My final thought

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SkyHigh, Dec 13, 2007.

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  1. SkyHigh

    SkyHigh Guest

    I've been suicidal for three years now. This year will be the fourth. I'm 15 years old.

    I've spoken to 34 people online. One of them was a person from samaritans. Some have made me think again about my decision, but then my mind always finds something that doesn't agree with the idea.

    I've tried to be happy many times, I even tried following the ways of god, but nothing works.

    I've given up now. I've promised myself a day to end it.

    I think about how I'm going to do it 24/7

    I've thought about how my family will react, but I just can't take it anymore.

    I've given my family a hint and what they told me is that I have become stupid like all the other little kids who cut themselves.

    I don't expect any sympathy from people. I just want them to know that I'll be glad to go.

    I'm already dead. Everyday I just walk around with a forced smile on my face. I just feel like lying on the road and getting run over when I'm walking to school.

    I want to sleep forever. I've lost hope. I have no meaning to live and I don't think I want a meaning either.

    This generation is not compatible with my kind.

    I used to have a reason for feeling suicidal. I sort of still do but it doesn't seem like a reason to me. I've become detached from the world and I don't know what I mean but I think I'm happy this way, in a strange sense.
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2007
  2. Bograt

    Bograt Active Member

    Hey Sky, I wish I something insightful and deep to say, but I'm drawing a blank. It sounds like you really don't want to kill yourself, just that life has little point and you see no reason for going on. We do care here, and if you would like to unload a little, please do!
  3. SkyHigh

    SkyHigh Guest

    I've repeated my story so many times that I'm almost forgetting it.

    My mother is a schizophrenic. My father died a few days after my 13th birthday, I only lived with him until I was 5 years old so I didn't know how to feel.

    My sister expects me to live like she imagines. She wants me to get A grades at school and work in an office when I'm older. Because of her expectations she doesn't listen or try to understand how I feel.

    My brother thinks life is ll about having money. He doesn't care for anyone at all.

    They all say so many cruel things to me. Shocking things. I can't believe my own family would say such things. Their words hit me like a thousand arrows piercing me right through the heart.

    My friends aren't true friends. They say cruel things and lough when I express my feelings. I now just lough fakely with them, when really their words are killing me inside.

    I used to be such a happy and bubbly energetic kid, but now....

    I just smile politely and continue to be as kind as I can. I don't blame anyone for what they say and how they act. It's just how this generation has become. I know there are others who are still kind out there but they're far away from me. I'm surrounded by the mean ones and I only have the key to one exit.

    I don't see why I have to live with all this, so I have come to my final decision. I can't express how I feel with words but there's so much more...

    My mother got married to another man when I was 6. On christmas day at night, he came back drunk and hugged me. I was uncomfortable and struggled for release, I couldn't get away so I scrached his hand. He sat on the stairs shouting at me to say sorry. I remember shaking amd feeling scared. I didn't know what to do and it felt like my voice just went away. I opened my mouth but only air came out. My mom shouted at him to stop shouting at me, but he didn't stop, so she shouted at me ti say sorry too. I just stood there as if I was frozen. My mom called the police because the neighbours started complaining and he left and went to his friends house. My mom and him got divorced later on and ever since I've felt so terribly guilty. My mom herself has told me three times that it was all my fault. The first time she was angry but the second and third she just said it for no particular reason.

    There's so much more that I've bottled up and feel I can't tell anyone. I carry so much guilt.

    I feel worthless. Wherever I go I bring disaster. I want it all to end now.

    I don't see a bright future. I know there won't be a bright future.
  4. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    I feel for you. I am two years older than you are.
    I'm stuck in a house with a mother who hates me...
    It's so hard. I've been looking for a reason to live. A solid reason that I agree with. One that makes sense.

    Not that stupid... "Because being alive is good and being dead is a no-no"

    All in all.
    There is something on this retreached earth that makes seomebody happy.
    Everyone's different.

    your brothers happens to be money.
    Your sisters is success.

    Mines is happiness and pleasure. 0.o :tongue:
    I just have no clue in how to start pursuing it.

    As for what happened with your mothers X-husband. That's fucking crap.
    I hate stories where 'its the kids fault'. bullshit.
    You cannot blame a six year old child for an adults stupidity. Ridiculous.

    I would write more in-depth but my time is limited.
    I hope you reply.
  5. Bograt

    Bograt Active Member

    From your history, I can see why someone would carry guilt and feelings of worthlessness, if only I could think of something in there that was your fault! From what I read, your family uses you as their conveniant little whipping boy, blaming you for all of their shortcomings and pretty much anything that goes wrong. In fact, you seem to be the most level headed person in the bunch!

    Continuing, if your friends are not real friends, why do you hang out with them? If all they do is ridicule you and boost their own fragile ego at your expense, what have you to loose by trying to find other friends?

    Nothing you said was your fault. I sorely wish I had the words to tell you in a more convincing way, but taking your own life because others have a hard time accepting their own personal flaws is not the way to solve your problems.
  6. SkyHigh

    SkyHigh Guest

    Your right. I had so many dreams of what I wanted to be. But I feel like they are all impossible to reach now. Especially one of the ones that I wanted most and sort of still do want now.

    I know what would make me happy but it seems impossible to get my hands on it.

    I have many little things that make me lough until Im rolling on the floor :tongue:, but someone always comes along after like 2 minutes and angers me for no reason, I get mad then I get sad then I have flashbacks of all the bad moments and there's so many. My happy years were when I was aged 3-5. I was careless and happy and spent all my time playing games with my friends in the sunny bright afternoon. I used to have a smile on my face 24/7. I was once told that I even slept smiling. But I guess I got the fun too early and the price to pay was misery for the rest of my growing years. Maybe I'm being stupid, maybe it's just the generation that changed.

    It makes me sad remembering those days because those days are no more and never again can return.

    I once told my mom that it's not my fault it's hers because I didn't ask her to give birth to me. Maybe that sounds stupid but that's how I feel when I'm angry and shouting with my mom. I don't like telling her such words, it's not like me to be mean and I don't like being mean but if someone annoys me alot I will explode like a bomb and say so many evil things that I physically start shaking.
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2007
  7. SkyHigh

    SkyHigh Guest

    Thanks :smile:

    I continue to hang around with my so called friend because I don't want to be alone. There are times when we all just laugh together but those are somewhat rare moments. Finding new friends? I don't think there's anyone in this generation who can be a true friend. The school is like a battle ground.

    I've seen glimpses of sadness in two of my friends eyes when they spoke about their home lives. So I came to a conclusion that they must have some problems at home too, but aren't like me they are capable of shrugging it all off. I've also come to a conclusion that their way of doing so is by making someone elses life hell. All kids seem to be like this, which is why I keep saying I blame the generation. I'm glad that I don't solve my problems by giving others problems. I use this thought to comfort my mind a little from that area of emotional attack.

    My problems don't seem to have a solution. The only solution is to forget the memories, but the only way I can ever do that is if I get amnesia or something like that, I can't just forget it all with my own will.
  8. Bograt

    Bograt Active Member

    Well sky, a lot of your points are pretty true. I agree that this generation is going right to hell in a hand basket, mainly (in my opinion, no intent to get political) because of the total lack of responsibility in most kids these days (ie... nothing is ever their fault, blame the parents, video games etc...)

    Now, in this rare case where it actually is not your fault, yet you are taking (against your will) the responsibility for others problems I can see why you are having problems. Heck, I have a hell of a time dealing with MY OWN problems, I could not imagine having to deal with my whole families!!!

    As for your friends who spoke to you about their bad home lives, how do you know they just shrug off their problems? It may be they feel much the same way you do, and the reason they made fun of you for sharing your problems with them is because they saw their own problems in you. But instead of turning all their pain inwards as you do, they vent it in a vain effort to relive themselves of it. (or not, this is all theory here).

    I think you have done a good job in some ways by not wrecking someones else's life due to your problems (or the problems of your family). Unfortunetly, you have done this at the expense of your own emotional health and wellbeing. You seem to take all the ills of the world that surrounds you and make them your own, with no way to unload. Hopefully here we can give you that safety valve, and maybe you can find your own like (as corny as it sounds) a hobby or something.
  9. SkyHigh

    SkyHigh Guest

    Maybe my friends are like what you said. I now have a new way of seeing their behaviour. :smile:

    And I agree about the kids and lack of responsibility thing too. Sometimes it's just the kids thinking they can do whatever they want and that no one can stop them. There are many parents who try their hardest to bring up their kids as best they can but the kids just think they can do anything. So it's unfair to blame parents for childrens behaviour. The video games thing is just one of the lamest excuses they repeatedly use. I used to play video games quite a lot and nothing about doing so changed me. Maybe they mean that kids are spoiled with many technologies? such as computers, mobile phones, mp3 players and such.

    I hate admitting that talking does help but it does. By talking to people I've found new ways to see things, just like now with the friends thing. Now only if I can find something to occupy myself with.

    I've almost stopped the battle in my mind about the existence of god. I've almost convinced myself that I don't need to know the answers right now. Let's just hope I don't end up finding a new question again. I hate my brain, it asks too many questions that don't seem to have answers.

    Why can't I just be an idiot and live unaware of the problems around me.

    :laugh: thanks!
  10. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    I hate my mother.
    Some people tell me "You wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her".
    I said "I know." Meaning, that I would rather be non-existant. This torture is not worth living for. All of society's bullshit and beatings...Who wants that?
    All this pain! All this crap! Just a little bit of brightness in the dark. You know what that brightness is? Amoung the disgusting people and occurances through our lives, we can pick out certain times when we can say we were happy. Even if it was for just a sheer moment. And...ya know, Thats worth living for. It worth finding the way, to locate the path to travel for sheer happiness...Even to be BLISS! (Bliss is like fucking sancuary.)

    I think you should try to get the thing that makes you happy.
    Get it. Hold it. Forever. The effort is more considerable than death. To make a journey to get what makes you happy to bring pleasure in your life.

    ...We're only here to figure out "how?".
  11. SoulRiser

    SoulRiser Well-Known Member

    Please don't do that! The world has enough idiots already, we need more intelligent people like you around. That's the only way it'll ever get better.

    I hear plenty of stories about stupid parents, stupid kids, stupid people are everywhere. If all the smart people couldn't take it anymore, and killed themselves, the stupid people will have "won".

    It's not just this generation. I was always the odd one out too (I'm 25 now). Good, decent, intelligent, caring people are just rare. It's the most amazing thing in the world when you find one though, worth living for, I think. I've found a few. I'm sure you will too. Try looking here. :)
  12. SkyHigh

    SkyHigh Guest

    I've lost interest in everything. If I could escape this place I would be able to find something, but I don't know how long it would keep me distracted from dark thoughts. School life and my age has me chained in a little metal box. I don't want to wait anymore. It's all just too much and it's getting worse.

    'This site's design is dark and gloomy for one reason only - 'cause it looks cool that way :p ' :laugh:

    I like that website. :smile:

    Haven't the 'stupid' people already 'won' because our kind is so rare?

    If it's not the generation then it's the world :eek:hmy:, now there really seems to be no hope at all.
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