My Final Decision

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Nozoku, Jan 16, 2011.

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  1. Nozoku

    Nozoku New Member

    I've come to the conclusion at this point that it's time for me to make a final decision on my future. I've contemplated suicide in the past, but I always pushed forward towards some new goal or direction. I have no history of depression, and even now I'm not depressed, although admittedly I became depressed for a couple of days when the reality of my situation became clear. I've already picked out the method, based on effectiveness, time, and inconvenience to others, and I've also set a March 15th deadline for reasons that will be discussed hereafter.

    I'm not posting this to get emotional responses about continuing forward or not giving up hope. Hope, after all, is for those who have nothing else. This is a detached, rational assessment of my situation, and I am looking for other perspectives on it. Since depression is not an issue, telling me to get therapy and medication will do no good. I will lay out pertinent information below:

    • First, is my job situation. I have two degrees, a B.A. in Marketing, and a B.S. in Information Technology. Neither of which have done me any good in finding a job. In fact, I've never had an interview before. I've come to the conclusion that the best way to find a job is to have a job, hoping a company will hire from within. Every job wants experience, and the only way to get experience is to get a job.

    • My current strategy is to find a job as a receptionist, data entry clerk, secretary, or some other low level job at a company and then hope that they will promote me from within. Obviously there's a lot working against me in this as well since experience is still required and they're going to be wondering why someone with two degrees is applying to answer a phone for someone.

    • Even in the event that I do get a low level job such as the ones stated above, I may not be able to physically handle them due to a severe back injury. The vertebrate towards the bottom of my back is dislocated and the disc is virtually gone. Standing is impossible for me for more than maybe 15min before pain starts to set in. That eliminates virtually all retail jobs, which is an enormous chunk of the available jobs out there.

    • In addition, my condition appears to be continually deteriorating. Four to five years ago I was able to stand for 10 hours a day teaching tennis, albeit incredibly painfully. Two years later I could no longer teach tennis. As time went on I continued to cut out physical activities to the point where I could no longer walk on a treadmill. For the past year I was relegated to sitting in a chair all day, until the past few months when I could no longer do that. I can't even rock in my rocking chair anymore, which was one of the few joys in my life. I'm now relegated to lying on the floor all day long on some old sleeping bags.

    • To make matters worse, I have virtually no possessions and I have no money. The only reason I'm not homeless is because I'm able to live in a guestroom at my dad's house. Unfortunately my dad is going to lose the small business he owns (Thanks Obama) and he too will have no work. The probability that he will lose his house is high. Right now I enter data into a database for him part time from home, so my food and electricity isn't really a burden on him at the moment. That all changes on March 15th, the day he no longer has a job and the day I become a burden. It is also the day I have decided to make my exit should it come to that. While I could mentally handle being homeless, the physical aspect is an impossibility for me.

    I've lost a lot of years and I've sacrificed a lot. I've dealt with daily physical pain as I worked towards some new hope or goal. My goals and ambitions were all that were keeping me going, and now I'm at the end of my road. I've studied and worked very hard to try and avert what I saw was an inevitability. I acquired degrees, tried to start a business, and even was working towards fluency in reading Japanese. All of it failed, and now I am out of time and out of ideas.

    I've given up a lot over the years to try and break through, and I missed out on the things most people take for granted. I continually convinced myself that if I just kept working hard and sacrificing that I would make it at some point. Here I am, 28 years old, and years later and I have nothing. At some point I have to accept the fact that it's not going to happen for me. All I've done is force myself to endure years of pain and effort for no payoff.

    Even if I find some low level job, and pull together the money to try and get surgery or something, they may not be able to fix my back anyway and then my only option would be morphine, which isn't an option in my view. Furthermore, the longer I spend without a job, and the longer I spend not doing what my degrees are for, the more discrimination I'm going to face as I apply for these jobs. In other words, in all aspects, things will only get worse as time goes on.

    I have 2 months to see if something comes along, and then that's it for me, I'll be out of time. I've accepted my predicament for what it is. Feel free to offer your perspective on all this, but I believe my assessment to be accurate and valid. Thanks.
  2. Welcome to the forum.

    Please don't give yourself a deadline.. Don't attempt suicide please!! There is a way out..
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    the last time i was unemployed i got some great advice from a job centre. my counsellor said networking is the way to go. meet and interview as many people already established in your field. go to professional meetups (try and mingle like crazy. ask *them* a bunch of questions about how they got into the field, about their company, the kind of work that they do, what they like about it. that way when an opening comes up you already know someone within the company. they will think of you. start volunteering in your field. that way you have already made an impression on them. don't just rely on help wanted or classified ads. you need the personal touch.
  4. toonice

    toonice New Member

    i am new to this forum but have to say that being unemployed or not developing your skill set to be competitive in a job market is far from suicide worthy.

    i have no family and have been abused on every level my entire life. you are living in your dads guest house room. my dad is dead. my mom had me put in jail this yr on a BS sting on xmas out of spite, after trying to institutionalize me from the time i was a child (unsuccessfully). i have not received even an xmas card from a distant relative in my life. ive lived with that my whole life and am a successful businessperson without any degree irrespective.

    it sounds to me merely like you need to be a little creative and a lot less whiney. sorry but it sounds like you need to hear that. there are people with WAY worse problems than not having the job they want and most of them dont get to live in daddy's room.
  5. xjulesx

    xjulesx Member

    Totally agree with toonice, compared to some people your problems with not having a job is nothing and def not worth suicide

    killing yourself over something like that is absurd, sorry if blunt but can't believe someone would talk about killing themselves over this? Unless of course you have other problems which you haven't mentioned?
  6. warrabinda

    warrabinda Well-Known Member

    Put simply, work isn't everything.
    I'm sorry to hear about your back. my back is screwed from bad manual handling.
    So experience is a fluid word. It doesn't nesecarily mean experience already gained from a chosen field.
    I agree with the poster who talked about networking.
    Have you ever done any voluntary work? now might the time to start. There are heaps of voluntary secretarial positions to get your foot in the door.
    I imagine suicide would be far greater a 'burden' for your father to carry.
    you know what? we're all winners and failures depending which way you spin it. you're in good company.
    you have no possessions? excellent. nothing to lose!
    you are a smart person who has managed to get those degrees. why waste your intellect? we need intellect.
    you mentioned Japanese - is this your cultural background? I think this may have an impact on why you've come to this decision - my knowledge is not excellent though. Worth pondering
    have you ever been to any unemployment agencies for help?
    things can get so low you consider suicide - i get that. but there are so many other options that are less extreme. I look forward to hearing your response!
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