My Federal Proposal

Discussion in 'The Coffee House' started by Clockwork Reality, Aug 30, 2009.

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  1. Clockwork Reality

    Clockwork Reality Well-Known Member

    This is intended for entrtainment purposes only!

    Dear Mr. Congressperson;

    I would like to first start off this letter by thanking you for the excellent job you do representing our state. Granted, it is a state of fear and paranoia, but it is a state regardless.

    I’d like to take this time to propose a bill to you, and I would appreciate it if you would take the time to read this proposal through in its entirety. You’ve no doubt noticed that we have an incredible number of social ills that currently plague our society. School shootings. Teenage pregnancy. Drug use. Lowering bust lines and raising skirt hems in the girls’ clothing section. The McDonald’s Dollar Menu.

    A number of programs, both public and private, have implemented policies to try to combat this growing tide of dissent and social paranoia. But while it may mitigate the problem for a while, I’m reminded of the little Dutch boy with his finger in the dike.

    But I’ve been thinking about it long and hard. My solution is simple, and it’s a bill that only you can push through Congress. I call it the “Immolate Stupidity” bill.

    Yes, Mr. Congressman, you read that correctly. I did not misuse the word “eliminate.” I fully desire to burn down everything I disagree with.

    The basic premise of this bill is that I, and ten people of my choice, are given portable flame throwers and federal permission to immediately immolate anything and everyone that we find stupid, redundant, unnecessary, annoying or merely irritating.

    There are numerous advantages to this bill. First and foremost is the immediate reduction of social ills. I can guarantee you that, under the “Immolate Stupidity” bill, we will see a 100% reduction in the number of:

    1.) Rap music production studios
    2.) Inmates on death row
    3.) People waiting in line at Taco Bell that obviously don’t need any more goddamn Taco Bell
    4.) Starbuck’s opening across the street from another Starbuck’s
    5.) Lines at the post office
    6.) CEOs requesting federal bailouts
    7.) Loud people who go to Barnes and Noble to play collectable trading card games while I’m trying to find a book to read
    8.) DMVs. ALL of them.
    9.) Star Wars products
    10.) iPod commercials

    Additionally, I anticipate an upturn in the economy as more and more people invest in fire insurance.

    And we must also consider the social deterrent of such a bill. Under the “Immolate Stupidity” bill, there wouldn’t be a need for rehabilitative measures in law enforcement. I’m sure that you remember the unfortunate debacle with your summer intern last year whom you assigned to handle correspondence with constituents. If I recall correctly, he received a DUI after running a red light and had to be removed from your campaign. Mr. Congressperson, I want you to close your eyes and imagine this:

    You’re a young person, about twenty-one years old, and it’s your birthday. You’ve run a red light, and there’s an angry old man waving his cane at you for nearly hitting him. You’re wondering what you’re going to do, because there’s a dent in the fender of the government car from where you hit the fire hydrant, and your boss is going to be pissed. In your drunken state, you’re still working on a cover story.

    But all of a sudden, this totally awesome guy wearing a flame-retardant black suit shows up with a flamethrower, and he burns down your fucking car. Are you going to want to get drunk and drive again? No? Didn’t think so.

    Now, I can understand that you might have concerns about how this may contradict the First Amendment, the Freedom of Speech and the Freedom of Expression. I can assure you that this bill will protect my First Amendment Rights very well.

    Mr. Congressman, I encourage you to embrace this proposal and add it to your campaign for your next election bid. What will the competition say when you tell the voters that you will immolate crime, drugs, and ensure the peace through sticky-sweet napalm? Your competition will be so intimidated that they’ll abandon the campaign, and might even leave the country. It’s a definite thing. Next election day, don’t go for the easy answer. Go for immolation.

    If, by some stretch of the imagination, you elect to not pursue my proposed bill, I hope you will at least give consideration to my last proposal. If you don’t recall, it was my suggestion to have a federal holiday for Batman.

    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 30, 2009
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    OMG, that was a riot. You got my vote!

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