I feel kind of uncomfortable talking about this at all, but I feel like I need to tell someone, and I am hoping this is the place to do it.
I recently joined a safe community online that lets people meet up and talk about their sexual interests, and plan meetings if they desire. I am in a relationship, but we're long distance right now, and we talked about it and decided we would have an open relationship for now - it's okay to have sex with other people, but no actual dating. I'm very comfortable with this, as I positively adore my boyfriend, and I know he loves me too, and I trust him implicitly. So this isn't really about that issue - I just wanted to get that important detail out there.
I met a guy on the community and we decided to meet to see if there was any chemistry. We met up in a safe, public place - I am trying to emphasize that I was trying to be safe about this, and not go around having sex with strangers without thinking. We chatted and found each other to be very nice. In the end, we did decide to head up to his place and fool around.
It was my first time trying to have sex with anyone who wasn't my significant other. First there was my ex-boyfriend, who used me and kind of ruined sex for me and made me believe I was just a thing to satisfy him when he wanted it. Then there was my current boyfriend, who I have only ever made love to in the truest sense of the phrase. Then this guy, and everything seemed to be going well. I turned him on, he turned me on, we made each other feel good - but I was starting to have to stifle guilty feelings. I kept thinking about how much I wished I could be with my boyfriend instead. And I started thinking about my ex too - all the times he called me a ***** and a slut, and his voice yelling at me, and his face smirking at me...
I took a break to go wash my face in the bathroom and try to calm down, and I just fell apart and started crying. My date, I guess I can call him, was very understanding - he reassured me and let me cry, and didn't at all make me feel bad for needing to stop. I was so afraid he would hate me because I hadn't been able to make him finish. After all, my ex taught me that that's my job as a woman - make the guy happy.
In the end, I felt like i had cheated on my boyfriend, even though we'd established ahead of time what I was going to do. He knew I was going to see this guy, and when I got home I told him all about it, so it's not like I was keeping any secrets. He wasn't even mad at me - jealous maybe, but that's only natural. I think my problem this time was that I still haven't gotten my ex out of my system. I still just believe that my place is to please a man sexually, and not only did I fail to do that for my date, but I had done it with a man who wasn't my boyfriend. I didn't actually do anything wrong by either of their accounts, but by mine, I had been an utter failure. And I still think I am!
When I went to bed, I saw my ex's face again, smiling at me and pulling me down to do things to him, making me serve him when I knew I didn't want to. I remember doing that all too clearly, and it came back last night bright and painful. I hate that after all this time, my ex is still controlling me, making me do things like he would have wanted, making me second guess myself, and making me feel guilty when I'm not doing anything wrong.
DID I do something wrong? I guess I just want to be told that it's okay, that it's not wrong for me to want to have sex, that I didn't hurt my boyfriend. I want to be a good girlfriend, because that's all I am - my boyfriend is the only thing I have that makes me happy and makes me think that maybe suicide isn't the answer, maybe with him, everything can be okay. But my ex left me so broken and screwed up that I'm terrified I can't make my boyfriend happy, and that's the most important thing to me in the world. I want to make him happy, and I can't do that if I am unhappy. I should have known that I ought not have tried to meet someone for sex when I am so emotionally fragile. I wanted to try it so hard, to prove to myself that I could be normal and do the things I wanted to do without hearing that voice in my head call me a ***** and without panicking. I didn't want to do it for the sex itself - my sex drive is basically nonexistent lately, what with the depression and the medication. I don't even think I was doing it to make some kind of statement to myself about how strong and modern a woman I am - nothing like that. I just think...I think it's because without the influence of my ex, it's just something I would have wanted to do. And I tried it, and I can't do it because my ex is still in my head, poisoning me, telling me how worthless I am, and reminding me that no matter what I do, I will never be happy or normal, and I will never make my wonderful boyfriend happy. I will try and I will make some mistake, or he will just get tired of my emotional crap and leave me for a normal girl. Or maybe when he said "open relationship" it really meant "you CAN have sex with other people, but you're not supposed to actually DO it." I know that's not how it is, but I'm just so afraid that I've done everything wrong.
I don't really know where I am going with all this. It's really long, and I'm sorry. I guess I just want some reassurance. Am I a terrible girlfriend? Am I a *****? Should I just stay away from sex forever?
Why can't I learn how to be happy?
Sorry to put you through all that. I just had to get it out there.
I recently joined a safe community online that lets people meet up and talk about their sexual interests, and plan meetings if they desire. I am in a relationship, but we're long distance right now, and we talked about it and decided we would have an open relationship for now - it's okay to have sex with other people, but no actual dating. I'm very comfortable with this, as I positively adore my boyfriend, and I know he loves me too, and I trust him implicitly. So this isn't really about that issue - I just wanted to get that important detail out there.
I met a guy on the community and we decided to meet to see if there was any chemistry. We met up in a safe, public place - I am trying to emphasize that I was trying to be safe about this, and not go around having sex with strangers without thinking. We chatted and found each other to be very nice. In the end, we did decide to head up to his place and fool around.
It was my first time trying to have sex with anyone who wasn't my significant other. First there was my ex-boyfriend, who used me and kind of ruined sex for me and made me believe I was just a thing to satisfy him when he wanted it. Then there was my current boyfriend, who I have only ever made love to in the truest sense of the phrase. Then this guy, and everything seemed to be going well. I turned him on, he turned me on, we made each other feel good - but I was starting to have to stifle guilty feelings. I kept thinking about how much I wished I could be with my boyfriend instead. And I started thinking about my ex too - all the times he called me a ***** and a slut, and his voice yelling at me, and his face smirking at me...
I took a break to go wash my face in the bathroom and try to calm down, and I just fell apart and started crying. My date, I guess I can call him, was very understanding - he reassured me and let me cry, and didn't at all make me feel bad for needing to stop. I was so afraid he would hate me because I hadn't been able to make him finish. After all, my ex taught me that that's my job as a woman - make the guy happy.
In the end, I felt like i had cheated on my boyfriend, even though we'd established ahead of time what I was going to do. He knew I was going to see this guy, and when I got home I told him all about it, so it's not like I was keeping any secrets. He wasn't even mad at me - jealous maybe, but that's only natural. I think my problem this time was that I still haven't gotten my ex out of my system. I still just believe that my place is to please a man sexually, and not only did I fail to do that for my date, but I had done it with a man who wasn't my boyfriend. I didn't actually do anything wrong by either of their accounts, but by mine, I had been an utter failure. And I still think I am!
When I went to bed, I saw my ex's face again, smiling at me and pulling me down to do things to him, making me serve him when I knew I didn't want to. I remember doing that all too clearly, and it came back last night bright and painful. I hate that after all this time, my ex is still controlling me, making me do things like he would have wanted, making me second guess myself, and making me feel guilty when I'm not doing anything wrong.
DID I do something wrong? I guess I just want to be told that it's okay, that it's not wrong for me to want to have sex, that I didn't hurt my boyfriend. I want to be a good girlfriend, because that's all I am - my boyfriend is the only thing I have that makes me happy and makes me think that maybe suicide isn't the answer, maybe with him, everything can be okay. But my ex left me so broken and screwed up that I'm terrified I can't make my boyfriend happy, and that's the most important thing to me in the world. I want to make him happy, and I can't do that if I am unhappy. I should have known that I ought not have tried to meet someone for sex when I am so emotionally fragile. I wanted to try it so hard, to prove to myself that I could be normal and do the things I wanted to do without hearing that voice in my head call me a ***** and without panicking. I didn't want to do it for the sex itself - my sex drive is basically nonexistent lately, what with the depression and the medication. I don't even think I was doing it to make some kind of statement to myself about how strong and modern a woman I am - nothing like that. I just think...I think it's because without the influence of my ex, it's just something I would have wanted to do. And I tried it, and I can't do it because my ex is still in my head, poisoning me, telling me how worthless I am, and reminding me that no matter what I do, I will never be happy or normal, and I will never make my wonderful boyfriend happy. I will try and I will make some mistake, or he will just get tired of my emotional crap and leave me for a normal girl. Or maybe when he said "open relationship" it really meant "you CAN have sex with other people, but you're not supposed to actually DO it." I know that's not how it is, but I'm just so afraid that I've done everything wrong.
I don't really know where I am going with all this. It's really long, and I'm sorry. I guess I just want some reassurance. Am I a terrible girlfriend? Am I a *****? Should I just stay away from sex forever?
Why can't I learn how to be happy?
Sorry to put you through all that. I just had to get it out there.