My Fault

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Lexicon, Sep 13, 2010.

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  1. Lexicon

    Lexicon Well-Known Member

    I just had a blowout with my mother. I have just been informed that my eating disorder of 7 years is my fault, that I am currently "messing about" with food and now that the "attention from anti-depressants has faded you need a new way to get attention".

    I can't do this anymore. What the hell is POINT of living when my mother no longer loves me because of something I'm fighting every single second of my life, and the one thing I love in my life (college) is the threat she's holding over my head. Not as recovery, but as a literal threat. She wants to terrify me and she's succeeding, but I just don't want to live like this. I'm harming again, I'm throwing up again, I'm not eating again, I'm exercising every second I'm conscious and I don't even want to sleep any more because I'm not burning calories. And I look at myself and just cry, literally just look at myself and burst into tears. There is nothing good about myself. I almost drowned myself in the bath the other day, but was interrupted when I thought my parents were coming upstairs.

    There is no reason, no point left. I want to die now. I just don't think I can fight any more, it's been too many years. Everyone I know says I'm far older than my years. Clearly I've grown old. Maybe it's my time mentally, even if my body doesn't agree. I wonder sometimes whether anybody would miss me.

  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    of course they would all miss you why do you think your mother is trying so hard to get you well. It is hell for everyone of the family when one is so ill. You need to get you pdoc to admitt you to hospital to get you stabilized so you can do well in college. you can't succeed if you are waisting away
  3. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    Your mother is wrong. Completely.

    It pains me to know that someone is treating you like that because of your ED, even if she doesn't realize the harm she is doing you.
  4. Lexicon

    Lexicon Well-Known Member

    Hi. Thank you both for your replies.

    Violet - I know this is hard on her, it's hard on my whole family. I was in a terrible place when I posted last night, worst I've been in a while - it becomes so easy to forget the reasons I don't kill myself when those feelings consume me. I've had so many conversations with her, one where I even told her that the most painful thing she could say to me was that this was my fault, or even insinuate that I'm not fighting or not trying. That's what hurts. I know she just wants me to be safe and well, but things like that always have historically made me backslide and it just plays on every fear, paranoia and sense of self-hatred and magnifies them. I don't feel bad for ME, I feel so much worse for what I'm putting them under - it's why the comment hurts, its the thought that I'm hurting my whole family and it's MY FAULT. My 15 year old sister is my entire world, I love her more than anything. She is the reason I'm still here talking to you - I can't bear the thought of hurting her, and no matter what she feels about me I know that death hits everybody. If I died, she would be so hurt and I CANNOT hurt her. My family mean the world to me. That's why it hurts so much to hear my mother say that. Because the only thing I want in this universe is for this to go away so life can just continue and be normal without me stuffing up everybody's lives. If there was a way to just vanish and pretend I never existed, that would be easier - dying would hurt them, if I never existed in the first place than they would have been spared so much pain.

    Also, I don't know who to talk to get stabilised. I've been in counselling for my ED, and I'm on a low dose of AD's. I'm scared of asking to up the dosage, mainly because my mother will have to sign off on it as I'm under 18 and that will mean yet more asides about how "normal people" don't need AD's.

    Adam - Thank you for your reply. I wish there was some way of knowing that this isn't my fault, that I could be free of this some day. Part of me knows that it isn't me being malicious, that I am trying so hard... and yet I don't even know what's going on in my head any more so how could I possibly know whether I should be able to fight this?!

    I know I need help, I just don't know how to get started or really do anything. Yesterday was a seriously bad reaction I know... but I came so close to seriously hurting myself before I even reached the point where I could think rationally. I'm so glad I posted here, just because some replies gave the kick to just stop and think and calm down.

    Thank you both so much for replying. It means so much, I can't tell you.

  5. Drifter

    Drifter Well-Known Member

    I hate it when you said you look at yourself and cry, too many times and too many of us do that. I still do that and I hate the feeling. Your sister and college are something that you love in your life and are something that you should hold onto. Your mom just doesnt understand as my own mom doesnt either in many things that i do. I hope you take it one day at a time and get better, talking about your feelings and whats going on helps.
  6. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi lex
    I am so very deeply sorry. I know a wonderful girl whose name is the same as yours who has an ED and its sooooooooo hard for her. OF course its not you. That I know for sure. Its horrible for her. Excruciating. I am so impressed that you try with all your might to fight this whenever you can. Because its a bruital disease.

    you wrote : "I'm scared of asking to up the dosage, mainly because my mother will have to sign off on it as I'm under 18 and that will mean yet more asides about how "normal people" don't need AD's."

    I am wondering if you can find a therapist to talk with your mom. Because its important for her to understand that Anti depressants are not a sign of weakness, or for that matter abnormality. Not at all. Some very very "normal" powerful and intelligent people in the world are on them.

    Perhaps your mom needs, for her own purposes to be in denial of her own stuff. But thats hers. and not yours. You are strong. You are facing this. And I know you sure do not feel strong. No one who is dealing with the throws of an ED feels strong unless they are completely under its spell of illusion.

    So I ask again, do you think it would be possible to find a threrapist who can talk with your mom? Or better, somehow get her in to family counselling? Because she is misled about what's "normal". would it be possible to seek the help of a school counseller about this? I really hope so. Because this is a hugeeeeeeeeee thing you are grappling with alone. And i commend you that you are not completely giving in to its grip of illusion and deceipt. I believe she loves you Lex, I have a feeling that perhaps her ability to love, in geneal, is a bit limited. Just know there are people here who care about you. And you can count me amongst them. You are worth it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 15, 2010
  7. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    I'm glad I could help someone, in some way. :cold:
  8. Genoseid

    Genoseid Banned Member

    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 18, 2010
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