My first cut

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by SkyHigh, Jan 13, 2008.

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  1. SkyHigh

    SkyHigh Guest

    On the 9th january 2008 after school I went to this isolated park. It was cold and gloomy. There was a river right in front of me, but I didn't give it much thought because I would never drown myself (seems slow and painful). I had a knife in my bag from the 8th. When I got to the park I made a phone call to a boy who had attempted to hang before. He told me to call before I go, so I did. He only asked whether it's really what I wanted, I paused for 2 minutes and said 'I don't know, but I don't want to live with life I can't relate'. My mind was blank. I felt like an empty shell. Everything around me had no meaning at all. I felt as if I was the only one on the planet. I hang up the phone. I put my phone on loudspeaker and listened to Funeral March. I had never felt so relaxed. I took the knife out of my red school bag and watched the images reflecting on the blade. I lifted my left hand and rolled my sleeves. Put the blade on my wrist and run it diagonally. There was now a red line with no blood. I run the blade once more with twice as much force. Blood started flowing out. I watched it and smiled (probably looking like a maniac). The blood wasn't flowing out a lot. It didn't hurt at all. A gust of cold wind blew and I started shaking. I was freezing. I took my white scarf which was also in my bag and wiped the blood off my wrist. Took a massive plaster that I had taken from my moms room and placed it along the red line, then took a wristband with a smiley face on it that my friend bought me and wore it to cover the plaster. Put my sleeves down, stood up, walked forward, turned around and watched the little patch of blood on the grass with the knife next to it, also covered in blood. It was 6pm and dark because it's winter. I started my walk back home. Listening to the river.

    I got home and went straight to my room. I just sat on my bed staring at the ceiling. I sent the boy a text message that said 'I guess I'll die another day'. he replied with ':)'

    The next day my mom asked where one of the knives had gone. I said I wouldn't know because I hadn't been in the kitchen for three days. She left it at that. Probably because most of the things in the kitchen always go missing. She thought that maybe someone accidentaly chucked it in the bin like most other cutleries.

    I haven't done any P:E lessons at school ever since because I've been trying to hide the scar. They call my mom and I just say that I don't like the lesson and it's not going to get me any GCSE's.
     
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2008
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Please don't hurt yourself again skyhigh. You're so young and have your whole life ahead of you. I'm glad that you didn't go through with ending it. Thanks for sticking around.
     
  3. Melancholy

    Melancholy Well-Known Member

    Please, please don't do it again. Well done for talking to someone about it, maybe you could tell him about what you did? It's not worth it - don't get addicted as you'll find it almost impossible to stop when you do. Try to stop now, how about PMing someone here, or telling someone when you feel like you have to do it.

    It's not worth the scars and pain (both emotional and physical) when you get deeper and deeper. You don't want to get yourself into that position.

    Stay safe, thinking of you,
    Lauren
     
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Skyhigh, I'm so glad that you were able to move past the suicidal feelings but cutting will not be the answer you think it is. I'm 43 and cut excessively. It is like any other addiction. Eventually you lose the control and the cutting has it. It is horrible. So please, before you feel the urge again, get some professional help. Therapists or docs can help you to find alternative methods to cutting. They can also help you understand and overcome your suicidal thoughts and feelings of hopelessness. But I stress, DO IT NOW!! Be strong and good luck.
     
  5. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    When I cut I dont feel the pain, I just feel a wash of relief sweep over me. it is weird, people dont seem to understand that. When the nurse injectedme I almost screamed in pain, she didnt understand how I could cut and it not hurt buut then have an injection and it kill me about!
     
  6. SkyHigh

    SkyHigh Guest

    My 16 new cuts

    My wrist looks like a ice that's been skated on. I truanted 3rd and 4th lesson thinking that I was going to end it for sure. I had a rope with me and all. I went to these woods near our school at 11.15am and looked for a tree that's low enough to reach the branches. I found one. I tied a hangmans noose (learned from the internet) put my white scarf on the muddy wet floor and put the rope around my neck. I called the boy again just as promised (he said he took 20 pills today, I'm talking to him and he say's he feels sick, he won't call the ambulance). I leane foward, almost lost conscienceness, got scared and stood up again. I tried this several times. I called the boy and told him that it didn't work. So I sat down on a tree bark and got a compass out of my school bag. I started scratching until I saw a bit of blood. It kept hurting so I kept starting new lines. I have about 17 lines on my wrist now. The one in the middle is pretty deep but there wasn't much blood coming out. I plan to take pills next time. I was about to tell my sister but then I thought, why cause a scene when I'm going to continue trying to do it?

    Maybe this saturday I will go for sure. My mum is hating me more and more, day by day because I'm failing at school and I keep getting angry at people for some reason. If she finds out that I truanted it would be the last straw for me.
     
  7. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Re: My 16 new cuts

    Please sky high, you need to seek help for your suicidal behavour. You should talk to a counselor before it is too late.
     
  8. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    Hey SkyHigh,

    I have to agree entirely with Dave, you need to seek professional help for these thoughts and not just come to a website like this. This is a good place to talk but it should definately not be the only place where you get help and support!! I don't have 100% faith in drs either but i am intelligent enough to know that they at least have the resources that can help me/you get better. Having read through most of your posts i think there are a great deal of things you would like to talk about. Even from posts on here you have seen new ways of interpreting things, i don't think you should take that lightly. Imagine if you had help from a professional how much difference it could make! You say you think about suicide 24/7, imagine if you had the support and opportunity to put that much thought into actually getting help to stop these thoughts - how far you would go!! The future is scary...but it is exciting too! You do not have to let you past or any illness dictate to you your future. You decide!!
    I know that going to the dr is scary, and i know that they are sometimes useless but you have to keep trying to get help! I first went at 18 and got told i was just being a teenager - at 18!! But i kept trying. You deserve that much!
    I never felt like i was right for my generation - my sisters used to say to me that i was born in the wrong century and boy did that hurt like hell, i never felt i fitted in but do you know what...i got outta school, i went to university and i was amazed at the variety of people there. Coming from a small city like Reading you can forget that - i know i did! Actually i didn't even realise that there was such variety out there as i was so used to everyone having the same life story as me practically. And you know what? From this i have actually learnt to be proud of my way of thinking! But yes, i won't deny, it does take a battle, it will be hard but you can do this especially with help.

    I won't deny anyone the right to take their own life, there are times when people are so frightened, so lost, so alone that they literally see no other option. Even the people on here (and me) who have thought seriously about taking their lives and have even tried to do so, do not understand those people that manage to take their own lives because well, they haven't! I think you need to keep that in mind when you are reading the posts on this forum.
    I think there is one thing everyone on here will agree with, if there was another option they would grab it with both hands. But sometimes you have to find that option - which can be hard when you are tired and depressed. But you do have other options, you have the time to explore these. Do not deny yourself that help because you are scared of what your mum or sister may think or because you 'think' you know it will be useless.
    Harming yourself is a maladaptive coping method and i say that even though i self harm myself. It is not something i want to do, it is not something i am proud of. Suicide is so often portrayed (even on here i have found) as a mysterious, dramatically tragic end but all it really is, is an end. It is not in anyway beautifully tragic - if you hang yourself you will most likely lose all control of your bowels and end up soiling yourself. If in the woods this will attract flies and bugs. If you take pills you can end up vomiting and choking on your own mucus. I could go on but i won't.
    This post is entitled 'my first cut'. You are at the cross-roads right now. I can only imagine how difficult life can be for you but you do have a choice - and i would like to see you moving forward. Do you?
     
  9. SkyHigh

    SkyHigh Guest

    I don't know if I would like to change. I don't know what I want. I don't feel anymore. I've been blank minded for weeks now. I just don't feel like I can. My sister keeps telling me I'm a quitter when I say no to something. I guess she's right.

    I get times when I'll think 'maybe, just maybe' but then something else that's bad happens and I get back down to zero.

    I was intending on telling my mum but she's dealing with a lot of things herself. I don't want to cause her or anyone else more worry.....because I keep thinking that whatever is done I'll probably still try to take my life.
     
  10. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Please stop trying to take your life Sky High. Life is a precious gift and we should cheirsh this gift. Think about this next time you get the urge to end it.
     
  11. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    Hey,
    If you're sister is saying you are a quitter you know what, you can prove her majorly wrong!! Show her in the biggest way possible - by fighting for yourself!

    I understand this whole 'i don't care attitude', i have just had a meltdown this evening myself and poured it all out to the parentals, - that i can't fight anymore etc etc. The blankness - yes i'm there, the apathy - yes read my other posts, i have said that is the worst thing, worse than sucidal thoughts.

    But you know what - if you are having any 'maybe just maybe' times then you need to fight to hold onto them!! Yes it will flip back and forth, yes sometimes you will feel like you just don't care - but those days will pass back onto those 'maybe, just maybe' days. And then...they will lessen and the 'maybe just maybe' days will increase...then gradually you'll have one 'good' day, then another then another....

    Ok i know i'm not going to shift your mind despite all the above, although i would do anything to, but you have been in this thought pattern for a long time and have surrounded yourself with this site and your friend who actually sounds in danger himself (and i hope is getting help!). But just for one second think about what i am trying to say to you. I have severe despression, i have had psychotic depression, i now have agitated depression which is like the mixed states in bipolar disorder. It has hurt me so much (there are no words to describe it), i have said 'i give up', i have gone to the emergency room because i was scared of myself but i still know that in time with the right medication, the right support, i will feel better. The 'i give up' phase will be just that...a phase.

    Your mother loves you. She may have a lot on her plate, sure she maybe stressed out by you telling her but my God that is better than having to mourn her daughter and wonder why she didn't spot anything. Sorry i don't mean to sound like i am lecturing you :unsure: i know i can't make you do anything, but i have been there. I felt the same, i never wanted to bother anyone, but i actually gave my mother a nervous breakdown a few years ago because i wasn't talking. So believe me, it was hard, it took a long time for me to build up the courage but the relief of being able to confide in my parents makes everything lighter.

    SkyHigh - you have depression. This is an illness. This illness can be treated by medication and therapy. This treatment is a phone call away. Look around on the internet. Look up depression recovery sites. Read personal stories. The statistics for recovery of depression is incrediably high. Millions of people have this illness and beat it. I, for one, totally intend to. :smile:


    ''because I keep thinking that whatever is done I'll probably still try to take my life''

    This is the depression talking to you. Yep it lies. It wants control. Take the risk, talk to you mum or your GP. I wouldn't be saying all these things if i didn't think there is treatment for you :dry: i'd probably be agreeing with you.
     
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