My first memory

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by El Mas, Jun 11, 2012.

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  1. El Mas

    El Mas Active Member

    I was standing in the bathroom watching my dad slap the hell out of my mom. He leaves her on the bed crying and I go to her to try an make her feel better. My old man was a mean guy. He didn't even have the decency to be a drunk. At least he could have a bullshit excuse, but no was just cruel.

    I remember when i was nine i finally got the nerve to call the cops. I'm not sure how i felt after they had put him in the back of the car, but when the officer sat down with me and my little brother to give us advice. I remember him saying "when you guys see your dad's drunk just go with your mom and leave the house." I had to let him know my dad didn't drink he's just always angry.

    Oh when i was six i was molested. It was at my cousins house It was their uncle. I was in bed and he got in and he pulled my pants down and stared touching me. I was so scared i shit myself, shit the bed.(good defense mechanism as any i guess)My aunt finds out and they pull me out of bed and throw me in the cold shower and i get yelled at.

    I'm a thirty year old male but I'm not a man. I'll never be a man. A man would have started fighting. stood up for himself, stood up for the people he loved, but i didnt i was scared.

    I guess i just wanted to share some of the many reasons as to why I'm a fucking loser. If my death meant that shit like this doesn't happen to another little kid I'd kill myself off in a heartbeat. But none of this means anything. I'll just carry this pain then die and nobody will give a fuck.
     
  2. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    You aren't a loser...it's not your fault that any of this happened. Your dad and your cousins uncle are the real losers for doing what they did to you. I know how hard it must be to deal with all of this, but please don't give up. Your death won't solve anything, it will just cause heartache for people in your life. I know you can get through this.
     
  3. Louis03

    Louis03 Well-Known Member

    No one can react in the best possible way to every challenge. Often we judge ourselves more harshly than we would anyone else.
    And sometimes we need to learn to forgive ourselves, just a little bit. Whatever you did or didn't do doesn't define who you are, they are
    simply things you did or didn't do in one particular time and place. It's never too late to find something to give meaning to our lives.
     
  4. lelantgirl

    lelantgirl Well-Known Member

    I must be a loser then as I was sexually abused as a child by 3 different men, then abused by my fiance aged 20, sexually, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
    Would you say I was a loser El Mas? If you kill yourself you cant work and help other kids who are being hurt, you'll be gone and then who would they have to look out for them? if you stay alive you could help in some way, however small, and you'd be good at it as like me you have 1st hand experience of how horrible and nasty it is.
    I would give a F..K if you died because of what some bloke did to you as a child. As for your father, you were helpless my friend and some people just like being cruel to people (sometimes they have a reason and like you say if he drank that'd be one hey). As a child I dont think there was much you could've done to stop it, even the Police couldn't by the sound of it.
    Did your father hit you and your brother, or just your mum? Was he angry with others too, outside the family, like in getting into arguements easily and fights?

    Yes you probably feel bad and that its all your fault and thats ok, but try and remember that you did nothing wrong, and if you think you're a loser, then what the hell are these perverts and abusers? If you want to chat or just write down your feelings and vent, then feel free to do so either here or private message me if that makes it more comfortable for you.
    Please hang on in there, its a rough life and I have been to the deepest places of my mind and suicidal myself right now, but taking your life cos of someone less important than you, in my eyes would be such a waste. YOU know how it feels, so YOU can help the childrens charities, YOU can make a difference in so many ways.
     
  5. lelantgirl

    lelantgirl Well-Known Member

    Are you ok? Please let us know.
     
  6. katiedid

    katiedid New Member

    How could you defend yourself at 6????? Even older? I have been in that kind of situation before. You are a man because you survived that and came out alive and ok.
     
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