My first ever loss was my aunt. Up until 3 years ago I had never lost anyone that I really loved and knew so well. She killed herself. No one knows why and to this day I don't know how, but I would rather not know. I still haven't gone to her grave and I don't talk about it, pretending like it never happened until a holiday comes around and she doesn't show up. It was hard the first Christmas and I have seemed to convince myself that it never actually happened. First I was SO mad at her for doing it and then when I became depressed and near death myself, I began to forgive her. Though it still hurts. I love her and just know that whatever pain she was in is gone now and she must feel so much better.