My first and only boyfriend

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by ealdc, Nov 6, 2006.

  1. ealdc

    ealdc Guest

    I read lots of your posts and my story is a bit different. The person I lost I hadn't seen or talked to in 10 years.

    When I was in kindergarten I had no friends. I went to a French immersion school and I had a really hard time learning so my mom made me repeat kindergarten! Everyone made fun of me the second year except one boy. He didn't care and he was my only friend. I was the only girl invited to his birthday party and he made me feel good every day. He had two guy friends who didn't treat me as good as he did but they weren’t bad to me either.

    We were friends for 2 1/2 years then I left the school. We saw each other a few times after because we lived in the same community (our houses were about 4 blocks apart) but I never knew exactly where he lived. We were both extremely shy and never said a word to each other when we did see each other but we always made eye contact and remembered one another.

    10 years had passed and I thought about him soooo often. I never got a boyfriend all through jr. high and high school and I realised that he was the only guy I ever truely liked. I looked his last name up in the phone book but I never found his address. I didn't know his dad's name either so I couldn't find his number. I wanted to get in touch with him sooooo bad over the years but I was also to afraid.

    Then, August 14 2006 my sister woke me up at 2:00 in the afternoon. She said mom wanted to show me something. I got up and she showed me a picture of a guy my age in the obituary. It was him. She recognized his name because I had talked about him so often. I stared at his picture for so long. I hardly cried that day but I made up for it. I'm still making up for it.

    On Aug. 7th, he was riding his motorcycle with some friends outside the city. I guess they were going fast, and he lost control and was killed. No other vehicles where involved. I don't know details, or where it happened really.

    His funeral was being held the day I found out but a few hours earlier. I wish now I could have gone. I looked his father up in the phone book and found his address and phone number. I took the opportunity to write his family a letter and I delivered it the next day but I never got a reply. I also made a donation to a charity in lieu of flowers and I did get a thank-you card back for that.

    I have so many regrets that I feel like I can't handle it anymore. I want more than anything to believe in an afterlife so that when I die I can see him again and tell him what he did for me and that I love him. That's part of the reason why I'm suicidal.

    To this day I have never had a boyfriend. He would be the closest guy to a boyfriend that I've ever had. I feel like I'm in love with him. He was the same guy the day he died as he was when I knew him. I know this because of what I read in his obituary. I have no interest in anybody else. I want to live the rest of my life alone so that I can be with him one day. Does this make any sense? The sooner I die, the better I feel.

    It gets worse because I can't talk to anyone about this! My family and my friends don't understand. They think I'm overreacting and... actually I don't know what they really think. I just feel like I can't talk to them. There's no empathy from anyone. They say things like "well, you didn't really know him" and "there's lots of guys out there".

    I feel like sh*t.
  2. xan

    xan Chat Buddy

    I'm sure they only say those things to try and make you feel better. There are so many different sorts of relationships in the world that many seem so obscure, impossible and insignificant to others who can't comprehend them. I am sure you did feel strongly for him even though because of all the things you might have imagined possible with him. The thing is I'm not sure it is worth giving up and waiting, you never know, he may have had someone special, there may not be an afterlife that you can spend like that. I think personally that it is best to try and take his memory with you in your heart but to live your life, can you imagine how devestated he would feel to know that you would stop living because of him. It might seem impossible now but moving on is the only option, but that does not mean you should ever forget.
  3. :'(

    We have so many regrets in out lives. I'm so sorry for you :sad:
  4. nothing-

    nothing- Guest

    I can understand your situation pretty well.

    When I was younger, maybe 11, 12 years old, I didn't have many friends either, but there was a girl...

    She became my friend, and we used to always play together at recess, and joke around and stuff during class. I developed a huge crush on her after a while.

    Then, one day I found out she was moving and going to a different highschool than I was.

    I have never seen her since. I have tried to look up her contact info on the net, but I would never have the nerve to actually contact her again. I mean, this was over 10 years ago. She would probably be creeped out to the max.

    It may seem pathetic, but over the years since then I have had many dreams involving her. We are always having fun together. When I wake up and realize it was all I dream, I feel horrible and depressed.

    I wish I could go back 10 years...

    I have grown to accept that I can't just hang onto something like that. We were friends a long time ago, and that is that. I really wish I could see her again, and I really hope that she would like me, but I face the fact that it will never happen. We were only kids. I just wish she knew how important she was to me back then.

    Great, now I've gotten all work up over it again. :sad:
  5. ealdc

    ealdc Guest

    xan- on my "okay" days, everything you said I agree with, but on my bad days i just don't care... I need to have more good days, that's why i'm on medication. You are 100% right tho.

    nothing- if there is a way you can contact her, i think you should. make the e-mail short and sweet and just say you were thinking about some old friends you once had and decided one day to see who you could contact. Play it down a bit and see if she replys. ask her what she's up to. This is all easier said then done, I know. If someone told me to do this with my guy 6 months ago, I would have been so afraid of rejection or just being ignored I don't know if I could have done it. It's up to you. Only u know the relationship you two once had.
  6. Yes. Try to find out. You know her school, her name, and what time she was there. There are social-networking sites like friendsreunited or facebook that are worth checking out. In the past, I was able to track someone down purely by following their trail on the web, someone who didn't want to be found. At one point, when the trail went dead, I posted some forum messages, and was lucky to be pointed in the right direction.

    Of course, you may find she's now married with kids. But your past friendship is still reason enough to contact her - you could be friends again. If you leave it, you will never know.
  7. nothing-

    nothing- Guest

    Hehe... I appreciate the encouragement, but it's not gonna happen. I think it would just seem too creepy. Can't keep living in the past ;-)
  8. 2LOST2

    2LOST2 Well-Known Member

    Have you seen "Titanic" ealdc?? Try to be as the girl there. Live the life that ur firedn would be proud of even if he cant be there with you directly.

    Your friend died in an accidend, it wasnt his choice. Accidents happens. I m sure he wouldnt have choosen such a way for you either. :smile:
  9. altek001

    altek001 Well-Known Member

    that's a great idea...that's...dang..sweet. awesome. and like Rose said in that movie, "I'll never let go.."

    ..and...yeah..who is to say why accidents happen...i've asked The Big Man and haven't gotten much of an answer..but i agree with that, too...nobody just -wishes- accidents to occur to people..unles there's bad blood involved..but...that's obvious. but eh, who knows...he might have thought about you just as often...and now, that he's moved on...they know exactly how much we're thinking about them..

    ...and i wonder that if/when i commit suicide myself...will i be glad that people remember me, sad that i'm not in their company anymore or mad that my simple attempt to wipe the earth clean of myself backfired so is yet to be seen..

    a life not spent living is one not worth being lived. we're here..for now...

    - Henry
  10. afton

    afton Member

    Hi ealdc,

    Thanks for sharing your story. I also consider myself to never have
    a "proper" girlfriend. By "proper" I mean at least a year of relationship
    - yeah I know just my own definition :)

    I chased this pretty girl in my junior high for five years but she didn't like
    be back, and I was as they said "ljbf-ed". To this day I still have crush on
    her although I know she still won't consider me as a boyfriend.

    Anyway, I have expressed my feeling for her three times and three times
    I have been rejected. But I have no regret, hey better try than not right?

    I like this quote btw:
    If you love someone, set them free.
    If they come back they're yours;
    if they don't they never were
  11. Stocky

    Stocky Guest


    I know the feeling when you meet someone who makes a huge impact upon your life. It is as if they have become ingrained within you, being a part of your being.

    I met a guy in High School whom I was extremely attracted to. I feel hard for him, but the only problem was, he didn't love me back. I was Depressed and suicidal.

    Ten years later, another friend of ours told me he recently married. This was enough to trigger my Depression again.
  12. Lonz

    Lonz Active Member

    Personally, I don't believe in an afterlife. I'm still hurting from my friend's suicide. I wish there were an afterlife. Maybe there is. But, my whole disciplined view of the world is .. if there's no evidence, don't go 'round believin it. Stevie Wonder warned us about "superstition", in his song by that name. "When you believe in things that you don't understand, then you suffer."

    Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. Me you, everyone here. Some here will see my merely presenting my view as an attack on their's, but that's nonsense.
    All I'm saying is...value this life. Cherish it.

    Plus, if you die, you might start a cycle, and more will follow. Let's nip this in the bud. Value being here, and I bet eventually you will meet someone who is distraught, and you'll have the opportunity to prevent a suicide, just by being you, and a loyal friend.

    Hang in there.

  13. ealdc

    ealdc Guest

    I dreamed about him last night. In it he was younger when he died and he died a different way, for some reason he was strangled by accident. Weird, eh?? I cried and cried and cried in my dream. I was younger too. I also was really ready to commit suicide and I was thinking about the most natural, unique ways to do it, but unfortunately painful as well, so I was scared.

    This dream was really strange. It's been on my mind all day and of course, he's been on my mind too. I'm quite confused by all this.

    Can anyone relate at all??
  14. dreamwarrior

    dreamwarrior Active Member

    I lost my first girlfriend when she was 15. To this day even though I've had many gf's since I measure them all up to her. It's not even fair since I can only remember the good times and whatever I don't know I use my imagination. She's the perfect girl and the cosmic loneliness is the toughest thing that I deal with.

    Right now my life is on a better track. I am not feeling suicidal or depressed, but for some reason, I wish I were because it seems like life is more meaningful when there is a little bit of pain.

    Why does it have to be wrong? Medications will help dull by pain by dulling your feelings. And they make it difficult to reach those lows and highs so you try harder and harder until you succeed in pulling out the extremes of your personality.

    Maybe some people are simply "happier" being depressed. Our engines are made to run hard for a short time.
  15. blade

    blade Well-Known Member

    he seemed realy nice.

    no matter what u were like he cared for u.

    im really sorry for what happened.
  16. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    I cant imagine how you must feel :( I know all about regret, and regret of this kind must be so hard to deal with. Im so sorry for your loss, and I hope that the days ahead wont seem so dark. Let the memory of him push your forward :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 3, 2007
  17. chris5

    chris5 New Member

    I can understand. I also loved someone very close to my heart. But I always believe that It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all! We need to draw on the beautiful memories and move on in life.
  18. I am still very distraught by having been broken up by someone I loved and thought she loved me. It hurts alot. The depression, then the anger. I'm not sure what is going to happen next for me, though hopefully it will be peaceful. I hope peace for everyone here who gets hurt by the loss of a loved one in any way.
  19. ealdc

    ealdc Guest

    Dreamwarrior - this is very true for me too. He WAS the perfect guy. Nobody in this world will be better than him. He could probably have done no wrong in my eyes.

    Thank you all for your support.

    It's been seven months now and I still cry myself to sleep every once in a while, but I'm doing lots better since the day I started this thread.