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My Fiance threatens almost every day...I need help...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Sowon, Jun 10, 2016.

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  1. Sowon

    Sowon Member

    Hi all. I'm extremely new (First post!) first off, I'd like to say I read the rules, and the avatar is not me, it's a celebrity just to be clear xD I didn't see anything against celeb pics...Anyway,
    I've been engaged for one month. My Fiance is from and lives in Korea, as of right now. (Most of my friends are Korean or Korean-American.) Everything was amazing at the beginning of our relationship, but since he proposed it's been...different...Yes, we have met, and we talk on the phone every day, if not we're texting. He's pretty good at English, but there's times he doesn't understand what I'm saying, or misunderstands. He tends to get hostile when he doesnt understand me (lately) - it usually ends with him telling me to shut up, tacking on some kind of insulting name. Today it was "psycho" which was just too far for me. In my life, I'm under immense pressure, and every aspect has to do with him (Not placing blame. It's just facts...) for example, I need to marry him by October in order for him to avoid the draft into the Korean Army. This is almost impossible, since I have $122 to my name, and I need at least $1,200. I have no job, so to get the money I've been staying up as late as 4AM applying to jobs, and also studying every day for my GED test, just to get a job...Just to name a few examples.
    Anyway, here's my point...When I met him, he had plans to kill himself a few months after, but I basically "Gave him a reason to live" as he says. After he goes on his rampage (Such as calling me psycho because he didn't understand why I see a therapist) he gets guilty, and apologizes, and then starts saying how he's better off dead. This isn't the worst part. I'm the only reason he's alive right now. And if I leave him, he'll kill himself. If I don't get to Korea in time, he'll kill himself before he's able to get drafted. He reminds me of this nearly every day, in some way.
    Everyone is now telling me he's being emotionally and verbally abusive. My friends (Literally all of them), family, and therapist are urging me to break up with him. I expressed to him how stressful and distressing it is to know that the only reason another person is alive is because of you. And how it feels knowing that if he dies, it's on my shoulders. I can't continue doing this. It's way too much. But I can't break up with him...But if we get married, he's only going to kill himself sooner or later there's no stopping it.
    My therapist wants me to get one of my friends in Korea to call 911 with his address after I break up with him to make sure he's safe...But the coward in me just wants to run away, tell him goodbye as he sleeps, and block all forms of communication but that just guarantees his death, and i do NOT want him to die...I love him. I love him more than I've loved anyone but no matter what I can't let him blame me for his death, I can't stay in this abusive relationship. I wish I didn't care, but I do. I wish I didn't have to go to the extent of giving his address to a friend so they can call 911 for me. I'm scared it won't even be fast enough. I REALLY wish I could just disappear from his life...I'm coward enough to do it. I care more though, not to...
    I just don't know what to do....Either way, even if this plan saves him this time, he's persistent enough to keep trying until he succeeds. Which is what makes me feel like whether 911 is called for him, or I just leave without a word, it won't make a difference in the end, other than the fact that if I don't call 911 it'll sit on my conscience for the rest of my life.......I feel like a horrible person doing this....I've been listening to sad kpop songs all night. Which makes me feel better. But not significantly...I don't know what I'll do if I find out he's dead...
  2. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    First off, Sowon, welcome to the forum :)

    I just wanted to say, it is not your fault, and never will be your fault, in any way shape or form, if your fiance decides to take his own life. That is his decision and solely his decision. The fact that he is placing blame on you and saying you are the only reason he stays alive is manipulative and it is unhealthy. I've had people say that to me before, but I won't tolerate it. There's no reason for him to verbally abuse and berate you, no matter how badly he may be feeling. If you decide to marry him, there is a good chance this behavior may continue. I know you love him deeply, but sometimes you need to let go and do what is best for you. I think that getting in contact with someone who can help him and breaking off the relationship will be the best solution for the both of you.
    betteroffunknown likes this.
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. The situation as you ruled by your heart and not your head. You are every emotionally attached to him and no doubt you are hurting from the love you feel for him. Your boyfriend is emotionally abusing you and that's not right.

    He has no right to demand you to control your life. I know your hurting and in so much turmoil but you need to take the advice of friends. It seems that your boyfriend might be suffering himself as he does not want to join the army. It's not fair of him on putting you in such an emotional tormenting position. I am sorry if I come across horrible but I trying to be honest with you and not trying to add stress you are already feeling.

    You know we care here and you will find support here. Please keep posting here and most important be safe. Take care please.
    betteroffunknown likes this.
  4. Sowon

    Sowon Member

    Thank you, all. I know it's not my fault. I can't stop him from what he decides. I know that whether or not he dies, I'll get over it. I'll learn that it wasn't my fault and there was nothing I can do. When I was 16, the first love of my life took his own. I knew for years he was going to. I tried to persuade him in the beginning but I learned it was what he wanted. I found out 2 months after, his friend made me feel it was my fault. I felt that way for a while but then I realized, that since he was 6 he had made up his mind. There was never any stopping it.
    So I know that even if I initially feel at fault. I'll come to terms. For over a year before I started dating him, I was committed to being single. I had an entire life plan that consisted of me staying single for the rest of my life. Until he came along. After this, I will revert back, and never consider dating ever again..I'm happier that way...
    betteroffunknown likes this.
  5. MyCatWillMissMe

    MyCatWillMissMe Well-Known Member

    I'd also like to reaffirm that it would never be your fault if he decided to end his life. You really need to move on from this guy as he sounds really terrible. Saving up to marry him would very likely end up being the worst mistake of your life. Tell him good luck with his 21 months of mandatory service and lose his number.

    As far as never dating again, I'd say never dating someone in a LTR again will save you a lot of grief, but not all guys are terrible and you will find one who doesn't belittle you.
    betteroffunknown likes this.
  6. Sowon

    Sowon Member

    Well, just an update, he woke up around 2am my time and we had a long long long discussion about our relationship, he was the one who actually brought up breaking up, and then around 4am he decided we should break up, and I agreed. He also promised not to kill himself over it, but he still said he'd do it if he gets drafted but that definitely isn't my problem, and I won't feel bad if that happens. I can't stop him.
    I know not all guys are terrible. But honestly, I have a huge issue with intimacy. I'd rather go my entire life without being touched by someone other than a friendly hug, than be any kind of physical with anyone ever. Although I put my disgust for intimacy aside, for the right person (Very few). My step dad discourages this, and says I need to "Experience life" - I've experienced it and thats one experience I don't want to have again. Lol so that's a huge reason why dating is pretty much a no-go for me, even if I don't date a guy like my now ex.
    betteroffunknown likes this.
  7. MyCatWillMissMe

    MyCatWillMissMe Well-Known Member

    Well I'm glad that you are okay with it and not freaking out. I was a professional gamer and lived in Seoul so I'm very familiar with their conscription policy. They all hate it but that's just what they have to deal with.

    If a physical connection is impossible for you then yes I could see being single as a good option, not only for yourself but as a guy it would be really difficult to be with a girl who doesn't ever want to be touched.
  8. Sowon

    Sowon Member

    Yeah, one of my good friends from around here is Korean-American, in the US Army stationed in Korea and he went on this huuugeee rant yesterday about how my ex would be shunned if he didn't go to the army, not to mention go to prison, and even though people hate being forced into enlistment, it's just something they have to do, like you said. He also highly doubts that my ex will actually kill himself, over me or the army, and said he's all talk, and it's what all Korean guys do.
    And well, its not really impossible for me but its immensely preferred. If I have a choice, I'd like to wake up in bed alone, I'd like to have nobody else to clean up after but myself, won't have to deal with anybody's unnecessary problems but mine, and the occasional piece of common-sense advice to my best friend of 8 years, and basically live a happy, solidary life, with no drama from relationships involved. Relationships are always nice at first, but then you get past that honeymoon phase, and it gets serious which is fine, but in most of my relationships, that means literally serious, all the time, fights start daily, verbal if not mental/emotional abuse starts, and I never grew up around abuse or anything. You could probably call my dad mentally abusive, definitely. But growing up around it, I never saw him in that light as a child, but i definitely see it now and have seen it for years, so the second someone tries to twist my words, or becomes passive agressive for any reason, or acts a certain way for a specific reaction out of me, I usually leave almost immediately. For instance, though I was with my ex a long time, he hadn't started acting in a way that I (or anyone else) would label as abusive, until about 2 or 3 weeks ago. It's not as bad as a relationship i had years ago. I knew him for a few months when we started dating, and he'd literally start up to three or four fights a day with literally any tiny reason he could come up with that usually had to do with the fact that i was "lying" when i wasn't, and then refused to talk to me until I "Decided to be truthful for once" and then after like 3 days, I asked him why he did that on a daily basis, and he said he started unnecessary fights, to know how we'd do in a real fight. Practice fighting? Jeez...That was just ridiculous and one of my quickest relationships. I have so many more, sad sad stories about past exes. There's only really been one boyfriend that was definitely a normal relationship in every aspect, and we lasted over a year, and it was wonderful, but even so, I'd still like to be single than even in a relationship such as that one, which had no problems basically ever. Our biggest problem was deciding where to eat on the weekend. We literally had 1 fight, which was apparently because I was nagging him like his mother, and then every other somewhat major issue we had was solved immediately with no fights.
  9. Asdlax

    Asdlax Inactive

    Hello Sowon,

    It could be possible that your relationship with your father may have played some part in your reluctance to form relationships with men or trust in general. I could be wrong but if you are experiencing depression outside your romance life as well, please take cautions as there may be more to the damage your father has caused you. Which I hope isn't the case. I apologise in advance had I been mistaken.

    From what I read, your relationship with your ex didn't seem at all healthy. Whatever happens from here on, remember that you did the right thing. Your ex could be bluffing- he might. And I wouldn't be surprised, especially if he had no history of mental condition or depression, it is unlikely for men to seriously consider death in order to avoid mandatory korean army draft which at most only lasts for 2 years. In the case he did have a history, then he should've seek psychiatric help.

    Seeing as you're officially over with him; please live your life and not his. Enjoy your time alone and have some peace. As someone who didn't like skinship other than hairtousling (now demisexual), I can relate to what you are feeling. My LDR relationship also ended because I couldn't leave the country. Not to mention my father was abusive too. We seem to have not a few in common.. this place is kinda filled with people of similiar backgrounds it's almost scary yet chuckable.

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