Z
Hi ,I can pretend to be happy,yet I can't take it anymore ...I've been raped when I was a "baby" ,as I could recall ,I have a very bright mind as I'm good with details ..How I wish I could just detach all of those ..When I was a very small child,I couldn't even know how to talk at that time ,i was placed under my cousins's ..They're my "babysitters"..Each day ,every of them would rape me..This things I guess started when I was 3 and went on untill I was 8 years old..I was so dumb at that time ..They called that playing time..They would bring me to a waterfall and raped me numerous times ..Then I knew about this "play-time" stuff when my school organised sex education..starting from that time ,i feel very disgusted upon myself ,guilty ,ashamed ,petrified ..Even until now,I'm 18 now ..My friends always ask me ...I mean the way I talk with people ,I never look into their eyes..I'm so damn ashamed..When I felt like everything is over ,another nightmares happened .My teacher would call me to his office ,giving me normal student's duties then started off grabbing my ass ,he would push me into his locker ,kissing me and threatened me..Of course ,Im a wimp..I'm too afraid..I got this reputation..Being named as an intelligent student ,I'm quite famous in every place I went to..cos I appear very normal and happy and active ..Bullshit!!!I'm hurt.......Furthermore in my community ,face-saving is very important ...feeling so lost and confused ,I started to commit suicide ..numerous times ..I stood still in the middle of a road ,i jumped off from a fourth-floor building and now I'm a frequent amphetamines's addict..I feel so dirty!!!!...All of my suicide attempts seem very accidental so they wouldn't know bout this..i'm an anti-social ..And now I'm starting hating guys..2 years ago I went to my relative's house but then I met them again..One of my cousins came to me and started talking like nothing happens till he started touching my bosoms..i slapped him real hard,he's married..He got more pissed off and he raped me in a barn..Starting from that day ,I never see them anymore ..I hate my families ..I just couldn't live anymore ..Even now ,in a university ,I received lots of "calls" and "messages" from boys which contain foul languages..You know what,i blame god for this..I'm a very decent human beings ,I'm very faithful ,why god gives me all of this ?I swear to myself that I'm gonna live alone ,away from those perverts and die alone ...I'm all alone here ..Today ,I deliberately fail my exam ..I hate being a clever person ..I hate having posts in the societies ..Why can't they see how flaw I am????I hate being beautiful ..I hate being myself ..My death 's very near ..I know ..just ignore this craps ..I'm just nobody ,easily lost ,easily blown....