Hello forum, I recently made an account on here to distract myself from my suicidal plan. My logic was that if I did something meaningful, like trying to help others in a similar situation to myself.. That perhaps I could alleviate my anxiety by taking my mind off of my plan until I was ready to kill myself. It did work to an extent, although I frequently felt inadequate in my attempts to help. This will only be my second post because of that; although I read several forum threads and wanted to say something encouraging.. I just couldn't feel good about anything I came up with to say, it's hard to convey compassion without someone able to hear my tone of voice. I'd like to talk about the specifics of my plan, but for good reason that is frowned upon here so I wont.. I suppose I'm really writing this because I want to talk about my own experience with depression and my view on suicide for myself. I was diagnosed with depression when a teen, more than a decade later it became much worse. The last few years have been very unpleasant mentally and emotionally. I've come to have a view on life, and my life especially as being a state where the sum of the pain far outweighs the sum of the pleasure and suicide is the logical conclusion in that viewpoint for me. Of course there are other components to my 'decision' on killing myself, such as my worthlessness as a person, my view of myself as a drain on society and especially as an emotional drain on anyone who needs to deal with me on a regular basis. But ultimately it always comes back to pain>pleasure=suicide in my mind. So I researched the best way to kill myself from home, with the least pain, the highest chance of death with the lowest possibility of permanent damage in the event of a failure. I found that way, and very recently I bought everything I need online.. Now I just need to wait for them to arrive and for the right emotional frame of mind to overcome my instinct to survive. Now, you might be tempted to give me the usual arguments against suicide.. I'll just go through a couple of the big ones that come to mind now, so that you know they have already occurred to me and how I think about them. 1. Suicidal thoughts are usually just temporary, if you just hold on they will pass. The problem is that I don't want them to pass, I want it to be over. I've thought about killing myself everyday for years. Even in the unlikely event that my form of depression which statistically will keep reoccuring the rest of my life.. were to suddenly disappear and I was left with a normal persons level of happiness, and I knew for a fact that it would never reoccur.. that does not make up for the inevitable pain that almost everyone will suffer in their lives, death would be the example of that pain that comes to my mind most often because it happens to everyone. Most of us will die a horrible death that could last hours, days, weeks, months or years.. Why would I want to do that when I could end it painlessly now? If I wait, I may not have the will to do it later.. Or I might have an unexpected agonizing death. 2. What about the effect it will have on your loved ones? This is an assumption that there are people that would care a lot if I died, which isn't really the case for me. Some people would care, but they would get over it much more quickly than I will get over this depression. That statement might come off as callous, but you don't know my family.. What they are like or what our relationship is like, so try to keep that in mind. Also, just like other aspects of life.. I can't be held responsible for other peoples pain, if I were gay for instance.. you can't expect me to live my life straight for the happiness of others. My last point on this, would be that in my eyes(perhaps deluded by depression), they would be better off without me weighing them down emotionally. That being said, I absolutely agree that most people should just hold on and wait for the suicidal thoughts to pass if you can. Depression deludes you into thinking that life is much worse and will always be much worse than it actually is. But in my particular case, in my opinion. It's what I feel is best for me in the long run. I've seen a lot of compassion from a lot of people on this website, and I'm glad your here to help eachother through the rough patches. I hope that perhaps I can help too.