Hi ,I can pretend to be happy,yet I can't take it anymore ...I've been raped when I was a "baby" ,as I could recall ,I have a very bright mind as I'm good with details ..How I wish I could just detach all of those ..When I was a very small child,I couldn't even know how to talk at that time ,i was placed under my cousins's ..They're my "babysitters"..Each day ,every of them would rape me..This things I guess started when I was 3 and went on untill I was 8 years old..I was so dumb at that time ..They called that playing time..They would bring me to a waterfall and raped me numerous times ..Then I knew about this "play-time" stuff when my school organised sex education..starting from that time ,i feel very disgusted upon myself ,guilty ,ashamed ,petrified ..Even until now,I'm 18 now ..My friends always ask me ...I mean the way I talk with people ,I never look into their eyes..I'm so damn ashamed..When I felt like everything is over ,another nightmares happened .My teacher would call me to his office ,giving me normal student's duties then started off grabbing my ass ,he would push me into his locker ,kissing me and threatened me..Of course ,Im a wimp..I'm too afraid..I got this reputation..Being named as an intelligent student ,I'm quite famous in every place I went to..cos I appear very normal and happy and active ..Bullshit!!!I'm hurt.......Furthermore in my community ,face-saving is very important ...feeling so lost and confused ,I started to commit suicide ..numerous times ..I stood still in the middle of a road ,i jumped off from a fourth-floor building and now I'm a frequent amphetamines's addict..I feel so dirty!!!!...All of my suicide attempts seem very accidental so they wouldn't know bout this..i'm an anti-social ..And now I'm starting hating guys..2 years ago I went to my relative's house but then I met them again..One of my cousins came to me and started talking like nothing happens till he started touching my bosoms..i slapped him real hard,he's married..He got more pissed off and he raped me in a barn..Starting from that day ,I never see them anymore ..I hate my families ..I just couldn't live anymore ..Even now ,in a university ,I received lots of "calls" and "messages" from boys which contain foul languages..You know what,i blame god for this..I'm a very decent human beings ,I'm very faithful ,why god gives me all of this ?I swear to myself that I'm gonna live alone ,away from those perverts and die alone ...I'm all alone here ..Today ,I deliberately fail my exam ..I hate being a clever person ..I hate having posts in the societies ..Why can't they see how flaw I am????I hate being beautiful ..I hate being myself ..My death 's very near ..I know ..just ignore this craps ..I'm just nobody ,easily lost ,easily blown....
deep breaths Zura. you just made the first step to getting help. I too was abused as a child. I know only too well the sense of shame and self hate this engenders. Right. Abused kids give off a 'VICTIM' persona that pervs can hone in on. That's why it feels like everyone you come into contact with is out to use or abuse you. It's not your fault it's theirs they can sense the fear and damage. You have to be tremendously brave here and find a counsellor/therapist who you can tell all this to. I spent 4 years in psychotherapy and I thank God everyday for that man, he helped me move on from victim to a person with self worth. Somewhere deep inside you is a sense of guilt, dirt, worthlessness and RAGE, man I had no idea just how angry I was inside until my therapist got it out of me. The anger is what causes the suicidal and self harming feelings. Get some help hun, there is life after abuse and I am no longer a victim of anyone elses sexual hangups or perverseness. Woe betide the man who puts his hands on me when I don't want him to. ps: I also took up martial arts so I could always defend myself should the need arise. It helped tremndously with the anger as it teaches you focus and I don't have to walk in fear.
I was never abused as a child, but I know that feeling of being labeled as the "perfect" person but feeling far from it. I just graduated college and was working FT and take 18 credit hours of classes, then it all just fell apart. I'm not sure what happened emotionally, I guess I just felt like what the hell is there left to do? Plus my ex of two years brokeup with me and I stopped taking my meds for OCD to be more "emotional" in our relationship....ahhh!!! It all fell apart at once. Are you considered the perfect person? Do you go to university now? Keep yourself busy doing something you enjoy to do. And fuck it, if you feel super super bad go to the woods and live.... I promise your existential musings will disappear or appear more clearly away from everything. What university are you at?
I know all too well that feeling. I was sexually abused for 8 years as a child. I felt like I walked around with it written on my forehead for all to see. I was so ashamed. It took me 6 long years of work to get to the point where it didn't consume my every waking breath. It still pops up in times of stress, as now, but for the most part... it's just a part of who I am now. It's not the only thing that defines me. I guess what I'm saying is that it can get better. It won't ever go away, but it'll get easier to deal with. The work is hard, but it's worth it. Hang in there. If you ever need to talk, I'm here.
