My first forum thread

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by James12, Sep 3, 2014.

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  1. James12

    James12 Member

    Hello forum, I recently made an account on here to distract myself from my suicidal plan. My logic was that if I did something meaningful, like trying to help others in a similar situation to myself.. That perhaps I could alleviate my anxiety by taking my mind off of my plan until I was ready to kill myself. It did work to an extent, although I frequently felt inadequate in my attempts to help. This will only be my second post because of that; although I read several forum threads and wanted to say something encouraging.. I just couldn't feel good about anything I came up with to say, it's hard to convey compassion without someone able to hear my tone of voice.

    I'd like to talk about the specifics of my plan, but for good reason that is frowned upon here so I wont..

    I suppose I'm really writing this because I want to talk about my own experience with depression and my view on suicide for myself. I was diagnosed with depression when a teen, more than a decade later it became much worse. The last few years have been very unpleasant mentally and emotionally. I've come to have a view on life, and my life especially as being a state where the sum of the pain far outweighs the sum of the pleasure and suicide is the logical conclusion in that viewpoint for me. Of course there are other components to my 'decision' on killing myself, such as my worthlessness as a person, my view of myself as a drain on society and especially as an emotional drain on anyone who needs to deal with me on a regular basis. But ultimately it always comes back to pain>pleasure=suicide in my mind. So I researched the best way to kill myself from home, with the least pain, the highest chance of death with the lowest possibility of permanent damage in the event of a failure. I found that way, and very recently I bought everything I need online.. Now I just need to wait for them to arrive and for the right emotional frame of mind to overcome my instinct to survive.

    Now, you might be tempted to give me the usual arguments against suicide.. I'll just go through a couple of the big ones that come to mind now, so that you know they have already occurred to me and how I think about them.
    1. Suicidal thoughts are usually just temporary, if you just hold on they will pass.
    The problem is that I don't want them to pass, I want it to be over. I've thought about killing myself everyday for years. Even in the unlikely event that my form of depression which statistically will keep reoccuring the rest of my life.. were to suddenly disappear and I was left with a normal persons level of happiness, and I knew for a fact that it would never reoccur.. that does not make up for the inevitable pain that almost everyone will suffer in their lives, death would be the example of that pain that comes to my mind most often because it happens to everyone. Most of us will die a horrible death that could last hours, days, weeks, months or years.. Why would I want to do that when I could end it painlessly now? If I wait, I may not have the will to do it later.. Or I might have an unexpected agonizing death.
    2. What about the effect it will have on your loved ones?
    This is an assumption that there are people that would care a lot if I died, which isn't really the case for me. Some people would care, but they would get over it much more quickly than I will get over this depression. That statement might come off as callous, but you don't know my family.. What they are like or what our relationship is like, so try to keep that in mind. Also, just like other aspects of life.. I can't be held responsible for other peoples pain, if I were gay for instance.. you can't expect me to live my life straight for the happiness of others. My last point on this, would be that in my eyes(perhaps deluded by depression), they would be better off without me weighing them down emotionally.

    That being said, I absolutely agree that most people should just hold on and wait for the suicidal thoughts to pass if you can. Depression deludes you into thinking that life is much worse and will always be much worse than it actually is. But in my particular case, in my opinion. It's what I feel is best for me in the long run.

    I've seen a lot of compassion from a lot of people on this website, and I'm glad your here to help eachother through the rough patches. I hope that perhaps I can help too.
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry to say I disagree with your conclusion of what either you - or most people - should do. The idea of "should just hold on and wait for the suicidal thoughts to pass if you can" is why most people - and perhaps yourself as well - suffer from depression for months and years and it reoccurs with some frequency. Just waiting until it passes does not change nor address any of the issues that caused it to come about in the first place and it does not offer any chance of healing except pure luck or intervention on the part of somebody else. To get through depression and find happiness or contentment on any type of sustainable level it takes effort. You have ot actively make change sin your life or your manner of dealing with things that occur. It is not really different than your solution that you deem to be "logical". You can just wait and ypou will eventually die even if you do nothing - it will happen eventually- or you can do lots of research , planning , aquisition of th eitems and make a plan to cause it to come about much quicker. Had th esame effort gone into getting you started on something to solve th eproblem rtather than end th eproblem there is a good possibility you would not be have written this post.

    You fully acknowledge the effect depression has to delude ones self into thinking things are worse than they are - perhaps consider after your admitted years of depression your "logic" is equally deluded". Since one reason is just wrong in your presumption of how easily somebody will or will not get over it - at the very least clouded substantially buy your own part in it- and the other makes no sense as you are attempting to avoid the inevitable by making it occur sooner and have already experienced long term pain and suffering leading up to it so hav eavoiuded nothing with the exception of the possibility and even likelihood of improvement with same amount of planning and effort given to getting better as to suicide - I think you should look at your logic a little more carefully.

    Stick around for a while , answer some threads even if it is with nothing more than an acknowledgement that you read it and understand their pain or sympathize, and consider what things are causing the pain your life and lets talk about those things rather than your foolproof plan (none are) and sound logic (that isn't) on how to end your life.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    Ben
     
  3. James12

    James12 Member

    Huh, you really surprised me with your response Ben. It comes off as forceful and demanding, I wonder if your arguing more with yourself than with me. I figured people would come, read my comment and commiserate, but my thinking seems to have a fundamental negative effect on you when balanced up against your own beliefs.. Or everything I just said is wrong, I don't really know you. I'm just 'talking out loud' as I process your comment. You assume a lot.. like that I'm not doing anything to fix my depression, you also assume that everyone with depression has the ability and the will to put a lot of effort into their recovery.. you say "Had th esame effort gone into getting you started on something to solve th eproblem rtather than end th eproblem there is a good possibility you would not be have written this post. " But my plan took about 6hours.. and 6 hours of effort would not have made the difference in a lifelong struggle with depression. If it makes you feel any better, I've tried most anti-depressants, therapy, ECT, folk remedies and religion in an attempt to treat my depression and anxiety. I did all of those things other than the last two, as prescribed by health professionals. I'm sure you mean well Ben, but you seem to be assuming a lot.

    I hope things are well for you
     
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