My first day of senior year.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by lotte, Aug 29, 2012.

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  1. lotte

    lotte Well-Known Member

    i almost killed myself, my mom is so pissed that i got out of school because she doesn't want me to be a drop out, but she doesn't care I almost died. A man stopped to talk to me. I was standing at the bridge about an hour and a half.... just trying to get my heart to calm down. They are supposed to have me under close watch at school, but noone noticed I was gone.Thousands of cars driving past, only one person gave a damn. Tried to find shelter in the houses around there, accidently stepped on a dead, decaying, green, slimy bird. More dead squirells. All the houses were abandoned and the one person who answered wouldn't let me in. I just asked to use the restroom, all I wanted was some human companionship. Just to be in another humans presences. I couldn't get over the fear, i couldn't kill myself. I cried after i walked away, i was muttering and screaming to myself but the construction workers didn't care.... they thought it was funny. I didn't go to any of my classes. took my emergency meds and that didn't work. Noone gives a damn about me. Try calm down... the song.... the montra.....death......but i just froze. the dead came and i saw it. I tried to feel and smell and breath the air, and i felt it like magic.....but that didn't even help!!!!! Every single thought just rushing through so fast, and time is so slow and orderly. Fate had no bearing on this, on my situation, on me. I was without it and disillusioned, without a kind word, though scared and anxious as fuck. I felt alive for one hurried second, now gone. And I'm left with all these words and pains that will never be expressed. My mind has been given no time to process, how to ever feel the feelings unfelt in the hurried moment? My mind wants to sort it out, my brain is smarter and needs to rest. I have filthy muck all in between my toes from running through the forest in sandals, i need to go wash off and relax and eat and please please please mom don't yell at me, let me recover. I had to try to express myself, because it was a heavy day.
     
  2. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    That all sounds horrible. :(

    If you had stayed in school, though, none of that would have happened..?

    Have you had, or are you scheduled for an IEP and ARD with the school? Perhaps you can get some assistance through that for putting measures in place to assist you when you feel like you need some help.
     
  3. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    Gosh lotte this is very intense! Is there a hospital that you can go to? It sounds like you really need a place to go right now that you are welcome; and everywhere is turning you down!

    Gosh lotte do you have any professional help or anything, because everything you said is just so intense, and your family is holding it all against you, and the public is either mocking you or too afraid etc...

    :hug:
     
  4. lotte

    lotte Well-Known Member

    Wanted mom to stay home to protect me from brother, said she couldn't and she had to work. I might kill myself tonight. Or maybe just mutilate myself from a lower bridge. i don't know. I'm tired and noone understands me.
     
  5. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    More than likely, your mother needs to work to provide food and a roof over your head. Nobody "wants" to go to work... but it is necessary. You say that nobody understands you, but it does not sound like you are going to the right places for that understanding and help. Quite honestly, I would not allow a stranger to enter my home to use the restroom either. Why did you not stay at school and ask for assistance from a teacher, the nurse, or from a counselor? What professional assistance and support do you have? Because you are not indicating your location (country?), it's hard to suggest alternative avenues - in the U.S. you would have an IEP at the school tailored to your needs, and you'd probably have a case manager and some sort of a family advocate assisting you through your situations and helping to develop a wellness plan for you. What steps have you taken to positively find solutions through proper channels vs. plans to visit bridges and cause self harm?
     
  6. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    Does she know that you wanted this?

    I don't know the entire story of your brother, but how old is the brother, and is there somewhere else for the brother to go, if he really is this dangerous?
     
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