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My final days

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#1
Have you ever experienced a time in your life where you just knew the results or outcome before it happened? With me, it happens sometimes. As the thread title, I feel like these are the last of my days. I don’t think I have much longer to live. Even if something great were to happen, it would only delay the inevitable. My life will eventually end by my own hands. Recently, my “friends” have brought it to my attention how cold and heartless I’ve become. Over the past 6 and a half years, ive been through severely traumatizing experiences that have made me... hollow. I now have a complete lack of regard for myself, and those around me. My best friend, who I’ve known for nearly a decade, I now treat him as if he was dead to me. The worst part about it, is I’m not troubled in the least about it. I’ve been depressed for so long, I just don’t feel anymore. I’ve lost my sanity and the worst part, is that I love it. I live for pain. I live for misery. Without it, life isn’t normal. I find myself purposefully hurting myself (not physically), just so I can feel pain; just so I can feel something. All I’ve ever wanted to be was a good husband and greater father. I’ve never been in a relationship. Girls approach me frequently when I’m out with friends and at work, but after careful consideration, I’ve realized that people like me shouldn’t procreate. I just highly resent life now. My life is ending soon, and you know what, I’m sort of glad it is. It’s the way it should be :)
 

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
#2
Depression is hell it really is and all those thought are a symptom of your illness your friends know that. I do hope you talk to someone your doctor get meds or med changed do something now ok don't let this continue on get some help.
 
#3
Hi Tom .. a reference to Mark Twain ? A truly great writer. Can you say more about why you are in this space right now? I truly understand the feeling of holllow and wanting to cause oneself pain but what has brought you to such a dark space. Have you spoken to yiur family or doctor / counsellor. Please stay on this site it is packed full of caring and truly supportive people. Stay safe xxxx
 

Ineluki

The Storm King
#4
Hi Tom

I accurately predict all sorts of things....how I did on tests in school, how busy the store where I work will be on a certain day, the results of a football game, etc. The forty niners are completely out of my control, so when they act like I say they will, it is a good call on my part. But I control my own hands and I know that there is nothing inevitable or prescient about seeing them harm me. They do what I say. You still have that control too. I hope you use it to stay safe.
 

Petal

SF dreamer
Staff member
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#5
Hello tom, sorry to hear you are feeling so down but please never let suicide be an option for you, I think therapy could help you a lot. It could change your perspective and help you understand why you feel the way you are currently and how to move on in a healthy manner and also of course to let your thoughts out in a healthy environment, help is out there so try and avail of whatever it is you can,wishing you the best.
 
#6
Hi Tom! I've been where you are...just a hollow, vacant shell. It's a horrible place to be, yet it feels so beautiful at the same time. Yes, I've been where I thought 'this is it'. But, here I am! One hour at a time, one day at a time-I've gotten well. It wasn't easy. I had to talk things out with a counselor and find purpose again. Nope, it wasn't easy, but it was worth climbing out of the pit. Why? Because there are people who actually need me.

I understand what you are saying about needing to feel pain which is better than feeling nothing at all! I'm not sure what it is that has caused you to be at this point in your life, but I will say that there's always a bright future, for each of us. You included. Side comment about the desire to be a great husband/father. Not being ready to be a dad doesn't negate the desire to be in a relationship! No one says the person you will be with wants to have kids right away either! Don't rob yourself of the joy of a relationship, because of the fears of whether or not you'd be a good dad! Besides, you're going to get out of the pit you are in and then you'll view things differently.
 
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