It doesn't matter what happens to me, or how things turn out, or whatever far-off plans I might create someday for myself. Nothing gives me any pleasure, and I know that there is no future I want. I could be given all the lavish pleasures in the world, all the appreciation for my character, and it wouldn't matter. The only way to force me to feel well is through drugs, although for now I'm relying on rather heavy doses of antidepressants and antipsychotics, and a lot of sleeping aids because of my awful insomnia. External circumstances don't mean anything. Only chemicals that literally force me to feel good are capable. I'm so successful, so gifted, so good at what I do, so socially skilled with everyone, and I'm paid exceptionally well for a job I'm naturally good at with people who support me with their lives. I can't place value in any of it, so it makes no difference. Achievement somehow only makes me feel worse, and even less able to take any pleasure out of anything. I just can't seem to create anything out of life that I want. I don't want anything, just to die and let it be done with so I don't have to keep feeling this daily, chronic anhedonia that never goes away.