sam2018]

I see what you mean and I did think that at first. But she said that she places more blame on her husband because he was the one who initiated it and I was the one who said no a few times (but apparently my 'no's didn't sound serious. She also said that her husband has said to her that he thinks she should forgive me, but she said she saw that as him 'taking my side'. I told her that I think it's just the case that he doesn't want her to lose her best friend.

This whole thing is so messed up. I feel so hopeless. There's nothing I can ever do to take this meaningless drunk mistake back. I have quit drinking. I have apologised. I can't do anything else but she'll still never move past it and I can't cope with it. This is the first Christmas in my life that I've woken up and just wanted to go back to sleep. My son isn't here yet (his dad's bringing him soon) but having to fake happiness all day is so tough. I just want to sit in a dark room and never leave.

 

[moxman]

How old is your son?

I honestly don't see what else you can do. You have apologized and taken ownership of the problem and you made a lifestyle change so this doesn't happen again.

I feel like you have done your part, it is up to your friend to do her part. Maybe she simply is not able to do it at this time?

Yes, you made a mistake and you have beaten yourself up over it every day because of it. But if your friend can not move past it, there nothing else you can do.

Your friend is being emotionally abusive and you don't deserve that.

She should be an adult either forgive you or end the friendship. This ’limbo’ you are in now is hurting you.

Have fun with your son.

Merry Christmas girly =)

 

[Sam2018]

My son's 11. He lives with me for half of the week.

I guess there is nothing else I can do. But when this first happened I sent her message saying that I love her and I'd be there for her even if it's just to shout at me. So now I need to at least keep to that. I didn't realise it would be this tough though. I don't think she's doing it to be mean or vengeful. I think she's just hurt and it hurt that she's lost me I just wish she didn't feel like she had to lose me.

Thanks again for replying to me Merry Christmas

 

[Sam2018]

Fuck. I feel so lonely. As I said, I was supposed to be going to my friend's today, until this happened. So I've spent it with my boyfriend, son and my mum for some of the day. My son went a few hours ago, my bf if in bed and has been for hours (he always goes to bed early) and I'm here with my mum. We just don't get on and have nothing in common. I keep trying but we just don't.

I have generalised anxiety disorder. I've had it since I was at least 7/8, but I only talked about it to someone when I was 24, which is when I was diagnosed.

My mum has always kind of made fun of my anxieties. She doesn't do it to be mean, but she thinks they're 'silly'. I've explained to her that I can't help it but I'm trying to, but she still can't refrain from rolling her eyes.

I tried to open up a bit more tonight about how I've been feeling and even how I felt before this happened, and she said "how can you have such deep thoughts, I don't think about anything that much". It's true. All she watches on TV is soap operas. She only reads magazines. She has no idea about what is happening in the world. She doesn't have much of a personality. She doesn't even listen to music. I put YouTube on and asked her to pick something and she said 'music? I don't know, I listen to whatever is on the radio'. My friend's family are completely different and get on well together and communicate with each other, and they included me. I felt like I had a family.

My childhood was quite difficult. I remember I used to think really deeply when in primary school. I was really timid and really awkward and didn't know how to 'think the same as other kids' (that was what I thought at the time). I went to a rough primary school and was bullied quite horribly. Their words were so disgusted that I don't even want to repeat them now. They made me fight a couple of times. They mocked me when I cried. I didn't tell anyone about any of this. But my parents never asked me how my day was. Ever.

So when I try to open up about how I feel now and my mum says things like 'I don't really even remember my childhood, it was pretty normal', it just doesn't help.

Childhood was horrible but as I got older (around 14) I met my best friend. She supported me and pulled me out of some really dark places. She was the only one who took the time to understand me. And now, 15 years later, I betrayed her. I love her so much and I hurt her. I can't believe I did that - I don't even remember it. Argh. Why?! I'm such a fucking idiot.

I'm so stupid. I can't believe I've messed everything up so badly.

 

[moxman]

Maybe it's time to rescind the offer of her yelling at you? She's just hurting you and that's BS. Right now everything is in her control, there's not much more you can do. Maybe just give her say two weeks and then reach out to her? After a certain period of time if she can't move past what happened, then just let her go. I know it will suck and it will be painful, but you being her emotional punching bag is just hurting you and she's not trying to resolve the issue is not fair to you.

Have you ever heard the term codependent? https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency

I'm this way. I have problems setting healthy boundaries with people.

I feel like I understand in part where you are coming from.

I had a rough childhood. My mom is a narcissistic person. She's hurt me worse than the asshats at school ever could. I was bullied also because I stuttered and had no self-confidence.

I met my best friend in 10th grade. I was 17 (?). She helped me so much.

It sounds like both of us don't really have anyone in our lives we can really talk too. It sounds your mom is not ’wired’ to be the supportive and caring person you need right now.

I am also very lonely, I am surrounded by people but I wear a mask and no one knows the person underneath the mask. They would never understand so why waste my time telling them?

11-year-old boys are so full of mischief. It's a fun age. My son turns 20 in three days, damn I am getting old. =)

How have you been with your boyfriend?

What kind of music do you like? What's your favorite song right now? I like a UK punk/rock n roll band called The Struts, Body Talks or Could Have Been Me.

Be kind to yourself.

 

[Sam2018]

Sucks, doesn't it. Sorry to hear you feel that way too.

Do you see much of your son or has he moved away?

My boyfriend and I are fine. He supports me completely and still says that he knows what I did was completely out of character. He really just wants my friend to let me back in her lif because he thinks she should but also because he misses me (I haven't really been me since this).

My bf actually played The Struts a few months ago and that's the first I'd heard of them. I like them too now! Haven't been listening to music since this happened but before this I liked indie rock sorta stuff.

I mainly try to just watch comedy shows now. I don't laugh at the moment (how fun do I sound?!) But I find it lightens my mood momentarily. Do you watch much TV?

 

[moxman]

My son lives with me. He has cognitive impairments and will probably always live with me. I have repressed anger towards my son and I really don't know how to deal with it.

I really don't want to be a daddy for my whole life. But with my son, it appears I will always be that.

I live with my dad who has a terminal illness, congestive heart failure, and my son.

I see my daughter every day after school from 3-6 ns then every other weekend. She is a mini version of me, she is the funniest person I know. We are such nerds.

Do you listen to a band called Die Artwood? They are a South African techno band. They have a song called Alien that really describes me. My kids hate them, you've been warned. =)

It sounds like your BF and you have a really good thing going. That's fantastic, I am happy for you.

I like to watch The Graham Norton Show or the late late show with James Corden; both are simply hilarious. Sometimes I watch funny stuff on youtube of animal or children bloopers.

In 2015 my depression was really bad. I went into a psych hospital for a month because I was suicidal. Then I found SF and they have been a huge help.

Around the time I was admitted to the hospital, I have lost interest in a lot of things I used to be interested in. Some of that was TV shows and watching sports and I can't do love songs. I listen mostly to heavy metal or punk rock to numb my feelings sometimes. I wonder if these interests will ever return.

So what is your major in university? How long until you finish?

I am too ill to work anymore. It sucks but it is what it is.

Ttyl =)

 

[Sam2018]

Sorry to hear about your dad, and that you're struggling with the situation with your son. It's nice that you describe your daughter as a mini version of you. I see my son as a mini version of me, too. I'm glad to hear that SF has really helped you.

I'm not studying at university, I have recently started a job there. I've never done anything like this before and I don't know what I'm doing. I'm also worrying that I'm going to get fired if I can't pull myself together soon.

At the moment, everything is so difficult. I love my son so much and I know that if anything bad happened to me he would be devastated. It's so tough though. On the days he isn't here, I try to sleep as much as possible because when I'm dreaming is the only time I'm happy. Even when I have a nightmare, it's not as bad as how I feel right now. I struggle to get to sleep, but I force myself back to sleep once I've woken up, which then obviously makes it harder to sleep at night.

I don't even feel like me anymore. I used to be cheery and a bit weird but OK with it. It's really weird but since this happened back in November, when I haven't been at work, I've only worn a couple of outfits. The rest of the clothes I have (the ones I used to like the most) I don't want to wear. They don't feel like mine. Like it's not me anymore. I wear the same jeans and a hoodie each day now, that's all. I don't really wear makeup anymore, or make an effort with my hair. When I go to work I make some effort but when I'm not there, I don't.

It's so hard to think that I've hurt and lost someone so close to me and it's all my own fault. My stupid actions have caused all of this. I'll never forgive myself and it's too hard to accept that this is my life now. No matter where I go, or what I do, or who I meet, this can never be undone. I will always carry around this sadness and self-hate. I'm not sure how to possibly function normally again. I just want it all to stop. This sounds so selfish because I should only be thinking about how my friend feels, not how I feel. But I just want to be the person I was again, not just for me, but for my son. Even though I try to hold it together, he can tell something's up. It's not fair to him. I should be able to pull it together.

 

[Yodadan84]

She set you up. I wonder why she's not mad at her husband too....

Excellent response... Who's the REAL villian(s) in this situation??? A drunken mistake is one thing, but I would say good riddance to those who play mind games. I mean, what kind of fuckin' husband would do or say those things anyway?! And would a friend 'set up' another friend? Get real